Frustration, Pride and Fear

I get so frustrated when I cannot write what is in my head. My thoughts are thinking it, my subconcious is turning it over and over and keeping me from soundly sleeping, my prayers are even directed towards it. But what IS 'it'?  

About a year ago I stopped being able to truly share what was on my heart in words on a page (especially a blogging page).  I look back over the past few years that I have written and cannot seem to find a time when this has been an issue before so why now.

In part, I believe that God is doing a work in me that I just do not want to share with the world yet.  Sometimes things that are going on in my heart and mind are not quite figured out and I don't want to have to defend them to anyone as I am just figuring out how to defend them in myself.  

Another theory, is that my life just seems mundane.  I am a wandering soul, always looking for the next adventure.  My previous writings have been deep thoughts conjured up on short journeys, or tales of my adventures...and, well, those types of adventures have been rather non-existent in the recent past.  

Then there is the intimidation factor.  I have incredibly creative friends and relatives who write words that I love to drink in, and my words have seemed simply inadequate in comparison -quite probably due to the two afore mentioned reasons.

But reality is, the basis of all three and the truth behind it all is fear and pride.  Such ugly little words, such ugly feelings, and so completely demoralizing.

Fear - What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond?  What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more?  What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane?  What if I am....??

Pride - the irony here is while these thoughts might appear to be "humble" they are really just prideful. Why is there any assumption that my words are more than mere entertainment, and that anyone but those that love me most choose to read them anyway.  Why would any of this have any affect on my worth?   

I remember when I started this blog three years ago and wrote the words " Sometimes I am deep and sometimes I am shallow....either way...I am still me.  I put up words for others to read...if you like them say so...if you don't that is fine too...they are still my words, still my feelings, still me."

So here is my confession, some where along the way I lost the value and meaning behind that statement.  My pride started caring what others thought and in the journey to rediscover me I somehow missed this particular attack of the enemy.  So I am reclaiming those words, I am going to write....my words may be silly and shallow, or I may take on something I am trying to figure out....I am trepidatiously (is that even a word?)  going to put myself back out there.  

Going back to those feelings of fear...those "what ifs?"

What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? Then I will honestly say, this is something I am working through and while I love your input I am not yet ready to defend or debate my thoughts just yet....and they will respect that answer...they are my friends.

What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more?  Then they were never truely friends to begin with and they can go fly a kite! What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane?   Then they will be more of a motivation to step out into the adventure.

What if I am....??  What if I am not?!?

So thoughts, feelings, words on a page....the adventure begins again.  Fear  - still there - but this time prodding me to do better.  Pride - only in the fact that He who began a good work in me is FAITHFUL to complete it. 

Come as a child

There is this man that stole my heart the first time I met him....he was 3!

He has this deep brown eyes, that speak volumes, this quirky "innocent" smile that assures you there is something going on in that brain of his and he is weighing the consequences to see if he should do it or not, and this astounding wisdom that is amazingly distinct and precise and no nonsense for one so young.

We (his family and friends) call him "Fish". You can read more about the "Fish-isms" on my friend K's blog. She is the mom so has the "rights" to the words that come from him. However, I have taken snippet of one of her latest blog to paste here, because it is so Fish and such an example to who we all should be.

He and K were going over some of the lessons he is learning for his upcoming first communion.

"We brought up the idea that we can thank God in our quiet times with Him. I asked Fish if he ever talks to God.
He replied, " Yep, at night when I am trying to go to sleep!"
I then asked him what kinds of things he talks about with God.He replied, "Well... we just play Rock, Paper, Scissors"
...I said, "WHAT?! Ok, Fish, so who wins?"
To which his answer was, "Uh, mom? He does! Remember, He knows my thoughts, so He already knows what I am going to do, so He always wins!""

This was so cute, but rather than just laughter this also brought tears to my eyes. HE gets it. This is such a beautiful example for each of us the verse that talks about having the faith of a child. (Mark 10:15, Luke 18:17) Fish as a child has the faith to know that God already knows, so what does he have to worry about? He sees God as a friend and a Father and trusts and relies on Him fully. My prayer for this little man who captures my heart so often is that these truths that he is so poinantly aware of at this young age will remain with him as he grows up in this world that so often tries to tell us differently.

As for me, that I would work hard to continue my pursuit of childlike faith. Not just the principles of faith that I learned as a child, but the true meaning behind childlike faith....that I would stop trying to control my world, but rather have the faith like a child that God is leading me to through the Holy Spirit. That I would remember as Fish has so sweetly reminded me that "He already knows it...so what do I have to worry about."

Love you Fish....

I love the love....

I have the greatest examples of love in my pastoral family. I love the way the men adore and pursue their women and how the women adore and pursue right back. Don't get me wrong I know that they have their issues...and that every day is not a fairy tale...(I know this because they are open and honest about it!)

I look back over my life at the times I settled for who was right there in front of me. While I don't regret a single relationship I have ever had I can say that I am so thankful that they were only seasons in my life.

I will no longer settle....I know who I am (and I like her in case I haven't mentioned that lately) and what my heart cries out for....

So, Chandlers, Bleekers, Pattersons, Hardins, Lewis(s), Barkers, and the rest of my married pastoral staff....thank you for loving each other and living out that love in example to the rest of us singles. My prayer for each of you daily is that God hedges your families with protection, and that your love for each other grows!

A new day....new mercies

I have a vision poster on my bulletin board...it has words and phrases cut out from magazines and helps me focus in on things that I forget to think about.  I have another one that just has verses of scripture.  

At the top of one of them it says "Who are you today?" Followed by words of truth about myself.   I see this when I first wake up in the morning, and then as I walk into my bathroom I see a sticky note on my mirror that says "Mediocrity or World Change...Your choice - have a great day!"

The verses of scripture that are currently up for me to see (they change from time to time) revolve around faith.  

Hebrews 11:6 - Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those that earnestly seek Him.  

Galatians 5:6 - The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

I John 5:4 - Everyone born of God overcomes the world.  This the victory that has overcome the world even our faith.

Numbers 23:19 - God is not a man that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind.  He has said, and will He not do it?  Or has He spoken, and He will not fulfill it?

II Corinthians 3:16-18 " But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed.  now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom.  And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another.  For this comes from the Lord who is Spirit."

These are words and phrases that I have put around to keep my mind focused on where it should be.  Yet still so often I fail.  So often I still go off into fantasy land thinking, "life would be so much better if", or into the land of worry, "Where will I be tomorrow, where is God taking  me", or into the valley of disgruntlement (not even sure if that is a word but it is for sure a place), "Why am I only this far along in my life, and why do I seem to never get any farther?"

These words...lies...that often fill my head are so dangerous.  Where is the voice of Truth in any of that?  One time a comedian that I enjoy called worry "future-tripping", and said when you go "future tripping" you go to a place that doesn't exist, and God cannot dwell in a place that does not exist.

So, my confession this morning is that I have been future tripping.  I have been wandering in the land of "what if", worrying about tomorrow, focusing on what I cannot control, rather than holding fast and leaning in to the One who is totally in control.  Only He can turn my dreams into reality.  I want to be where He is so that my Joy may increase.  

One of the phrases on my board says "every day brings a chance to start over", on the board with scripture a verse I have says "His mercies are new every morning."  So today, is a chance to start over once again.  To focus my heart on Him.  To put my trust fully in the God of the universe and stop trying to run the universe myself.  Imagine the possibilities!!

A Fantastic Month!

Its been a while since I blogged. Not really for lack of trying…as I have started several blogs and then stopped as the words I was writing simply seemed trite.

I have promised blogs about my time in Africa and England, and I guess I’ll get to those when I finish processing what is mine and what is ok to share with the world of bloggers. But photos can now been seen here.

I think that is how I feel about a lot that is going on in my life right now. For the first time in many many years I like who I am. I am not pretending. I am not trying to be something for someone, or to act a certain way so that I will be liked by a certain group. I am simply myself. I am open, honest (probably to a fault) and unapologetic about myself. I LIKE me! This has been a very long time coming because for so long I tried so hard to please everyone else and not realizing that in the process I was losing parts of me.

I had the very best January I ever remember! In October of last year I started making some changes in my life. I started truly evaluating who I was, what I didn’t like about myself and what I was going to have to do change it. Some of that was written out in blogs along the way, and some was much more private and was just me and God one on one. The process is on going of course and has not been easy.

First, I had to sit down and do some serious evaluating of different relationships in my life…who did I want to be there and who did I not want. Purging oneself of others that weigh you down is not always easy. Why was I spending so much time, effort and emotion on people that were not bringing me more of Him? Was I going to spend my whole life being a rescuer? Or was I finally going to make the choices that needed to be made and be a mentor? This decision while easy enough on paper, was/is very difficult in real life and can be confusing and hurtful for both parties when “friendships” have to come to an end.

However, the happier side of that is I also made some choices about who I wanted to invest my life in! This meant actual planning. Funny how that works. I plan out the rest of my life, everything is on my calendar, even my time with God and my gym time. If I don’t plan for it, it just doesn’t happen. But somehow I was expecting friendships and the investment into them to just happen spontaneously. Phone calls always ended with “We’ve got to get together soon”, but never a plan on when “soon” was…resulting in another 6 months without seeing or spending quality time with each other. So when I returned from my holiday time overseas, I placed a series of phone calls, and put those that I love and desire to see on the calendar. I saw friends that I have been wanting to see for ages, caught up on their lives, laughed and cried, and took pictures!

I also sat down with each of them and put more dates on the calendar so that we already have our next time together planned. This resulted in a fantastic January full of friends and MUCH less time alone on the couch watching TV that will not improve my life one iota!

I also have worked very hard to get procrastination out of my life. I found a quote that said that “procrastination is a way for us to be satisfied with second-rate results.” What a wake up call! I procrastinate about silly things…the water bottles on my desk, in my car, and around my apartment are very good examples of this. Drink the water or use it for another purpose; do not leave it sitting for days on end. This should not be hard. But it is the little things that lead to the bigger things and so habits of procrastination are born and raised up strong. So I started making myself do things like “take my jacket out of my car and upstairs and hang it in the closet” AMAZING – car is cleaner and so is apartment. (and jacket is much easier to locate it when I need it). January became a much more discipline and organized month!

One other thing that I did that was different and fun for me this year was I spent my birthday money on what I wanted rather than on bills. I am really bad at spending money on myself. I just always think it will be so much better for my bottom line of school loans, etc if I put the money towards that. This has held true for years, but this year I had genuine wants/needs and that extra money came to good use! I finally bought the George Foreman Grill that I wanted …I am very much in love with it!

Plus after several trips to Ikea (where God blessed me with some GREAT sales) I am proud/happy to say my apartment finally looks more like a place where someone lives rather than a temporary dwelling.

January was indeed great! I am looking forward to a fantastic year, continual self discovery with God’s help, and spending lots and lots of time with those that I love!!!

A new president

I was reading Beth Moore's blog this morning and it so shared my heart feelings right now that I thought I would copy it.

"I can't think of anything more appropriate and more Biblical than reserving this day on our blog for heart-felt prayers for our new president and his family. You are welcome to write your genuine words of intercession as a comment to this post just as you'd lift them before the Throne of Grace for President and Mrs. Obama and their two precious daughters. Today it makes no difference how anyone voted. God in His sovereignty has appointed this day and our new president needs our prayers. "This is good, and pleases God our Savior." 1 Timothy 2:1-3."

I am also spending time in prayer for the Bush's today. How bittersweet this day must be for them. Again no matter what your politics or how you chose to vote, He and Laura served this country for 8 years. A job I would not want that is for sure! For the sacrifices and leadership of a great man I am thankful.

Where is home?

I'm back....home. After being....home.

I looked forward to Africa with MUCH excitement! When I booked the tickets in July, I literally drove my office crazy with the announcement every hour, and stopped just short of turning cartwheels in the halls!

As time wore on, my excitement did not dwindle, but was put to the side as responsibility took over, work piled on and the normal every day demands of life weedled their way back in. The last two weeks before I got on the plane were a flurry of last minute shopping, wrapping up projects, preparing both work and home for my three week absence, and trying to see everyone that needed to be seen before I left, as well as holiday festivities and the normal every day demands of life.

People kept asking "Aren't you so excited?" To which my reply was "I am sure I will be..I just have to get this done!"

I got on the plane on December 17th, knowing that my parents were on the other side of the water waiting for me to disembark. I rested my head on the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I was going to miss several gatherings of friends, 4 church services (including a candlelight service that I LOVE to be a part of), my aunt's house in North Carolina, and countless other little things that make up Christmas when I am "home".

The tears quickly went away however, in the anticipation of seeing my family.

After a 10 hour layover in London, where I found out that Big Ben is not as big as I thought it was and that the Prime Minster has a much prettier tree than Buckingham Palace,(more on this day later) I was once again on a plane and bound for "home".

I breezed through customs having nothing to declare but that I was so glad to be back in Africa! I saw my dad at first glance and rushed into the arms of my mother! What joy! I was home!

We made our way through Johannesburg and down the highway to the border and across. We drove up the driveway and I walked into my parent's house.

Our time together was lovely and my next post I'll write about our time at the game reserve and the magnificence that is seeing animals in the creation that God made for them.

I enjoyed every moment with my mom and dad. We laughed, cried, prayed, watched lots of Monk, sang and even danced together. My time spent with my brothers was sweet, and I had the pleasure of meeting their friends and getting to know them better.

But as the days went by rather than longing to stay, my heart was longing for "home". 

Soon the day came that I was to get back on the plane.  As mentioned in previous blog, the gravitational pull once again separated my heart leaving half of it in the red soils of Africa.  I rested my head on the back of the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I wanted so badly to stay, yet I wanted so badly to go. 

I landed in the US after a brief few days in London (again more on this later), and after breezing through customs because I had nothing to declare except that I was glad to be back in the United States.....I was "home".

WHERE IS THIS HOME?????

My heart cries out for the land of Africa. As was written in a past blog it is only there that my heart feels completely whole. But then when I am there, my mind and soul dwell on what is going on in Dallas, and grieves that I am not there.  This is the conundrum of third culture kids from Abraham's time until now.  This is who we are, no matter where we are we are always on the wrong side of the planet.  As Monk would say, "it is a blessing, AND a curse."   

I am looking forward to the day when we are all HOME!  When I can sit at the feet of Jesus surrounded by all that I love and we will be in one place at one time. What an amazingly glorious day that will be....Until then my heart will continue to long for "home".

1000 things to do

I'm back....I promise I'll get around to blogging about Africa, my mind is still processing a bit....and a bit jetlagged! ha!

I have a 1000 things to do and know that I can only start "one step at a time" ( the song by Jordan Sparks which I think may be my theme song for 2009!!)

watch this space! :)

Words fail me

How is it that I can sit in a place of awe inspiring beauty, with writer's block?  I guess I am still processing and pondering.  Look out world when this block moves...

So much....

I have started 4 different blogs and they are all in some form or another unfinished.  Maybe they will get published, maybe not.  There is so much in me right now that wants to come out, to be shared, but for now I am just keeping it close.  I am not sure why.  Pride, fear, judgement....desire for my words to be articulate or "read worthy".  I don't know...but what is in me will not quite come out.  It just hovers on the tip of my brain.

I heard something good today from a friend of mine.  She got it from Psalm 139.  She said, Don't worry about your future because to God it is history.  This has deeply pierced me as my fear of the unknown is somehow trying to rear its ugly head.

The covenant promises of God are so true, so faithful, who am I to fear?  He holds tomorrow and is already there.  That is a good word.

38 more years

When I first moved to Dallas finding a place of worship was an interesting process. First of all, I live in the Bible belt....throw a rock and hit 3 buildings with the word "church" on the side.

Secondly, I have friends serving in churches all over Dallas, so learning about one, or going someplace with "familiar faces" would not be hard. But I did not really want just another building to walk in on a Sunday morning, I was tired of the same old thing, where you showed up for the same song and dance (well depending on the church), and then left for lunch with a "warm, fuzzy" feeling and a life really not changed at all.  I was tired of this search.  I was tired of the "hobby" of church, the thing I did on the weekends.  Really if that was all it was, why was I even bothering?  I wanted a place where I was surrounded by thinkers...I wanted someone to challenge the very core of me and make me think again...I wanted a place where the church was so much more than the building and where traditional moralism was mocked and non-existent....I wanted a place where when I walked through the door I knew that the Spirit of the Living God dwelt there and was going to show up and get some stuff done.   I wanted a pastor who was not all about himself, who thought outside of the proverbial box and who gave me meat to chew on for weeks at a time. I wanted a place where when I walked in the door my heart took root, there were places of service that I could use my gifts given by God, and though I did not know the term at the time, I wanted a place where I could find community.

For all that I did know, what I did not know was that this place even existed.  I thought perhaps it was some fantasy conjured up in my mind.  Some mythical place where my heart longed to dwell, and I would not see this side of heaven.  To be incredibly honest I did not really trust this God that I claimed to worship and serve to provide such a place to fill my heart.

For the first few months I visited quite a few churches. Again, I live in the Bible belt, so one or two on every corner...not hard to find.  Some were OK, some were fantastic, some I walked in and walk right back out! But everywhere I went just didn't have the right food if you will. I left hungry in most places and starving in others. This was not because the meat was not there but it wasn't meat that was filling my soul.  At one point I really just thought about chucking it all and sleeping in.

I had some friends at this church that was tucked away in the corner of a residential area on the Lewisville/Flower mound border. By "some friends", I mean that if I went to the right service I could skip going to homecoming at Hardin-Simmons! I went to school with the pastor, and a couple of staff members, some of the lay leaders and, at the service I attended one week, a large part of the congregation. I fought going there for the longest time because of pride. I didn't want everyone to think I was just going there because I was following the pastor, or because everyone else went to this popular place. I kept telling God over and over that I just didn't want to go there.

One night I'd just had enough. I was so hungry for Truth, for pure worship, for challenging thinking and I knew if I went there I would get fed, I was so tired of searching for a place to call home, and even though I "knew" this wasn't it I said "I'm just going to go get fed tonight then I'll find where God wants me to be next week." Does anyone else see the skewed logic of that statement? I mean really??????   It was like I was going to go get some steak where steak would always be available, but tomorrow I'd go find the place where I could always get bread and water....

I drove in late (because I didn't want to see anyone I knew) and snuck in the back while the lights were down for the musical worship part of the service.  I thought I was going to get away with sneaking in....but of course, by Divine Providence, there, leaning against the back wall was the pastor.  He looked over at me with no hint of surprise that I had just come walking through the doors.... I hadn't seen him in about 3 1/2 years..... and he opened his arms to give me a hug said "Welcome home, Amanda".  I am pretty sure he doesn't remember saying that, or have any idea the impact those three words would have on my life. It was like God slammed into my heart what I had for some reason been trying to keep out for 4 months....this was where He wanted me to be, to call "home", to serve, to be challenged, to feast, to have community, and to live life.

I sat on the back row and wept the entire service. I was "home".

That was two years ago.   I am more in love than ever with my church home. I have the amazing opportunity to serve in several different capacities, I have the honor of leading the most amazing girls on the planet who teach me far more than I could teach them, I have the joy of being part of a powerful intercessory ministry, and I have more community than I could ever hope to repay! 

My life has been changed and is continuing to change as I begin to understand sanctification for the first time,  as I learn how to think for myself and ask the challenging questions of my soul, as I have freedom to wrestle with God and the areas of life that have never quite fit in the traditional mold that I was brought up in.  

My spirit rejoices as I am surrounded by people who love me, and who continually pour into me the truth that is ok to not be ok, it is just not ok to stay there. I have the unbelievable blessing of being led by a staff and elders that are real and humble and honest when they fail, that explain their struggles.  Pastors that at one time walked in darkness as agnostics and continue to question all that God is and does, yet their faith pervades through those questionings and leads back to the throne of Grace.

My pastor always says that we are going to do the next 40 years together....well I have 2 down...38 more to go. 

Random thots

#1. I looked at my beside table in my clean room last night and saw 4 water bottles in some stage of fullness or lack thereof. I will finish all of these, but seem to have the need to keep several open at the same time...why is this?

#2. I was working the product table at the Michael W. Smith concert last night and this guy walks up and we make eye contact that says "we know each other". So I walk over, and I say, "I HAVE to know who you are" to which he replies "you do, huh? why?" I said, "well for one thing I have seen you at ever concert I have been at this year and you look so familiar". THEN something else clicked into my brain..."OH, AND you are friends with Stan Whitmire!" To which his look of skeptical questioning turned to a wondering demeanor...and he says "yes I am". So he offers a hand for shaking and says "I am Craig O'dell". FLASH! I say "WAIT! Are you related to Julie O'Dell?" "yes" "Did you go to BBC?" (insert look of incredulity here) "YES!" "Craig we were in school together, I am Amanda Workman!" "WHAT! Yes I recognize you now! That is so hilarious...." follow up conversation where are you, what are you doing, exchange of phone numbers, blah blah....
Once again my world, tiny.

#3. I saw an opossum walking across the parking lot when I pulled into work today. This of course made me think of my brother Derek.

#4. an addition to this blog ....Melinda Doolittle's voice.

#5. an addition to this blog ....point to ponder "Do my relationships bring me more of Him? If not, does that person belong in my life? If so, how do I get more of that person in my life?"

#6. I hate the song "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and would like to NOT thank my mother for putting it in my head.

#7. I leave you with a photo of my girl, Melinda, and I being silly last night!

24 days and counting....

Tonight was the season premier of 24...as I have never seen an episode...I sadly did not care as much as the rest of my friends.

But today 24 is a huge number.  It is the number of days till I feel the gravitational pull from the tarmac of Dallas, TX, and begin the journey to the place that my heart equates with "home".  

The dark continent.  Deepest darkest Africa.

Just the thought of being there makes my soul yearn....yet there is also a pulling back from that yearning. 

As the plane hits the tarmac in Africa, and the pilot slams on the brakes....the piece of my heart that dwells there slams back into my chest.  I feel a wholeness I never quite feel anywhere else on the planet.  I step off the plane and breath deeply the rugged, dirty, and pungent smells of a continent that is still yet untamed.  I close my eyes and memories of the happiest days of my life come flooding back and the desire to make a thousand more surges through me.  

These feelings will last as I spend time with my family and meet the people that they hold dear.  They will pierce my soul as I worship among African believers and make new friends that I may only see on the other side of heaven.  And they will make me tear up in awe as I try to capture a glimpse of his majestic creatures through the viewfinder.  But I am whole for a short time...till once again I take my last breath of African night air, till the wheels once again come off the ground, the earth fades beneath and Africa once again claims from within me what is rightfully hers.  My tears will flow as they are now, and my soul will long for the day when upon His return I can be with all I love, in one place at one time.

24 days and counting........

Most hilarious things I heard this week...

"Excuse me Jr. High called and wants its drama back" - JMF

"Amanda, I've thought about it and I am physically incapable of getting up and letting you take my photo"  - my boss  this was followed by "You are a mean assistant" When I made her get up and let me take her headshot anyway!

"You looked like a cross between a fish and a seal" - said by my friend Penny after a demonstration of how my mom sucks in all the air in the car when she thinks we are going to crash with the car that is 100 miles in front of us!  At this point, mom's vicious inhale would have been relevant though, because we were laughing so hard I could just barely see the road.

"Are you thinking what I am thinking?...."I don't know are you thinking 'holy crap holy crap a swordfish almost impaled my head?' if so then yes"   - Get Smart

Laughter...so the best medicine in life!

Things on my desk

So my blogs have had a bit of depth to them lately, and this will not be one of those I assure you.....

I was looking around my desk while sitting here at work and realized the odd assortment of things that are on it. How exactly does one collect this stuff and why is it so difficult to get rid of it to just have a clean desk.

Things on my desk:

• Two empty water bottles (ok I just recycled those I feel better now)


• Two stress balls, that I never use (perhaps the reason for my hypertension)


• A wooden box with nothing in it


• A fake lemon that sits on a marble block that says "when life gives you lemons...." (can someone finish this thought please?????)


• next to the lemon...a freakish highlighter man with green shoes and orange and white feather hair sticking out of a plastic ball with a face. (he doesn't even have a name, maybe it would be better if he had a name...nameless highlighter guy...yeah, no)
  
• A boyds bear dressed as a bumble bee sitting in a basket that says "bee happy!" (I think he actually belongs to my mom and have no idea how he got to work with me....)


• A Sponge-Bob Square Pants etch-a-sketch (again where did this come from and how did it get to work with me...)


• Dark chocolate from Paris (the city in France, not Hilton)


• Dice (two sets - one normal every day, and one in fancy leather)


• My name written in chinese (incorrectly I might add...since it looks nothing like my name looks in all the other versions of chinese that I have it in)


• There is a fan under my desk, and a pair of shoes from this summer (why?)


• I have a pink radio clock that does not have the correct time on it at all....not because it doesn't keep time, but because I have never set it correctly....(I will do this now)


• A huge vase with two leaves in it, trying desperately to take root.


• Photos in frames - me with brothers, my family, a waterfall, railroad tracks


• Photos not in frames - Alex Modesitt (friend's son with cancer), Cousin Zach's football pic, pic of me and Brittany (MK director), Paddington in Glenrose


• Random things on wall: buttons with photos of me and Jeff, Shana, Vera and Darlene from work parties....and one letting the world know "I survived sinister sessions 2008 - Transfatsylvania"


• a wire girraffe


• a lamp - with a beaded necklace


• a paper bracelet made by my boss's daughter


• business card sized "words of inspiration"

This is just the random stuff and does not include the things that help me work and get my job done, ie. phone, cup full of pens, computer, file folders, etc.

I think it is time to declutter....

Rescuers vs Mentors

Last night I was sitting with a group of friends that over this past year and half I have grown to know and love and have the honor of calling "friends."  As we laughed and talked and shared life together...I realized that for the first time in a very long time I have healthy friendships!

I have friendships where I am safe to laugh and cry and share my heart and my fears and joys and dreams and every single one of those things are either shared, calmed or supported!  How incredibly blessed am I?  THIS is what it means to "do life together."

You see for years I was in the "fixing" game.  Not really by conscious choice, but it just seemed that I got sucked in to helping everyone else and not ever having the opportunity to have time for me.   Then about a year and half ago I heard a very wise man say "Rescuers attract victims, and Mentors attract survivors" who do you want to be?  Wow, wow, WOW!!!  This statement while seemingly so simple took me a while to process, to understand exactly what it mean and what it looked like. 

I began to take stock of all of my friendships and realized that the people that completely sucked the life out of me without ever giving back and when I was emotionally finished moved on to others they could latch onto for similar purposes....far outweighed the friendships that I truly enjoyed.  The ones I truly enjoyed were full of laughter and some tears, there were times of struggle, but struggles were shared and when I was there for them, they turned around and were there for me right back.  These same people enrich my life and make me want to pursue my hopes and dreams knowing that we are going to realize our dreams together.  They pursue my heart, and I get to pursue theirs right back.  They are not in the friendship to see what emotional baggage they can unload on me before moving on, rather we bear each others burdens.

So after taking stock of this...I made a silent decision and began to edge out those who were simply victims of life.  Those who chose to wallow in their self pity and did not do anything recommended to them to get out of their present circumstance no longer were going to get a place in my life.  No more late night phone calls to cry to me about all the things they were "struggling" with only to in the same breath explain why it was they were not going to do anything to change their current situation.  No more dragging their dead weight along; trying my best to believe in them when they were choosing not believe in themselves.

This decision was not easy and meant having to say 'we can't be friends anymore' to several people in my life. 

I, of course, was called all sorts of things for this, selfish, self righteous, judgmental and legalistic...all of the words that they knew would wound were the ones they chose to use.  I was blamed for our friendship being the way it was and in one case even told that we weren't as close as I thought we were.  (Funny how close we were every time this person needed me in the middle of a crisis.)  I only wish they understood the pain it took to purge them from my life.    Recently a couple have tried to come back, and within the first phone call were already right back to being victims.  To you I say...um, No thank you!

Unfortunately for me, this process is not over  yet.   I have a couple of others that are proving to walk the victim road.  They call only when they need something, and are not there when I in turn might need them.  There is never a time where in we can celebrate life together because they are too busy wallowing in why they are victims of circumstances that they can control.  Choosing to not be there for them is hard for me. Instinct wants too, but wisdom finally outweighs that, knowing that neither they nor I will be better for my intervening once again.  When they choose to change their life circumstance by making the decisions they know to be right and begin to walk as survivors rather than victims....I will happily call them friend again.  However, I am not sure that time will ever come, and when it does I will no longer be needed. 

This past year, on more than one occasion I also heard something that I have found too be true...you are most like the 5 people with whom you choose to surround yourself.  These words are so so so true.  I once walked as a victim of circumstances I could control.  I chose to stare in the face of wisdom and make the choices I knew in my heart to be wrong.  

However, I decided with God's help to change that status quo...I AM a survivor.  I, like everyone else I know, have suffered hurtful words, cruelty at the hands of those who should love me most, I've had disagreements with family, and have had broken relationships, I have made choices that were wrong and have suffered the consequences for them even when I did not feel it was "fair".  In the midst of that, I choose to hold my head up with pride, put on a smile, ask for help when I struggle with sadness and feelings that overwhelm... and then take that help and follow the recommendations made for healing.  I choose to forgive those that have hurt me most, including myself, rather than fall victim to bitterness that only consumes and harms the one harboring it.

I want to surround myself with these same people.  I want to be surrounded by mentally stable, loving, God fearing people who have dreams, who pursue those dreams passionately, who know that is perfectly ok to not be ok, but it is not ok to stay there.  As I looked around the table last night, I saw those people.  I saw people who loved themselves, not in a prideful way, but in a healthy one....they loved themselves enough to in turn share that love with me.  We laughed about silly things and were comfortable in each other's presence.    Tonight, we will all head over to the Village Church, the place we have the joy of calling "home".  We will have the honor of worshiping together the great God and King who sacrificed so that we might have this amazing life.   I look forward to however long God gives me to doing life with these people.  They are my mentors and I want to be theirs in return.

Things that move me

My Pastor recently wrote about things that inspire him and how they have changed over the years. I read it thought it was nice and moved on...or so I thought...

My subconscious must have taken up the string of thought and began to work out the things that inspire me and how my life has been changed and affected by them. The past couple of days, the information gathered has slowly made its way back to the forefront of my mind.

So here are things that move and inspire me....not a completely comprehensive list...but a start.
..... Seeing anyone come to Christ and their world turned upside down uncontrollably by the gospel.
.... Realizing that my Savior did not just die for the middle class white republican man, he died for the poverty stricken and the wealthy, the derelict that society gives up on, just as much as he died for the Mother Teresas and Billy Grahams of the world. What HOPE!
.... A song that "makes my DNA remember Eden and my Heart long for HOME."
....The pure laughter of good friends...the kind that makes your stomach hurt for hours afterwards!
....Those that love their God so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives, the comforts of the suburbs and time away from their family to serve Him.
....Those that love their nation so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives and time away from their family to serve it.
....Church leadership that preach the gospel not traditional moral retoric, and who live out what they preach. Who are willing to go and sacrifice time away from those they love to further the message of the Father they Love!
....Friends that are aware of the sinful depravity of my soul and make the choice to love me anyway.
....The purity of a child's laughter
....Beauty that can be captured within a viewfinder.
....The face of an African baby
....a cool, quiet morning on the patio with a rich cup of coffee
....a full moon
....the roar of the ocean
....that moment just before dawn when the birds first wake up and start to stir

What stirs your affections for Him?

Interesting Day

I am always humbled and amazed by how much God chooses to love me. I have a friend who does not believe that God cares about the "little things." He believes that we were created (by evolution) and then placed on earth and into orbit and God only should be "bothered" by the big things.
Praise the Lord my life is contrary proof of this thought process! What an amazing week this has been! Last Sunday I blogged saying I was packing. Well three days later I was still packing. Why is it that you get this incredible amount of packing done and then sometime in the wee small hours of the morning while you are fast asleep, little elves creep out and take things out of boxes...and create never ending piles of stuff! People I do not have that much stuff, i just couldn't seem to get it all in the box. I also love how packing starts out very organized. Books go in book boxes, lamps go in lamp boxes, all the kitchen goes in a box, then all of the bathroom stuff in a bathroom box, however, by the end of the packing you have boxes with mustard and ketchup in with curtain rods! All sorts of spiritual examples spring to mind with this!

Moving day came on Tuesday, and even though Lisa and I had stayed up till late in the night there was STILL packing to be done. One of those "little details" that God is so good at comes into play here. My sweet former roommate Lisa, (we have only been apart 5 days it is miserable), works for a moving company, and because they were already moving her for free (all the way to Austin. sad.) They offered to load up my stuff and move it across town for free too! What a blessing! We got boxes for free and movers for free. God certainly took care of those tiny details.
Some other details I'll show you later with photos of my new place, but this apartment fulfills not only my basic need for shelter, but my some of my selfish little wants that bring me joy as well.

Other things that were happening on Tuesday....In Mary Kay, I had the production finished, but needed two more of my 6 team members active to be on target for the first level of car! I had been working towards this goal all month long, and the production had been done for weeks. My director had done interview after interview, I had new team members, but only 3 of them were in active status at the time. I woke up on Tuesday, knowing that I absolutely could not think about it. I prayed as I got up and gave it over to the Lord, if it was going to be done, He was going to have to do it. One of my team members called as I was waiting at my new place for my AT&T guy to get the internet installed and needed to get an order placed and wanted some advice on holiday gifts. I was able to talk her through that and sure enough, she placed her order and was active. Praise the Lord! Only one more was needed......

Before I could even give thought to that, the next moment Lisa called and said she couldn't find picasso (my cat) anywhere.
I left the AT&T guy at the house and off I drove back to the old apartment. We searched for 5 hours, but no kitty to be found. Finally we had to leave...both of us were so tired and sore and depressed we were leaving each other. Lisa compared it to the last episode of Friends where they turn out the lights in Monica's apartment for the last time. We stood at our island were we'd had so many conversations, most of our meals, laughed, cried, discussed life, God and boys, and we prayed with each other. Thanking God for the year and a half we had lived in that place, for the laughter and the tears, for the lack of even one argument, for the provision of unexpected needs, and provision of desired wants, for warm beds and shelter when so many don't have that security. We thanked him for letting us find each other, bring us together as roommates and building a lasting friendship between us. We also prayed for the people that would live there next. I don't know who they are, but I hope they find Jesus in that place, or if they already know Him..grow deeper with Him. We cried a moment longer and prayed for Picasso, and then left.

As I pulled into the parking garage of my new apartment building, I got a phone call...one of my team members called to say that she decided to come back active in her business and with that phone call at 10 pm...I was officially done with month one tracking for my 1st free car! I just sat exhausted and overwhelmed in my car and cried!

Picasso was found on Friday, after an exhaustive search. My friend, B, was walking her dog and found him just hanging out at the Lofts across the street! He was unharmed, quite a bit hungry, and has now taken over his rightful control of the new apartment.

God is in the details, he cares about the small things. Why did Picasso get lost, why did I have to wait till the very last second to wrap up month one car production...why did we have to go through that stress? I don't know, but I know that my faith is stronger today because of it. Mark Lowry says, that God shows up in the interruptions of our plans. We think we have things all figured out and that we know exactly which direction we are going in and how we are going to get there. Then God shows up and says, "Sweet child, I have such a better way. You may not like the direction at 1st, but if you don't resist, and you walk the path I have drawn up for you, you will have "joy unspeakable and full of glory".

I am packing today. I move from this apartment home of a year and a half to a new one that will be all my own. Why when there is change do many of the old doubts and fears come to surface? Perhaps a stirring up of dust, an unsettling of what longs to just be settled and stay put.

I am struggling with the "be still and know". It is so hard for be to "be still", even harder somehow to have the faith to "know". Which brings to be the question...Why when He has proven faithful time and again do we continue to struggle with the things we know to be truth? He has proven faithful time and again with my finances and yet, as I sit here typing somewhere my subconscious brain takes over and I worry about things that are financially completely out of my control.

I suppose my moving every couple of years is actually stereotypical for a TCK. I suppose, it is something that must be done. To rummage through what is in my closet and evaluate if I need things I haven't used in years. To rid myself of things that simply weigh me down and hold me back. To start fresh in a new place, new smells, new sights, new sounds, new ways to see Jesus in the little things.

I am so in shock and awe right now I don't have words

This from the associate press:
PETA asks Ben & Jerry's to use breast milk

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Ice cream made from breast milk? That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to consider making.

The Virginia-based nonprofit group sent a letter to company co-founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday asking them to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk in their products.

PETA said the health of consumers and cows would benefit from the switch.

Ben & Jerry's spokesman Rob Michalak said the company applauds PETA's creative approach to bring attention to an issue, but believes that a mother's milk is best used by a child.


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Yes please, lets hook up HUMANS to machines, rather than allow those poor pitiful COWS to suffer any more indignaty! WHAT! There are so many words that are not appropriate for me to be thinking right now, much less put on a blog! Flaming Weirdos!