Words fail me

How is it that I can sit in a place of awe inspiring beauty, with writer's block?  I guess I am still processing and pondering.  Look out world when this block moves...

So much....

I have started 4 different blogs and they are all in some form or another unfinished.  Maybe they will get published, maybe not.  There is so much in me right now that wants to come out, to be shared, but for now I am just keeping it close.  I am not sure why.  Pride, fear, judgement....desire for my words to be articulate or "read worthy".  I don't know...but what is in me will not quite come out.  It just hovers on the tip of my brain.

I heard something good today from a friend of mine.  She got it from Psalm 139.  She said, Don't worry about your future because to God it is history.  This has deeply pierced me as my fear of the unknown is somehow trying to rear its ugly head.

The covenant promises of God are so true, so faithful, who am I to fear?  He holds tomorrow and is already there.  That is a good word.

38 more years

When I first moved to Dallas finding a place of worship was an interesting process. First of all, I live in the Bible belt....throw a rock and hit 3 buildings with the word "church" on the side.

Secondly, I have friends serving in churches all over Dallas, so learning about one, or going someplace with "familiar faces" would not be hard. But I did not really want just another building to walk in on a Sunday morning, I was tired of the same old thing, where you showed up for the same song and dance (well depending on the church), and then left for lunch with a "warm, fuzzy" feeling and a life really not changed at all.  I was tired of this search.  I was tired of the "hobby" of church, the thing I did on the weekends.  Really if that was all it was, why was I even bothering?  I wanted a place where I was surrounded by thinkers...I wanted someone to challenge the very core of me and make me think again...I wanted a place where the church was so much more than the building and where traditional moralism was mocked and non-existent....I wanted a place where when I walked through the door I knew that the Spirit of the Living God dwelt there and was going to show up and get some stuff done.   I wanted a pastor who was not all about himself, who thought outside of the proverbial box and who gave me meat to chew on for weeks at a time. I wanted a place where when I walked in the door my heart took root, there were places of service that I could use my gifts given by God, and though I did not know the term at the time, I wanted a place where I could find community.

For all that I did know, what I did not know was that this place even existed.  I thought perhaps it was some fantasy conjured up in my mind.  Some mythical place where my heart longed to dwell, and I would not see this side of heaven.  To be incredibly honest I did not really trust this God that I claimed to worship and serve to provide such a place to fill my heart.

For the first few months I visited quite a few churches. Again, I live in the Bible belt, so one or two on every corner...not hard to find.  Some were OK, some were fantastic, some I walked in and walk right back out! But everywhere I went just didn't have the right food if you will. I left hungry in most places and starving in others. This was not because the meat was not there but it wasn't meat that was filling my soul.  At one point I really just thought about chucking it all and sleeping in.

I had some friends at this church that was tucked away in the corner of a residential area on the Lewisville/Flower mound border. By "some friends", I mean that if I went to the right service I could skip going to homecoming at Hardin-Simmons! I went to school with the pastor, and a couple of staff members, some of the lay leaders and, at the service I attended one week, a large part of the congregation. I fought going there for the longest time because of pride. I didn't want everyone to think I was just going there because I was following the pastor, or because everyone else went to this popular place. I kept telling God over and over that I just didn't want to go there.

One night I'd just had enough. I was so hungry for Truth, for pure worship, for challenging thinking and I knew if I went there I would get fed, I was so tired of searching for a place to call home, and even though I "knew" this wasn't it I said "I'm just going to go get fed tonight then I'll find where God wants me to be next week." Does anyone else see the skewed logic of that statement? I mean really??????   It was like I was going to go get some steak where steak would always be available, but tomorrow I'd go find the place where I could always get bread and water....

I drove in late (because I didn't want to see anyone I knew) and snuck in the back while the lights were down for the musical worship part of the service.  I thought I was going to get away with sneaking in....but of course, by Divine Providence, there, leaning against the back wall was the pastor.  He looked over at me with no hint of surprise that I had just come walking through the doors.... I hadn't seen him in about 3 1/2 years..... and he opened his arms to give me a hug said "Welcome home, Amanda".  I am pretty sure he doesn't remember saying that, or have any idea the impact those three words would have on my life. It was like God slammed into my heart what I had for some reason been trying to keep out for 4 months....this was where He wanted me to be, to call "home", to serve, to be challenged, to feast, to have community, and to live life.

I sat on the back row and wept the entire service. I was "home".

That was two years ago.   I am more in love than ever with my church home. I have the amazing opportunity to serve in several different capacities, I have the honor of leading the most amazing girls on the planet who teach me far more than I could teach them, I have the joy of being part of a powerful intercessory ministry, and I have more community than I could ever hope to repay! 

My life has been changed and is continuing to change as I begin to understand sanctification for the first time,  as I learn how to think for myself and ask the challenging questions of my soul, as I have freedom to wrestle with God and the areas of life that have never quite fit in the traditional mold that I was brought up in.  

My spirit rejoices as I am surrounded by people who love me, and who continually pour into me the truth that is ok to not be ok, it is just not ok to stay there. I have the unbelievable blessing of being led by a staff and elders that are real and humble and honest when they fail, that explain their struggles.  Pastors that at one time walked in darkness as agnostics and continue to question all that God is and does, yet their faith pervades through those questionings and leads back to the throne of Grace.

My pastor always says that we are going to do the next 40 years together....well I have 2 down...38 more to go. 

Random thots

#1. I looked at my beside table in my clean room last night and saw 4 water bottles in some stage of fullness or lack thereof. I will finish all of these, but seem to have the need to keep several open at the same time...why is this?

#2. I was working the product table at the Michael W. Smith concert last night and this guy walks up and we make eye contact that says "we know each other". So I walk over, and I say, "I HAVE to know who you are" to which he replies "you do, huh? why?" I said, "well for one thing I have seen you at ever concert I have been at this year and you look so familiar". THEN something else clicked into my brain..."OH, AND you are friends with Stan Whitmire!" To which his look of skeptical questioning turned to a wondering demeanor...and he says "yes I am". So he offers a hand for shaking and says "I am Craig O'dell". FLASH! I say "WAIT! Are you related to Julie O'Dell?" "yes" "Did you go to BBC?" (insert look of incredulity here) "YES!" "Craig we were in school together, I am Amanda Workman!" "WHAT! Yes I recognize you now! That is so hilarious...." follow up conversation where are you, what are you doing, exchange of phone numbers, blah blah....
Once again my world, tiny.

#3. I saw an opossum walking across the parking lot when I pulled into work today. This of course made me think of my brother Derek.

#4. an addition to this blog ....Melinda Doolittle's voice.

#5. an addition to this blog ....point to ponder "Do my relationships bring me more of Him? If not, does that person belong in my life? If so, how do I get more of that person in my life?"

#6. I hate the song "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and would like to NOT thank my mother for putting it in my head.

#7. I leave you with a photo of my girl, Melinda, and I being silly last night!

24 days and counting....

Tonight was the season premier of 24...as I have never seen an episode...I sadly did not care as much as the rest of my friends.

But today 24 is a huge number.  It is the number of days till I feel the gravitational pull from the tarmac of Dallas, TX, and begin the journey to the place that my heart equates with "home".  

The dark continent.  Deepest darkest Africa.

Just the thought of being there makes my soul yearn....yet there is also a pulling back from that yearning. 

As the plane hits the tarmac in Africa, and the pilot slams on the brakes....the piece of my heart that dwells there slams back into my chest.  I feel a wholeness I never quite feel anywhere else on the planet.  I step off the plane and breath deeply the rugged, dirty, and pungent smells of a continent that is still yet untamed.  I close my eyes and memories of the happiest days of my life come flooding back and the desire to make a thousand more surges through me.  

These feelings will last as I spend time with my family and meet the people that they hold dear.  They will pierce my soul as I worship among African believers and make new friends that I may only see on the other side of heaven.  And they will make me tear up in awe as I try to capture a glimpse of his majestic creatures through the viewfinder.  But I am whole for a short time...till once again I take my last breath of African night air, till the wheels once again come off the ground, the earth fades beneath and Africa once again claims from within me what is rightfully hers.  My tears will flow as they are now, and my soul will long for the day when upon His return I can be with all I love, in one place at one time.

24 days and counting........

Most hilarious things I heard this week...

"Excuse me Jr. High called and wants its drama back" - JMF

"Amanda, I've thought about it and I am physically incapable of getting up and letting you take my photo"  - my boss  this was followed by "You are a mean assistant" When I made her get up and let me take her headshot anyway!

"You looked like a cross between a fish and a seal" - said by my friend Penny after a demonstration of how my mom sucks in all the air in the car when she thinks we are going to crash with the car that is 100 miles in front of us!  At this point, mom's vicious inhale would have been relevant though, because we were laughing so hard I could just barely see the road.

"Are you thinking what I am thinking?...."I don't know are you thinking 'holy crap holy crap a swordfish almost impaled my head?' if so then yes"   - Get Smart

Laughter...so the best medicine in life!

Things on my desk

So my blogs have had a bit of depth to them lately, and this will not be one of those I assure you.....

I was looking around my desk while sitting here at work and realized the odd assortment of things that are on it. How exactly does one collect this stuff and why is it so difficult to get rid of it to just have a clean desk.

Things on my desk:

• Two empty water bottles (ok I just recycled those I feel better now)


• Two stress balls, that I never use (perhaps the reason for my hypertension)


• A wooden box with nothing in it


• A fake lemon that sits on a marble block that says "when life gives you lemons...." (can someone finish this thought please?????)


• next to the lemon...a freakish highlighter man with green shoes and orange and white feather hair sticking out of a plastic ball with a face. (he doesn't even have a name, maybe it would be better if he had a name...nameless highlighter guy...yeah, no)
  
• A boyds bear dressed as a bumble bee sitting in a basket that says "bee happy!" (I think he actually belongs to my mom and have no idea how he got to work with me....)


• A Sponge-Bob Square Pants etch-a-sketch (again where did this come from and how did it get to work with me...)


• Dark chocolate from Paris (the city in France, not Hilton)


• Dice (two sets - one normal every day, and one in fancy leather)


• My name written in chinese (incorrectly I might add...since it looks nothing like my name looks in all the other versions of chinese that I have it in)


• There is a fan under my desk, and a pair of shoes from this summer (why?)


• I have a pink radio clock that does not have the correct time on it at all....not because it doesn't keep time, but because I have never set it correctly....(I will do this now)


• A huge vase with two leaves in it, trying desperately to take root.


• Photos in frames - me with brothers, my family, a waterfall, railroad tracks


• Photos not in frames - Alex Modesitt (friend's son with cancer), Cousin Zach's football pic, pic of me and Brittany (MK director), Paddington in Glenrose


• Random things on wall: buttons with photos of me and Jeff, Shana, Vera and Darlene from work parties....and one letting the world know "I survived sinister sessions 2008 - Transfatsylvania"


• a wire girraffe


• a lamp - with a beaded necklace


• a paper bracelet made by my boss's daughter


• business card sized "words of inspiration"

This is just the random stuff and does not include the things that help me work and get my job done, ie. phone, cup full of pens, computer, file folders, etc.

I think it is time to declutter....

Rescuers vs Mentors

Last night I was sitting with a group of friends that over this past year and half I have grown to know and love and have the honor of calling "friends."  As we laughed and talked and shared life together...I realized that for the first time in a very long time I have healthy friendships!

I have friendships where I am safe to laugh and cry and share my heart and my fears and joys and dreams and every single one of those things are either shared, calmed or supported!  How incredibly blessed am I?  THIS is what it means to "do life together."

You see for years I was in the "fixing" game.  Not really by conscious choice, but it just seemed that I got sucked in to helping everyone else and not ever having the opportunity to have time for me.   Then about a year and half ago I heard a very wise man say "Rescuers attract victims, and Mentors attract survivors" who do you want to be?  Wow, wow, WOW!!!  This statement while seemingly so simple took me a while to process, to understand exactly what it mean and what it looked like. 

I began to take stock of all of my friendships and realized that the people that completely sucked the life out of me without ever giving back and when I was emotionally finished moved on to others they could latch onto for similar purposes....far outweighed the friendships that I truly enjoyed.  The ones I truly enjoyed were full of laughter and some tears, there were times of struggle, but struggles were shared and when I was there for them, they turned around and were there for me right back.  These same people enrich my life and make me want to pursue my hopes and dreams knowing that we are going to realize our dreams together.  They pursue my heart, and I get to pursue theirs right back.  They are not in the friendship to see what emotional baggage they can unload on me before moving on, rather we bear each others burdens.

So after taking stock of this...I made a silent decision and began to edge out those who were simply victims of life.  Those who chose to wallow in their self pity and did not do anything recommended to them to get out of their present circumstance no longer were going to get a place in my life.  No more late night phone calls to cry to me about all the things they were "struggling" with only to in the same breath explain why it was they were not going to do anything to change their current situation.  No more dragging their dead weight along; trying my best to believe in them when they were choosing not believe in themselves.

This decision was not easy and meant having to say 'we can't be friends anymore' to several people in my life. 

I, of course, was called all sorts of things for this, selfish, self righteous, judgmental and legalistic...all of the words that they knew would wound were the ones they chose to use.  I was blamed for our friendship being the way it was and in one case even told that we weren't as close as I thought we were.  (Funny how close we were every time this person needed me in the middle of a crisis.)  I only wish they understood the pain it took to purge them from my life.    Recently a couple have tried to come back, and within the first phone call were already right back to being victims.  To you I say...um, No thank you!

Unfortunately for me, this process is not over  yet.   I have a couple of others that are proving to walk the victim road.  They call only when they need something, and are not there when I in turn might need them.  There is never a time where in we can celebrate life together because they are too busy wallowing in why they are victims of circumstances that they can control.  Choosing to not be there for them is hard for me. Instinct wants too, but wisdom finally outweighs that, knowing that neither they nor I will be better for my intervening once again.  When they choose to change their life circumstance by making the decisions they know to be right and begin to walk as survivors rather than victims....I will happily call them friend again.  However, I am not sure that time will ever come, and when it does I will no longer be needed. 

This past year, on more than one occasion I also heard something that I have found too be true...you are most like the 5 people with whom you choose to surround yourself.  These words are so so so true.  I once walked as a victim of circumstances I could control.  I chose to stare in the face of wisdom and make the choices I knew in my heart to be wrong.  

However, I decided with God's help to change that status quo...I AM a survivor.  I, like everyone else I know, have suffered hurtful words, cruelty at the hands of those who should love me most, I've had disagreements with family, and have had broken relationships, I have made choices that were wrong and have suffered the consequences for them even when I did not feel it was "fair".  In the midst of that, I choose to hold my head up with pride, put on a smile, ask for help when I struggle with sadness and feelings that overwhelm... and then take that help and follow the recommendations made for healing.  I choose to forgive those that have hurt me most, including myself, rather than fall victim to bitterness that only consumes and harms the one harboring it.

I want to surround myself with these same people.  I want to be surrounded by mentally stable, loving, God fearing people who have dreams, who pursue those dreams passionately, who know that is perfectly ok to not be ok, but it is not ok to stay there.  As I looked around the table last night, I saw those people.  I saw people who loved themselves, not in a prideful way, but in a healthy one....they loved themselves enough to in turn share that love with me.  We laughed about silly things and were comfortable in each other's presence.    Tonight, we will all head over to the Village Church, the place we have the joy of calling "home".  We will have the honor of worshiping together the great God and King who sacrificed so that we might have this amazing life.   I look forward to however long God gives me to doing life with these people.  They are my mentors and I want to be theirs in return.

Things that move me

My Pastor recently wrote about things that inspire him and how they have changed over the years. I read it thought it was nice and moved on...or so I thought...

My subconscious must have taken up the string of thought and began to work out the things that inspire me and how my life has been changed and affected by them. The past couple of days, the information gathered has slowly made its way back to the forefront of my mind.

So here are things that move and inspire me....not a completely comprehensive list...but a start.
..... Seeing anyone come to Christ and their world turned upside down uncontrollably by the gospel.
.... Realizing that my Savior did not just die for the middle class white republican man, he died for the poverty stricken and the wealthy, the derelict that society gives up on, just as much as he died for the Mother Teresas and Billy Grahams of the world. What HOPE!
.... A song that "makes my DNA remember Eden and my Heart long for HOME."
....The pure laughter of good friends...the kind that makes your stomach hurt for hours afterwards!
....Those that love their God so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives, the comforts of the suburbs and time away from their family to serve Him.
....Those that love their nation so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives and time away from their family to serve it.
....Church leadership that preach the gospel not traditional moral retoric, and who live out what they preach. Who are willing to go and sacrifice time away from those they love to further the message of the Father they Love!
....Friends that are aware of the sinful depravity of my soul and make the choice to love me anyway.
....The purity of a child's laughter
....Beauty that can be captured within a viewfinder.
....The face of an African baby
....a cool, quiet morning on the patio with a rich cup of coffee
....a full moon
....the roar of the ocean
....that moment just before dawn when the birds first wake up and start to stir

What stirs your affections for Him?

Interesting Day

I am always humbled and amazed by how much God chooses to love me. I have a friend who does not believe that God cares about the "little things." He believes that we were created (by evolution) and then placed on earth and into orbit and God only should be "bothered" by the big things.
Praise the Lord my life is contrary proof of this thought process! What an amazing week this has been! Last Sunday I blogged saying I was packing. Well three days later I was still packing. Why is it that you get this incredible amount of packing done and then sometime in the wee small hours of the morning while you are fast asleep, little elves creep out and take things out of boxes...and create never ending piles of stuff! People I do not have that much stuff, i just couldn't seem to get it all in the box. I also love how packing starts out very organized. Books go in book boxes, lamps go in lamp boxes, all the kitchen goes in a box, then all of the bathroom stuff in a bathroom box, however, by the end of the packing you have boxes with mustard and ketchup in with curtain rods! All sorts of spiritual examples spring to mind with this!

Moving day came on Tuesday, and even though Lisa and I had stayed up till late in the night there was STILL packing to be done. One of those "little details" that God is so good at comes into play here. My sweet former roommate Lisa, (we have only been apart 5 days it is miserable), works for a moving company, and because they were already moving her for free (all the way to Austin. sad.) They offered to load up my stuff and move it across town for free too! What a blessing! We got boxes for free and movers for free. God certainly took care of those tiny details.
Some other details I'll show you later with photos of my new place, but this apartment fulfills not only my basic need for shelter, but my some of my selfish little wants that bring me joy as well.

Other things that were happening on Tuesday....In Mary Kay, I had the production finished, but needed two more of my 6 team members active to be on target for the first level of car! I had been working towards this goal all month long, and the production had been done for weeks. My director had done interview after interview, I had new team members, but only 3 of them were in active status at the time. I woke up on Tuesday, knowing that I absolutely could not think about it. I prayed as I got up and gave it over to the Lord, if it was going to be done, He was going to have to do it. One of my team members called as I was waiting at my new place for my AT&T guy to get the internet installed and needed to get an order placed and wanted some advice on holiday gifts. I was able to talk her through that and sure enough, she placed her order and was active. Praise the Lord! Only one more was needed......

Before I could even give thought to that, the next moment Lisa called and said she couldn't find picasso (my cat) anywhere.
I left the AT&T guy at the house and off I drove back to the old apartment. We searched for 5 hours, but no kitty to be found. Finally we had to leave...both of us were so tired and sore and depressed we were leaving each other. Lisa compared it to the last episode of Friends where they turn out the lights in Monica's apartment for the last time. We stood at our island were we'd had so many conversations, most of our meals, laughed, cried, discussed life, God and boys, and we prayed with each other. Thanking God for the year and a half we had lived in that place, for the laughter and the tears, for the lack of even one argument, for the provision of unexpected needs, and provision of desired wants, for warm beds and shelter when so many don't have that security. We thanked him for letting us find each other, bring us together as roommates and building a lasting friendship between us. We also prayed for the people that would live there next. I don't know who they are, but I hope they find Jesus in that place, or if they already know Him..grow deeper with Him. We cried a moment longer and prayed for Picasso, and then left.

As I pulled into the parking garage of my new apartment building, I got a phone call...one of my team members called to say that she decided to come back active in her business and with that phone call at 10 pm...I was officially done with month one tracking for my 1st free car! I just sat exhausted and overwhelmed in my car and cried!

Picasso was found on Friday, after an exhaustive search. My friend, B, was walking her dog and found him just hanging out at the Lofts across the street! He was unharmed, quite a bit hungry, and has now taken over his rightful control of the new apartment.

God is in the details, he cares about the small things. Why did Picasso get lost, why did I have to wait till the very last second to wrap up month one car production...why did we have to go through that stress? I don't know, but I know that my faith is stronger today because of it. Mark Lowry says, that God shows up in the interruptions of our plans. We think we have things all figured out and that we know exactly which direction we are going in and how we are going to get there. Then God shows up and says, "Sweet child, I have such a better way. You may not like the direction at 1st, but if you don't resist, and you walk the path I have drawn up for you, you will have "joy unspeakable and full of glory".

I am packing today. I move from this apartment home of a year and a half to a new one that will be all my own. Why when there is change do many of the old doubts and fears come to surface? Perhaps a stirring up of dust, an unsettling of what longs to just be settled and stay put.

I am struggling with the "be still and know". It is so hard for be to "be still", even harder somehow to have the faith to "know". Which brings to be the question...Why when He has proven faithful time and again do we continue to struggle with the things we know to be truth? He has proven faithful time and again with my finances and yet, as I sit here typing somewhere my subconscious brain takes over and I worry about things that are financially completely out of my control.

I suppose my moving every couple of years is actually stereotypical for a TCK. I suppose, it is something that must be done. To rummage through what is in my closet and evaluate if I need things I haven't used in years. To rid myself of things that simply weigh me down and hold me back. To start fresh in a new place, new smells, new sights, new sounds, new ways to see Jesus in the little things.

I am so in shock and awe right now I don't have words

This from the associate press:
PETA asks Ben & Jerry's to use breast milk

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Ice cream made from breast milk? That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to consider making.

The Virginia-based nonprofit group sent a letter to company co-founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday asking them to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk in their products.

PETA said the health of consumers and cows would benefit from the switch.

Ben & Jerry's spokesman Rob Michalak said the company applauds PETA's creative approach to bring attention to an issue, but believes that a mother's milk is best used by a child.


***************
Yes please, lets hook up HUMANS to machines, rather than allow those poor pitiful COWS to suffer any more indignaty! WHAT! There are so many words that are not appropriate for me to be thinking right now, much less put on a blog! Flaming Weirdos!

A re-thinking of life as I know it

I recently got rid of my cable...yes I felt that intake of a gasp as those words were read....
But here is where the Lord is leading me right now.
Time spent alone in front of TV or with TV on each week = 3 hours a night 5 nights a week 15HRS
Time spent with Jesus = 1 hour a day 5 days a week - 5 hours (hmm that doesn't add up)
Time spent with friends pouring into each others lives - 2 hours (WHAT!)
Time spent in ministry helping change the lives of others - 4 hours
Ok so all of the other time together still does not add up to the amount of time I was wasting watching TV.

Then I began to add up some other things...
Cable per month $44
Sponsoring a child through Compassion international $32
Missionary friends that could use an extra $50 in support- numerous

So I got rid of cable. I won't miss anything but garbage for the most part anyway... almost every show out there compromises my walk in some way anyway.
Instead I get to use that money towards better things, that time towards the enriching of others lives....I don't know if this is a forever decision, but it is definately a for now decision....life is too short so spend hours alone watchin....

In the words of T.S. Elliot The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.

What else will He change in me if I let Him? Oh the amazing possibilities!

Some of the greatest leaders of worship, all of whom have impacted my life in one song or another...on stage together...amazing!

I am not the same.....

for I have seen the moon from the other side of the world.

McCain's Daughter

So far all I have seen is the epitome of class! :)
and she is a blogger!

Reasons why....

Ok so I have written quite a bit late about "stay tuned for more news" and then in the last post shared that I was getting serious about my Mary Kay. Let me share a little about the reasons why so you can hear my heart and know more how to pray for me. My sweet faithful readers are such prayer warriors and every step of my journey the past few years, the smooth sailing and the bumps in the road have been bathed in prayer...something I can never hope to repay, and something for which I will be grateful for eternity.

Reasons why:
#1 and most dear to my heart...ministry opportunity.
Every year at seminar they bring in international directors from one of the 30 countries where Mary Kay is sold. This year the week I went the international guests were from all parts of Asia. Quietly in the depths of my heart the Lord spoke and said "You cannot walk freely into these places with a Bible, but you can walk right in with a starter kit....but you can't take a starter kit internationally without being a director." Can you imagine, as a director I can go anywhere in the world and teach women how to enrich their lives and walk into homes with some cleanser and moisturizer...and in the midst of that get to share Jesus! How powerful is that! Even I sit here and type it out to you I get tears in my eyes.
#2. Financial freedom. Working for myself and controlling my own life and time. This year at my church, we sent out several missionary families and as a church body will go on both international and domestic missional trips and opportunities. That is my heart beat, but I cannot take all the time I want off work to head over to Sudan, or to help develop the missions training manual or even to go spend 10 days in Kenya. Not to mention being able to head over and help my mom and dad in Botswana for a few weeks if I wanted to. I can with this business. It affords me the financial freedom to say, I am spending my time doing this and doing that.
#3. Right here in Dallas, TX I have the ability to do both of the things mentioned above. I have the opportunity to spend time and minister to women that in a normal day to day I might never even encounter, but through a skin care class, or a guest event, I get to meet them, make them feel better about themselves, and get to share the Lord with them. How powerful is that! This morning at a city wide guest event that we have every month in the Dallas area, a woman won highest sales for the month. When she found out she was #1 she started crying...her testimony was this. She said she always thought she was a nobody who did nothing, and after being in Mary Kay for 3 weeks she was a somebody. How incredible is that. Plus the name of Jesus was spoken freely and often among this group of incredible women...what a great place to take someone who is not a believer who would never darken the door of a church.

That is my heartbeat right now. I know this is a journey God has called me on. He has been calling me for a while and I have chosen to walk in the mediocre, however....no longer. So when you wonder if I have fallen off the face of the earth or why I choose to say no to some fun activity for a while. It is because I am choosing to take this time to build my business to where I know the Lord has called me to be. It will take a little bit of work (I have found that the Lord only blesses the work of your hands, if you are doing work...fancy that!), and a lot of prayer and encouragement. But (ok here it is on a public blog!) I will be a director by December of this year.

Thanks for loving me, for believing in me, for helping me reach my dream. Please continue to pray as I walk in obedience towards what He is drawing out in me to do!

Of newsy notes

I am at work....trying desperately to stay awake. I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks...this often happens when I am stressed and/or change is happening. (with that criteria it is amazing that I sleep at all!)

So here is what's happening in the life of Amanda:
September 20th, I will be moving to a new abode. After a year and a half of living 20 minutes from work and 30 minutes from church, I have decided to make a move to an apartment that is much closer to both.
Sadly, my roommate will not be moving with me. Her current employment is in the opposite direction from mine, so my moving closer is her moving farther. Also her brother is moving to town and will be her new roommmate.
So, P&P and I will be setting into a new place that is all our own. One of the best features...it is no where near Cowboys! traffic!!!!

I have been asking God for some very direct answers regarding my future. Specifically within my Mary Kay. I had made the decision that I was going to quit being a consultant as a hobby. This meant one of two things. I was quitting altogether or getting serious. Due to some very specific things that the Lord revealed to me in the last part of July, I have decided to get serious. I am now working my business as a business. I am on a very systematic and structured path toward directorship. You can help here by praying for this business, that it would be used for His glory. Refer friends, host a spa pampering session (if you are out of town that is ok you can host a web party! just ask how!), or if you know someone who is looking for an amazing opportunity in a company that puts God first, Family second and Career third (in word and in deed), then please send them my way.

Many of you have asked about my holiday plans. I am so excited to say that I am going to get to go to Botswana for Christmas. An adopted home of sorts as Kenya is HOME, but Botswana is where mom and dad live! I will be leaving December 17th and don't return until January 5th. I will also have a few short days to spend in England a whirlwind tour of friends that I have not seen in 13 years! I am so excited! Definitely not long enough, but will be a start.

God continues to move in my life daily. He is stretching my faith to new levels and building in me areas of trust I didn't even know I struggled with before. I am more in love with the Father than I have ever been. I am currently leading an incredible group of ladies in a home group style setting. This has been an adventure! For those who know me well, they know my lack of desire to even have girls as friends, much less lead a group of them. Yet these girls have rocked my world. I have never had friendships as sweet and as deep as these and I am so excited for it to keep going!

At church I have taken on leadership within the intercessory ministry. Something that I told God I wouldn't do...He just smiles when we say stuff like that. It is an old journey with a new vision and the Lord is teaching me so much about prayer and the power of it.

Many of you have asked about my sweet friend Karen and her son Alex. He is smack in the middle of chemo therapy and now has a website you can visit and keep track of praying for him. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alexmodesitt Head over and leave a note of encouragement.

Lastly, as I have been packing, I have run across some fun memories...and one was a book that I just started writing sayings, lyrics, and poems I enjoyed. I now do that by blogging I suppose, but I came across this poem by Emily Dickinson and it just made me smile.

A thought went up my mind to-day
That I have had before,
But did not finish,--some way back,
I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went, nor why it came
The second time to me,
Nor definitely what it was,
Have I the art to say.

But somewhere in my soul, I know
I've met the thing before;
It just reminded me--'t was all--
And came my way no more.


Blessings!

Enough

Sometimes things are just too deep and painful, sometimes just to deep and joyful to write out or process all at once. The past few months have been that for me. I am still processing, but today as I was spending time in the Word, I began to write this prayer of sorts. What I have come to know is that in sadness, pain or blissful joy...He alone is enough.

Through loss of one, pain strikes
Through rejection a deepening wound
Confusion riddles the mind
Sleepless sadness turns to slumbering escape.

Desire for tomorrow
Robs the joy of today.
Pride shows its promises yet unfulfilled
While in the corner humility quietly waits
Redemption offered up in open hands

Turn to the left, turn to the right
Life spinning, seemingly out of control.
Searching for fantasies just out of reach
When He alone is enough.

"Child, do you trust me?"
"No, Lord" is my cry
Honesty, He desires,
Brokenness, He treasures.

Your name...brings restoration.
Your name...today's joy.
Your name...tomorrow's glory.
Your honor...my pleasure.
Your renown...my gain.
Your majesty...my treasure.
You...Hope Found!!

TAGGED!

My friend Becky tagged me...Enjoy!

8 Things I am Passionate About:
Jesus
The Village Church
My family
Mary Kay
Ministering to women
Adult Third Culture Kids
Praying for others
Travel


8 Books I Have Read and Enjoyed:
To hold me to 8 here is almost cruel..
All of “In Death” Series by J.D. Robb (that in itself is more than 8)
Anne of Green Gables
Speechless
Fresh Faith
A Woman’s call to prayer
The Hour Game
A Year of Living Bibilically
Bobo’s in Paradise



8 Words/Phrases I Say Often:
Praise the Lord!
That’s HI-La-rI-ous!
Paddington, NO!
Do you have a quick minute?
Can I ask you a crazy question?
Thank you, Mary Kay!
I need coffee
Meighan Girgus’ office this is Amanda



8 Things I Want to do Before I Die… (In no particular order):
See my lifelong friends come to know Jesus
Become a MK director (ok this before Nov. 30)
Publish something
Sell a photography book
Take a photography class
Sky Dive
Return to Africa to live
See all 7 continents (4 down, 3 to go)

8 Things I Learned This Past Year:
Mentors attract survivors….rescuers attract victims
Sometimes losing a friend is the best thing for both of you.
Sometimes you have to say “no” to good things, to get the best.
RUN from negativity (people, news, etc)
The difference between a worthless uncut diamond and priceless beauty is “work”
You are known by your past, or your possibilities….it is your choice.
The great things about dreams is they have no time or language barriers.
Success is the sum of small efforts repeated.
You cannot stuff a great life into a small dream. In order to dream and have a great life, you must be motivated by the possibility of the not yet reality, and motivated by the future.

Eight People I want to Tag:
Shital
MC
K
Natalie
Amy
Pamelamb
DRC
Kate

Promises

Not one single promise has failed. How powerful those words. His word is filled to the brim with promises and not one has failed. How silly and shallow I am to even attempt to walk in doubt and fear. I have a promise of hope and a future, a promise of life and that more abundant. The ups and the downs they are part of the promise. He promises He will hold my hand, he will direct my path, he will give wisdom without resentment....not one single promise has failed.

Joshua 23:14 - "Now behold, today I am going the way of all the earth, and you know in all your hearts and in all your souls that not one word of all the promises which the LORD your God spoke concerning you has failed; all have been fulfilled for you, not one of them has failed."

I am on the fast track

To directorship that is....
Be prepared to hear a lot about Mary Kay in the next couple of months.

The Lord has taken me on quite a journey the past few months, some I will share as I feel that I can, some will just stay with me, but you will see it as it beings to manifest itself in me.

More soon...for now...bedtime.

Ball-FOUR

I just got home from the most boring baseball game in my life! But it was fun! Thanks Nathan!
Sat right next to the rival bull pen....so question of the evening. If your last name is Balfour are you destined to be a major league pitcher?

Great Quotes

One of my very favorite people turned 50 this past month:
My memories of Mark Lowry go farther back than he would want to know! Some of my very favorite memories are road trips through the amazing scenery of Kenya with Mark in the the cassette (that's right cassette) player. It doesn't matter how many times I hear his stories they still make me laugh till I cry. One time I even went to his concert on back to back nights!
In the midst of his humor is a heart that is deeply in love with the Father and with that love comes words of wisdom that move me and bless me.
He recently posted a list of his favorite quotes over the past few years...some of them are funny some are just great...read and enjoy.
Mark Lowry Quotes:

“Happiness is a roller-coaster ride, contentment is falling backwards into Grandma’s feather bed."

“We don't help people by showing them our trophies, we help them by showing them our scars."

“When you see a stranger you must change the way you view him. Instead of seeing a school teacher, a mother, an ax murderer or a priest, see who they really are, the image of God on legs.”

"Love the sinner, hate the sin? How about: Love the sinner, hate your own sin! I don't have time to hate your sin. There are too many of you!"

“I would hate to be an atheist. They have no one to thank.”

“Hoe your row. But not too deeply or it will become a rut.”

"God is crazy about you!"

"You work... so you can play."

"It's not a great song unless it makes your DNA remember Eden and your spirit long for Home."

“Before you plant your seed you better check out the soil.”

“God thinks you’re worth loving and you don’t get a vote.”

"I hate puns. And, I'm tired of pardoning them."

"The things you're crying about today, you might be laughing about in ten years ... and then again ... maybe not."

"When you wrap a flag around the Cross, you make both impotent."

"Politics trims the shrub, the Gospel cuts the root."

"If you have ADD, you shouldn't learn to ride a motorcycle until you learn to drive a wheelchair."

"Life is a series of recoveries."

"The self-righteous have their fig leaves so tightly bound that they have forgotten the seeping wounds beneath the foliage."

"Broken pots spill more water."

“Take the high road, there’s less traffic.”

“Time has shown me that what may feel like a brick wall is just a speed bump on the journey.”

It has simply been a long week....

....and it is only Wednesday.

First off I would like to request prayer for this sweet boy...

The son of a friend of mine. Alex is undergoing chemo this week for a cancerous tumor found on his hip. At 18 he is pretty resilient as most of the young are, but he is still scared and still in need of the Father's arms around Him.


I lost a friend this week. Sometimes that is the consequence of doing what you know is right. Doesn't hurt any less.

Sometimes being sad is just ok.....

In Love

with my new camera.... :)
My first shot was quite spectacular, however, you will have to wait on that one as my generic memory card corrupted and I am working on getting those pictures set free. However, I have had opportunity to get a new card and play some more..last night I played in monochrome mode....see below....
Paddington


Self Portrait


My toes


Picasso (wishing I would stop!)

I am the proud owner!

Of a new Canon 30D! :)

Ok so I took this with my camera phone.

I'll upload Canon 30D photos soon.

Who?

do you talk to...when you are not talking to the person you talk to?
SIGH!!

Quote of the week:
"It is the story of life....Boy meets girl....boy gets stupid...boy and girl lives stupidly ever after."

Speak Softly

"Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in the warmth of your greeting. always have a cheerful smile. Don't only give your care, but give your heart as well."
--Mother Teresa

Today I choose

It is going to be a GREAT day!
I am going to live in His Promises
His Truth
His Word....
Others and cirumstances will not control my happiness, will not rob me of my joy!

Psalm 145:13
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.

Much Joy! Happy Memories

Thank you Starr
for these happy memories. They have brought much joy and laughter...especially the years '98 to '03 years!

The Music in My Head

Flat out, no competition, KSBJ, is my radio station. Truely...well it's God's, but He lets me claim it as mine.

This year for the 4th year in a row I participated in KSBJ's Sharathon. This is an amazing 3 days of the year when the radio station raises money for operations for the entire year (meaning absolutely NO commercials) and for all sorts of incredible special projects that further the work of the kingdom around the globe. I have had the honor of supporting this radio station for five years and working at Sharathon for four.

Even though I live in Dallas I continue to volunteer as my hope is one day the signal will be strong enough to reach all the way here. Until then I listed by webcast!

Every year, simply gets better.
This year, I was up at 4am to make the drive from The Woodlands to Humble, and start my shift at 5 am. This year, rather than answering phones I volunteered to fill into areas that might need the help of some of the more experienced volunteers. So I started by checking in the phone volunteers and it was fun to see those from previous years, and see how their year had gone. Each year there are a lot of new faces and people to meet and learn about. However, there are also friends from years gone by, and Sharathon is simply a reunion to share all that God has done in our lives!
At around 8 am, I moved into phone central where all the action happens! :) Phone answerers were at every table taking pledges and the DJ's were floating around talking to the audience and the volunteers. I worked at the verifiying table...verifying the pledges that came in and making changes where necessary. Later in the afternoon I was able to do a bit of floating, answering questions of volunteers and spending time with Sharathon friends!
Also, thanks to a webcam set up in Phone central, my parents were able to see me from across the water in Botswana. Everyone got into the fun waving at them and saying "hi mom and dad!" When my dad called my friend Coop (KSBJ's summer intern) waved with me and his mom happened to be watching at the same time. So she texted him "how did you know to wave right then?" We haven't told her that he wasn't waving at her!
Also I started to wonder later what others watching the webcam right at that moment might be thinking...(who is this crazy girl talking on the phone and waving and turning round and round.) ha ha ha
I found myself in some of the photos of the day...they are horrible! I was so exhuausted by the time they got around to capturing my face.
The highlight of my day was my time spent in the Prayer room with the women of Pray the Word Ministries. I have had the honor of praying with and being prayed for by these amazing women. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the time spent with me on Friday...praying the words of Jesus over me and reminding me of His unending faithful promises to me and my life. Also teaching me how to pray these things for myself. Thank you Lord for this ministry and the work that you do through them.
The second highlight of my day was getting meet Becky Kankelfritz, I have had the pleasure of getting to know her via her blog and a mutual love of photography this past year. I have also had the distinct honor of getting to pray for her and her sweet family as the Lord walks us through similar lessons on different paths. Becky, I am so excited to continue to develop our friendship!
Our on time God helped us meet our Sharathon goals this year right at the closing minute of this pledge time. I am so thankful for His faithful work in this ministry year after year! I am honored to get to be a part of it!

I can't wait till next year to see what all God has done, in this year of "New Beginnings"

Jesus YOU be lifted High

I think sometimes the greatest thing that comes from God working in my life is not necessarily the process.
When he has to dig out roots of weeds of doubt, fear, bitterness, and anger that have had years to grow deep, it does not feel good. When I have to face feelings of being unloved, and abandoned and simply unworthy...I also have to face the reasons behind those. Some of those are memories that I don't really care to dredge back up but have to be brought out so they can be purged and burned up in the Refiner's fire.
That weeding, purging and burning up, is not comfortable. Sometimes it is more painful than I imagine that I can bear. However, what I am finding is the beauty of the joy that is within that pain. There is Hope, Restoration, Joy, Peace that goes far beyond what can be explained or imagined.
My desire is to go deeper, to know Him more intimately, to lift Him high as I am brought low.
The words of the song Be Lifted High by Michael W. Smith have resonated over and over and over again in my heart this week.

Sin and its ways grow old
All of my heart turns to stone
And I'm left with no strength to arise
How You need to be lifted high

Sin and its ways lead to pain
Left here with hurt and with shame
So no longer will I leave your side
Jesus, you be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you be lifted high

And even now that I'm inside your hands
Help me not to grow prideful again
Don't let me forsake sacrifice
Jesus you be lifted high

And if I'm blessed with the riches of kings
How could I ever think that it was me
For you brought me from darkness to light
Jesus, you be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you'll be lifted high

Oh Jesus, you be lifted high
Oh you be lifted high
Oh you be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you be lifted high