Sad

Last year it was a beautiful spring day and I was on my way home from Abilene where I had been for Easter. I remember clearly at what point in the journey that I was when my phone rang. It was my friend Candy telling me that our friend Karen’s mom had lost her battle with cancer.

I remember being sad.
I was sad for Karen, she was so close to her mom and I had watched from a distance as she LOVED her mom through those last few months. I didn’t really know Karen well, but I knew she was beautiful and I wanted to remember her example.

A week later, I would get another phone call. Another mother of one I held dear was in a fatal car accident. Another funeral. More grief. Another soul that God wanted, so we would have to give up for now. I did not know this beautiful woman, but she was dear to those who were dear to me and I was sad.

A few short days later, I got the phone call I had been dreading. Mrs. Virginia Moreno, my instructor’s mom, finally lost her battle with cancer and went home to be with Jesus. This time I knew her. I was sad, heart hurting, God questioning, sad. Why would God take this woman, she was so beautiful and so full of life. I mourned that day, and have mourned many days since. The 1st testing at our school without her there….the 1st tournament that she wasn’t ringside…..the day I got my black belt, she was one of the few that I longed to be there that wasn’t. I didn’t know her very long but I loved her!

The common thread here, was that in 3 short weeks we had 3 funerals. A family rose up from the ashes of that mourning and became strong. For me it was a place where finally I could call home.

Today was a similar type of funeral feeling. I AM SAD! I feel as though I have lost a part of me that I can never have back. I have lost a Tae kwon do school, a man I counted among my friends, families that I love to be a part of, a part of my life that was for me so very sacred and dear. I have lost a home.

My heart is hurting. I have lost……. I am lost. What could I have done that might have changed things?

I weep as I sit here, and mourn for what might have been. I mourn for a family I have lost.

Why? What did I do to deserve how I feel? I loved, I was loyal, I was faithful, and I am now betrayed.

I am sad, heart hurting, not sleeping, tears of sorrow……sad.