Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas....
Can't believe how my life has changed this year. Part of New Year goals is to get back to this blog...get back to writing in general actually. And recently made a promise to Jack Bauer that I would - and well for anyone who has watched 24 - one knows not to mess with Jack.

For now, Merry Christmas to all....

Dear Blog

Please don't think I don't love you anymore, I just need some time to process the thoughts that are constantly running through my head.

I'll be back soon,
Amanda

my love for You

this is how i love You
i obey Your commmands
to love Truth and love justice
and my fellow man
to steady to weak
and the hungry to feed
that Christ might be honored
and with me be pleased

for this is the love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love i have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

this is how i love You
giving as i've received
the blessings You've lavished
to others in needto care for the poor
to free the oppressed
to stand for the orphan
and the widow to bless
if I have not love then i truly have nothing at all

here now is love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love I have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

God did

There is a cute little tune, with a catchy little rhythm, with words that speak to the goody two shoes I used to be. All of my life I have been in an inner battle to live how other people wanted me to live and be who others wanted me to be.

In the journey of the past couple of years when I have begun to peel off the dead and dying parts of me that really should have never been there in the first place. To remove from me a skin that was covering up the who of me and the truely coming to terms with the inner parts that have been crying for years to be recognized and brought to the forefront. Who I am growing and moving towards now is who I have always wanted to be, and the more I am allowing myself to "just be" and to grow; the deeper my heart finds dwelling within the God of the universe.

But what I am also finding is that God is so much different than who I ever imagined Him to be. The ways in which He loves me and shows that love towards me are in tune and rhythm with things that make my heart beat...rather than against it, as I have so long battled. Nature, pleasure, music, dance, the fullness of life are not a contridiction to Him, but rather a flow of sacred rhythm that comes out of Him, for my good and His glory. This realization has formed a new awareness in me to the world around me. Things that I appreciated before; I now cherish and desire to know more about. I am not made to live under the law, I am made to live in fullness of life.

So this catchy tune by some guys called "Shane & Shane", I referenced at the beginning of this rambling, has some powerful words that resonate with my heart and thoughts on this Monday morning:

Growin’ up I overheard
All the grown ups sayin’
You better be prayin’
And sayin’
All the right little things
At the right little times
And I had it down
At least on the outside

I’d put my best side forward
I could smile with the best
And dress like the rest
Of the messed up church folk singin’ a song

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Could it be that morality
Got the best of you and me
Got us thinking
That we’re on the brink
Of a drink of the cup that’s all filled up
With the cross havin’ even a little to do with us
It was His day
It was His way

To the glory of His grace
Took our disease
Enough to please
The Father of lights
To bruise Jesus

Maybe do’s and don’ts
Were made to show
How much we do
And don’t ever make it

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Sacrificial Obedience

Genesis 22:1-10
1. After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 2. He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." 3. So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. 4.On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5.Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you." 6.And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. 7.And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" 8. Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together.
9.When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.

This passage of scripture has come back to my mind over and over again this past week. Having grown up in the church, I have heard this story in Sunday School, in lessons, in sermons...but this week God showed it to me in a different way.

Abraham's sacrificial obedience....God said "Abraham go kill your son." Abraham did not question, "Are you sure?", he did not run to his friends to ask their opinion of what God had said, he did not spend time in counsel with his priest, or even ask his wife. The scriptures say, the next morning, he got up, gathered the supplies to do what God had asked of him, and he started out, he walked up the mountain, he built the altar, he bound his son, and raised the knife.

My battle this week has been learning to walk in that sort of obedience. I am pretty selfish. I want what I want; and what I do not want I will find a way out of. So when God asks me to do something that I do not necessarily like at that moment....even with the head knowledge that is for my good and His glory....what is my response? I will confess that rarely (if ever) has my response been to get up the next morning and get to it. Rather I usually go round and round and analyze and try to find the logic, seek the counsel of friends and godly men and women, then if I can find no way around it...I will obey God.

Now I am not saying to never seek the counsel of another, but there are some circumstances in which cousel is not needed because the voice of God is loud and clear as to what it is He is asking me to do.

So this week I have had to learn a very difficult lesson of sacrificial obedience. Learning to raise the knife on the thing I love and desire, with faith that according to His promise there will be a "ram in the thicket" that will be revealed in God's perfect timing, within His perfect will. My walk of obedience is not to look for this ram, to seek all possible alternatives, it is simply to in faith, gather the supplies for what He has asked of me, to walk up the mountain, build the altar, bind that which He has called me to sacrifice, and raise the knife.

Frustration, Pride and Fear

I get so frustrated when I cannot write what is in my head. My thoughts are thinking it, my subconcious is turning it over and over and keeping me from soundly sleeping, my prayers are even directed towards it. But what IS 'it'?  

About a year ago I stopped being able to truly share what was on my heart in words on a page (especially a blogging page).  I look back over the past few years that I have written and cannot seem to find a time when this has been an issue before so why now.

In part, I believe that God is doing a work in me that I just do not want to share with the world yet.  Sometimes things that are going on in my heart and mind are not quite figured out and I don't want to have to defend them to anyone as I am just figuring out how to defend them in myself.  

Another theory, is that my life just seems mundane.  I am a wandering soul, always looking for the next adventure.  My previous writings have been deep thoughts conjured up on short journeys, or tales of my adventures...and, well, those types of adventures have been rather non-existent in the recent past.  

Then there is the intimidation factor.  I have incredibly creative friends and relatives who write words that I love to drink in, and my words have seemed simply inadequate in comparison -quite probably due to the two afore mentioned reasons.

But reality is, the basis of all three and the truth behind it all is fear and pride.  Such ugly little words, such ugly feelings, and so completely demoralizing.

Fear - What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond?  What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more?  What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane?  What if I am....??

Pride - the irony here is while these thoughts might appear to be "humble" they are really just prideful. Why is there any assumption that my words are more than mere entertainment, and that anyone but those that love me most choose to read them anyway.  Why would any of this have any affect on my worth?   

I remember when I started this blog three years ago and wrote the words " Sometimes I am deep and sometimes I am shallow....either way...I am still me.  I put up words for others to read...if you like them say so...if you don't that is fine too...they are still my words, still my feelings, still me."

So here is my confession, some where along the way I lost the value and meaning behind that statement.  My pride started caring what others thought and in the journey to rediscover me I somehow missed this particular attack of the enemy.  So I am reclaiming those words, I am going to write....my words may be silly and shallow, or I may take on something I am trying to figure out....I am trepidatiously (is that even a word?)  going to put myself back out there.  

Going back to those feelings of fear...those "what ifs?"

What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? Then I will honestly say, this is something I am working through and while I love your input I am not yet ready to defend or debate my thoughts just yet....and they will respect that answer...they are my friends.

What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more?  Then they were never truely friends to begin with and they can go fly a kite! What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane?   Then they will be more of a motivation to step out into the adventure.

What if I am....??  What if I am not?!?

So thoughts, feelings, words on a page....the adventure begins again.  Fear  - still there - but this time prodding me to do better.  Pride - only in the fact that He who began a good work in me is FAITHFUL to complete it. 

Come as a child

There is this man that stole my heart the first time I met him....he was 3!

He has this deep brown eyes, that speak volumes, this quirky "innocent" smile that assures you there is something going on in that brain of his and he is weighing the consequences to see if he should do it or not, and this astounding wisdom that is amazingly distinct and precise and no nonsense for one so young.

We (his family and friends) call him "Fish". You can read more about the "Fish-isms" on my friend K's blog. She is the mom so has the "rights" to the words that come from him. However, I have taken snippet of one of her latest blog to paste here, because it is so Fish and such an example to who we all should be.

He and K were going over some of the lessons he is learning for his upcoming first communion.

"We brought up the idea that we can thank God in our quiet times with Him. I asked Fish if he ever talks to God.
He replied, " Yep, at night when I am trying to go to sleep!"
I then asked him what kinds of things he talks about with God.He replied, "Well... we just play Rock, Paper, Scissors"
...I said, "WHAT?! Ok, Fish, so who wins?"
To which his answer was, "Uh, mom? He does! Remember, He knows my thoughts, so He already knows what I am going to do, so He always wins!""

This was so cute, but rather than just laughter this also brought tears to my eyes. HE gets it. This is such a beautiful example for each of us the verse that talks about having the faith of a child. (Mark 10:15, Luke 18:17) Fish as a child has the faith to know that God already knows, so what does he have to worry about? He sees God as a friend and a Father and trusts and relies on Him fully. My prayer for this little man who captures my heart so often is that these truths that he is so poinantly aware of at this young age will remain with him as he grows up in this world that so often tries to tell us differently.

As for me, that I would work hard to continue my pursuit of childlike faith. Not just the principles of faith that I learned as a child, but the true meaning behind childlike faith....that I would stop trying to control my world, but rather have the faith like a child that God is leading me to through the Holy Spirit. That I would remember as Fish has so sweetly reminded me that "He already knows it...so what do I have to worry about."

Love you Fish....

I love the love....

I have the greatest examples of love in my pastoral family. I love the way the men adore and pursue their women and how the women adore and pursue right back. Don't get me wrong I know that they have their issues...and that every day is not a fairy tale...(I know this because they are open and honest about it!)

I look back over my life at the times I settled for who was right there in front of me. While I don't regret a single relationship I have ever had I can say that I am so thankful that they were only seasons in my life.

I will no longer settle....I know who I am (and I like her in case I haven't mentioned that lately) and what my heart cries out for....

So, Chandlers, Bleekers, Pattersons, Hardins, Lewis(s), Barkers, and the rest of my married pastoral staff....thank you for loving each other and living out that love in example to the rest of us singles. My prayer for each of you daily is that God hedges your families with protection, and that your love for each other grows!

A new day....new mercies

I have a vision poster on my bulletin board...it has words and phrases cut out from magazines and helps me focus in on things that I forget to think about.  I have another one that just has verses of scripture.  

At the top of one of them it says "Who are you today?" Followed by words of truth about myself.   I see this when I first wake up in the morning, and then as I walk into my bathroom I see a sticky note on my mirror that says "Mediocrity or World Change...Your choice - have a great day!"

The verses of scripture that are currently up for me to see (they change from time to time) revolve around faith.  

Hebrews 11:6 - Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those that earnestly seek Him.  

Galatians 5:6 - The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

I John 5:4 - Everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This the victory that has overcome the world even our faith.

Numbers 23:19 - God is not a man that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.  He has said, and will He not do it?  Or has He spoken, and He will not fulfill it?

II Corinthians 3:16-18 " But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.  now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is Spirit."

These are words and phrases that I have put around to keep my mind focused on where it should be.  Yet still so often I fail.  So often I still go off into fantasy land thinking, "life would be so much better if", or into the land of worry, "Where will I be tomorrow, where is God taking  me", or into the valley of disgruntlement (not even sure if that is a word but it is for sure a place), "Why am I only this far along in my life, and why do I seem to never get any farther?"

These words...lies...that often fill my head are so dangerous.  Where is the voice of Truth in any of that?  One time a comedian that I enjoy called worry "future-tripping", and said when you go "future tripping" you go to a place that doesn't exist, and God cannot dwell in a place that does not exist.

So, my confession this morning is that I have been future tripping.  I have been wandering in the land of "what if", worrying about tomorrow, focusing on what I cannot control, rather than holding fast and leaning in to the One who is totally in control.  Only He can turn my dreams into reality.  I want to be where He is so that my Joy may increase.  

One of the phrases on my board says "every day brings a chance to start over", on the board with scripture a verse I have says "His mercies are new every morning."  So today, is a chance to start over once again.  To focus my heart on Him.  To put my trust fully in the God of the universe and stop trying to run the universe myself.  Imagine the possibilities!!

A Fantastic Month!

Its been a while since I blogged. Not really for lack of trying…as I have started several blogs and then stopped as the words I was writing simply seemed trite.

I have promised blogs about my time in Africa and England, and I guess I’ll get to those when I finish processing what is mine and what is ok to share with the world of bloggers. But photos can now been seen here.

I think that is how I feel about a lot that is going on in my life right now. For the first time in many many years I like who I am. I am not pretending. I am not trying to be something for someone, or to act a certain way so that I will be liked by a certain group. I am simply myself. I am open, honest (probably to a fault) and unapologetic about myself. I LIKE me! This has been a very long time coming because for so long I tried so hard to please everyone else and not realizing that in the process I was losing parts of me.

I had the very best January I ever remember! In October of last year I started making some changes in my life. I started truly evaluating who I was, what I didn’t like about myself and what I was going to have to do change it. Some of that was written out in blogs along the way, and some was much more private and was just me and God one on one. The process is on going of course and has not been easy.

First, I had to sit down and do some serious evaluating of different relationships in my life…who did I want to be there and who did I not want. Purging oneself of others that weigh you down is not always easy. Why was I spending so much time, effort and emotion on people that were not bringing me more of Him? Was I going to spend my whole life being a rescuer? Or was I finally going to make the choices that needed to be made and be a mentor? This decision while easy enough on paper, was/is very difficult in real life and can be confusing and hurtful for both parties when “friendships” have to come to an end.

However, the happier side of that is I also made some choices about who I wanted to invest my life in! This meant actual planning. Funny how that works. I plan out the rest of my life, everything is on my calendar, even my time with God and my gym time. If I don’t plan for it, it just doesn’t happen. But somehow I was expecting friendships and the investment into them to just happen spontaneously. Phone calls always ended with “We’ve got to get together soon”, but never a plan on when “soon” was…resulting in another 6 months without seeing or spending quality time with each other. So when I returned from my holiday time overseas, I placed a series of phone calls, and put those that I love and desire to see on the calendar. I saw friends that I have been wanting to see for ages, caught up on their lives, laughed and cried, and took pictures!

I also sat down with each of them and put more dates on the calendar so that we already have our next time together planned. This resulted in a fantastic January full of friends and MUCH less time alone on the couch watching TV that will not improve my life one iota!

I also have worked very hard to get procrastination out of my life. I found a quote that said that “procrastination is a way for us to be satisfied with second-rate results.” What a wake up call! I procrastinate about silly things…the water bottles on my desk, in my car, and around my apartment are very good examples of this. Drink the water or use it for another purpose; do not leave it sitting for days on end. This should not be hard. But it is the little things that lead to the bigger things and so habits of procrastination are born and raised up strong. So I started making myself do things like “take my jacket out of my car and upstairs and hang it in the closet” AMAZING – car is cleaner and so is apartment. (and jacket is much easier to locate it when I need it). January became a much more discipline and organized month!

One other thing that I did that was different and fun for me this year was I spent my birthday money on what I wanted rather than on bills. I am really bad at spending money on myself. I just always think it will be so much better for my bottom line of school loans, etc if I put the money towards that. This has held true for years, but this year I had genuine wants/needs and that extra money came to good use! I finally bought the George Foreman Grill that I wanted …I am very much in love with it!

Plus after several trips to Ikea (where God blessed me with some GREAT sales) I am proud/happy to say my apartment finally looks more like a place where someone lives rather than a temporary dwelling.

January was indeed great! I am looking forward to a fantastic year, continual self discovery with God’s help, and spending lots and lots of time with those that I love!!!

A new president

I was reading Beth Moore's blog this morning and it so shared my heart feelings right now that I thought I would copy it.

"I can't think of anything more appropriate and more Biblical than reserving this day on our blog for heart-felt prayers for our new president and his family. You are welcome to write your genuine words of intercession as a comment to this post just as you'd lift them before the Throne of Grace for President and Mrs. Obama and their two precious daughters. Today it makes no difference how anyone voted. God in His sovereignty has appointed this day and our new president needs our prayers. "This is good, and pleases God our Savior." 1 Timothy 2:1-3."

I am also spending time in prayer for the Bush's today. How bittersweet this day must be for them. Again no matter what your politics or how you chose to vote, He and Laura served this country for 8 years. A job I would not want that is for sure! For the sacrifices and leadership of a great man I am thankful.

Where is home?

I'm back....home. After being....home.

I looked forward to Africa with MUCH excitement! When I booked the tickets in July, I literally drove my office crazy with the announcement every hour, and stopped just short of turning cartwheels in the halls!

As time wore on, my excitement did not dwindle, but was put to the side as responsibility took over, work piled on and the normal every day demands of life weedled their way back in. The last two weeks before I got on the plane were a flurry of last minute shopping, wrapping up projects, preparing both work and home for my three week absence, and trying to see everyone that needed to be seen before I left, as well as holiday festivities and the normal every day demands of life.

People kept asking "Aren't you so excited?" To which my reply was "I am sure I will be..I just have to get this done!"

I got on the plane on December 17th, knowing that my parents were on the other side of the water waiting for me to disembark. I rested my head on the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I was going to miss several gatherings of friends, 4 church services (including a candlelight service that I LOVE to be a part of), my aunt's house in North Carolina, and countless other little things that make up Christmas when I am "home".

The tears quickly went away however, in the anticipation of seeing my family.

After a 10 hour layover in London, where I found out that Big Ben is not as big as I thought it was and that the Prime Minster has a much prettier tree than Buckingham Palace,(more on this day later) I was once again on a plane and bound for "home".

I breezed through customs having nothing to declare but that I was so glad to be back in Africa! I saw my dad at first glance and rushed into the arms of my mother! What joy! I was home!

We made our way through Johannesburg and down the highway to the border and across. We drove up the driveway and I walked into my parent's house.

Our time together was lovely and my next post I'll write about our time at the game reserve and the magnificence that is seeing animals in the creation that God made for them.

I enjoyed every moment with my mom and dad. We laughed, cried, prayed, watched lots of Monk, sang and even danced together. My time spent with my brothers was sweet, and I had the pleasure of meeting their friends and getting to know them better.

But as the days went by rather than longing to stay, my heart was longing for "home". 

Soon the day came that I was to get back on the plane.  As mentioned in previous blog, the gravitational pull once again separated my heart leaving half of it in the red soils of Africa.  I rested my head on the back of the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I wanted so badly to stay, yet I wanted so badly to go. 

I landed in the US after a brief few days in London (again more on this later), and after breezing through customs because I had nothing to declare except that I was glad to be back in the United States.....I was "home".

WHERE IS THIS HOME?????

My heart cries out for the land of Africa. As was written in a past blog it is only there that my heart feels completely whole. But then when I am there, my mind and soul dwell on what is going on in Dallas, and grieves that I am not there.  This is the conundrum of third culture kids from Abraham's time until now.  This is who we are, no matter where we are we are always on the wrong side of the planet.  As Monk would say, "it is a blessing, AND a curse."   

I am looking forward to the day when we are all HOME!  When I can sit at the feet of Jesus surrounded by all that I love and we will be in one place at one time. What an amazingly glorious day that will be....Until then my heart will continue to long for "home".

1000 things to do

I'm back....I promise I'll get around to blogging about Africa, my mind is still processing a bit....and a bit jetlagged! ha!

I have a 1000 things to do and know that I can only start "one step at a time" ( the song by Jordan Sparks which I think may be my theme song for 2009!!)

watch this space! :)