Rainbow's & Dreams

Lately there is this fun trend in baking - creating colorful food!

This morning I decided I'd give it a try. Apparently my muffin pan really belonged to my former roommate, but that didn't stop me - I decided to try making rainbow mini-bundt cakes. As I got started I thought it would be fun to photograph every moment of the production - mostly a reason to play with my new lighting and my lovely camera. Below you will find the results of both the cooking and the photography.


These are most of the supplies needed. I realized after I'd dismantled this setup that I'd forgotten to include measuring spoons and my liquid measure. But here are the supplies just the same.

Mix of dry ingredients.


Cracking the egg. (This shot was very well timed and done without a tripod)


Mix of wet ingredients.



Mix it all together!


Separate into smaller bowls & add color.


Spoon the colors one at a time into the pans. I took a toothpick and just ran it in a couple different directions with one of them to see what the effect would be.


15 minutes in a pre-heated to 350 degree oven. I waited while knocking out a chapter and a cup of coffee on my pre-heated 90 degree patio.



Checking on them in the oven.



And Voila! you can see the funky toothpick designed one on the upper right hand corner. and then one cut so you can see all the fun pretty colors.



I took all of the remaining batter and made a normal sized "mini" bundt cake.

So these were pretty good for a first attempt, but I didn't really care for the batter recipe. So, I'm going to pull out my trusty yummy cake recipe and try again....stay tuned.

I pray for you when I run....

I pray for you when I run -
For Grace to believe
For Hope set free
For Joy to be found
For Mercy received
For Lies to be bound
For Dreams fulfilled
For Pain dispelled
For Wounds yet healed
For Truth to be known
For Prodigal's return
For Faith for all.

I pray for you when I run
And as I do, I pray for me.

If trinkets could talk....

I've spent the past few lunch hours and after work hours...wandering in and out of some fun antique & consignment shops.

I worked for an amazing decorator in college - one of my many jobs to work my way through school - I still came out in debt...but I digress.

So this decorator used to take me to all of these little junk shops, consignment stores and antique stores (pronounced Ant - y - q by me when a child, much to my mom's dismay)....and we would find all sorts of fun treasures to decorate people's homes...and mine.

Somewhere in the past few years I got out of the habit...but Iiiiii'mmmmm baaaaaaaaaack! :-)

I love to walk around in these stores and look at pretty things without the need to take them home. I think up fun stories about the people that used to own them and try to imagine the houses they were in and the fun previous lives they had. Oh, if bobbles and trinkets could talk...what stories they would tell....

My findings over the past few days....

Some beautiful vintage fabrics - stayed on the shelf I have no place to store them and no project in mind at this moment...but I know where they are!

Pretty little tray of broaches (what an awful word for such pretty baubles - seriously! put a "b" in front of "roach" and what instantly comes to mind...."pretty pins!")

I REALLY want to know the story behind this!! You KNOW it has a story!


This was the most amazing find! I LOVE getting mail...I don't get much personal mail anymore...but remember when checking the mail meant potential of finding a letter from a sweet friend or two. This would make the coolest cabinet ever! Oh to have the $2000 to purchase it....anyone want to donate to a great cause?


If you need a brand new coffee maker..I know where you can find a couple.


I couldn't resist sneaking a pic of this little girl who enjoyed flipping through some books while her mama shopped, she was so intent on each book - yet was definitely too young to be reading them. I hope she grows up to read and maybe even write books of her own....


A grown up reading nook....amazing collection of books...I'll be back to browse and buy.


My take home prize...a pretty basket big enough to hold all of my yarns...so many projects so little time....in fact...I'm off to work on one now.
ta ta

My Happy Place

This was my day.... get into work - realize I have put the wrong call in number on my committee call. IMMEDIATELY send out a correction and call everyone to make sure they got the number...super hungry but also need to run errands...so decided to do both at target. Fill up my basket and realize I don't have my wallet. UGH!! Come back to eat my now warm yogurt....then my chairman of my committee doesn't get on because he didn't get the message that the number was wrong!!! So..........
I decided to go to my happy place....looking at photographs I or others have taken that take me to another world! I've decided to share a few...may they take you to a happy place of your own.

Two forms of transpo

I'd like to own both of these one day.....

This looks like such a fun motorcyle. I don't think they are really meant for the city, but I'd love to own one and drive the country roads one day.

and I need a new bike. I haven't owned one in a while and I really miss riding it!

Clever words....

I want to write clever words, and thoughts to entertain.
I want to write of some fun find, or some sweet love gained.
Instead a battle seems to rage, a struggle for my mind;
Of negative and angry thoughts, or more of the sad kind.

I lift my eyes up to the hills, hoping my Help to see.
But clouds cover the mountain top and a dense fog covers me.
I beg to trust through endless doubt, believe in Truth that's near;
I plead for guidance and for Faith though the way unclear.

I want to say cute words and quips; to make you smile and laugh.
But instead tonight I can simply pray and keep stumbling up the Path.

Learning new things

I have found that in the past few years I have been remiss about learning new things. I used to love to learn new things, yet somehow I just stopped. I got jealous of the things that others could do but somehow did not feel that I could accomplish new things on my own. As one goes back and reads about my past few years and the struggles within - I think this lack of interest simply falls in with the person I was that I didn't like.

So - I've started changing that. I had a roommate who I personally think is brilliant, and I was constantly going to him and asking questions...How do I do this? How do I do that? He loved me enough to finally start answering "google.com"
Because of this ever frustrating answer, I've learned that google is my friend and my favorite words to start a google search "How To". Two little magic words that open up so many fun things to learn.
"How to strengthen your fingers to play guitar", "How to play G/F#m",
(now if I could find "how to create calluses painlessly" - ouch!)

"How to make a banner using Gimp software on a Mac",
(I made this)

"How to do a treble crochet stitch"
(I'm making this for a friend)

....those are just the one's I've done in the past two hours.
I'm learning again...and loving it!

And now I am going to learn to go to bed before midnight!! I'm out people....


P.s. what do you think of my new banner....

There's a longing in my heart....

*Author's note: I started writing this on May 8, 2010. It has taken me 9 days to write it, because these women in my life were so incredible, so powerful, and so amazing, that emotion kept taking over and I had to pause to honor each one.

It's May the 8th. This year marks the 15th anniversary of the day I touched down on US soil to make it "home". I'd said goodbye to the place that held my heart. I'd packed up what I wanted to bring with me - given away the rest. I walked out of my little pink and white bedroom, drove away from my sweet house and dogs, tears poured down my face as I drove away from all my heart had known and loved for all the memories of my life.
There is a longing in my heart for that place. It never really goes away. The curse of being a Third Culture Kid. Where you love is most often a continent or an ocean away from where you are.
In Africa they say it takes a village to raise a child - I definitely had an amazing village. So today, on this 15th anniversary - and the day before Mother's day - I'd like to honor the mom's of the "village" of Eldoret.
My own mom, Pam Workman, it was the sensitivity to the Lord's calling on your heart at the tender age of 7 that put us in Africa in the first place. Thank you for your obedience to that calling. Thank you for loving me, for homeschooling me, for showing me the world through your eyes. Thank you for passionately loving Jesus, and for loving my dad. You are an example I can only hope to live up to; you are my hero. (there is a blog I wrote about her a few years ago - here - it all still applies.)
The rest of these women listed are not listed in a particular order - just as they come to mind today.
The mom's of the Church of Christ team.
Beth Cox, you are my first memory of this team. You loved me, and patiently taught me so much. I was so young and you were so loving. I remember our first furlough home, I was asked who my friends were, I told them my "best friend" was a CofC missionary lady - that went over well with our Baptist family I assure you. It taught me that differences didn't matter as long as we loved Christ. You taught me how to bake brownies from scratch, how to love children well, you let me love yours...the day you left Eldoret it broke my heart. So thankful that God moved in such a way that I still get to know who you are. Your children are beautiful and marvelous and I know they rise up and call you blessed.
Holly Conway, one of the sweetest women I have ever known. You, too, spent hours of time with me for no reason other than to pour into my life. You helped me plan my mom's surprise party for her 40th birthday. I remember we all went to tea at your house and you said "Today is a day of thanksgiving, and today we are thankful for Pam." You then lead everyone in going around and saying why they were thankful. Such a beautiful example - I've remembered that example for years and use it to honor friends in my own life. I love your boys...am happy to have Andrew as my friend and am so proud of him and his time at ACU...he is a reflection of your heart and love for Jesus.
Claudia Greek, you patiently and lovingly taught me how to sew and how to sign. I still do both occasionally. Your tender heart towards the world was such a loving example of how to see people. You saw the potential in everyone and I loved that about you. Your girls are beautiful...I am grateful that they are still in my life!
Donna Meeks, you always laughed with me. You saw joy in everything and you taught me how to do so as well. The sweet ways you loved Africans was so beautiful to me. Even now that is a memory I hold in my heart. Your children are incredible! What stunning young men and women they have and are growing up to be.
The other women of the Church of Christ team - you trusted me to babysit your children at such a young age....I adore each of them and am so thankful for the pouring of your lives into mine.
Deborah Williams - you ever so patiently taught me to "tickle the ivories." I cannot imagine the crowns of jewels that you earned while trying to teach me. Thank you! My heart and love of music is heavily influenced by you.
Trisha Nygaard, I still think of you every time I say the word "Bizarre". You taught me to laugh and love and that life was an adventure to be had. I remember when Brent was born, it was the first time I remember bursting into awestruck tears at the sight of a newborn. You laughed and cried with me and told me that was how it felt when babies were born. You loved me enough to let me experience that and make sure I knew it was okay to cry. Memories of you bring me so much joy.
Patty Bogart, you are some of my earliest memories. You always encouraged every imagination that Kim and I had. You taught me at a very young age to dream big dreams because of that encouragement. Thank you...that influences my life today.
Phyllis Stirewalt - you also are many of my earliest memories of Eldoret! I have experienced so much laughter with your sweet girls! I adore all of them, and am so glad we are still friends to this day!! I still randomly say "Well, floozy I guess!" It still makes me laugh out loud even if no one else gets it or thinks it is funny! Thank you for raising wonderful children.
Ms. Linda - You moved to town and brought me the friendship of your daughters. Your carefree and easy going manner always made me feel welcome and a part of your home. You laughed with us and quietly guided us away from the dangerous routes teenagers can take without us even knowing it till we looked back. You always listened and never judged. Thank you for loving us enough to do that. Your daughters are tremendous and I am so glad to call them friends.
Mama Rhoda - my mother's sweet friend - and my sweet African grandma. Your sweet spirit and easy laughter made my life one absolutely full of joy and light! Your love for Jesus in spite of all of your hardships was my first examples of living out the suffering spoken of in the gospel. Your "nothing can stand against me," go getter attitude taught me that nothing can stand in the way of my dreams.
Mama Jela - you are in the sweet presence of the Jesus tonight and I know you are so happy. You taught me how to love. I miss you. Thank you for investing your love for Him into my life. Your children are beautiful, they reflect the spirit of who you are - and the Jesus you loved. Alice Cheshire - in your home, I was one of your own. You gave me my Kalenjin name, Chepkimboi. I have some crazy memories of that house on the corner. I was not some mzungu child that was catered too...I was just as African as your kids. I was taught how to serve my elders, to be in presence of dignitaries, to serve those less fortunate than I was, to laugh, to love Jesus and to have fun. I still want to get married at Mokongi on the terrace that overlooks the hills one day. So much of my life is wrapped up in memories of you and yours. I love your children - so blessed to call them friends.
Sue Fort - how you must have wondered about this crazy American girl that brought noise and chaos to your world! I adored every moment in your presence whether it was playing tennis, working at the library, keeping golf scores, singing carols at Christmas or simply sitting with a drink and few stories on the porch. I loved your laughter, I can still hear it if I listen hard enough! Your children were my friends and I so enjoyed their sharing their holidays with me. You loved me and took me in as a lovely English auntie...I love you and am so thankful to God for you in my life.
Flick VanKaufmann - every memory of you makes my heart sing with joy. You were so patient with me and always had an ear for my stories and a kind word for my day. You are beautiful. There is a bit of quiet English calm in my tea loving soul - that is your influence in my life.
Ruth Fernandez, again, I have no idea how in the world you put up with me. You let me just pop in and out of your house whenever my heart desired. You shared your life with me and I love you.
Billu Gil - I love you so much more than you will ever know. My heart LONGS for your home....even now. I want tea made by you, Dad sitting next to me with tea bisquets. In your eyes and in your home I could do no wrong - that is because all I wanted was to please you. I can hear you calling my name from time to time - making me promise not to be "naughty". You taught me to cook yummy morsels and made me the daughter in your home. There are so many influential and admirable ways that you influenced me - till today - that words are not enough. I love your children like brothers and I promise to always take care of them.
Jindi - I was 7 - you came to my house - the first Indian woman I had ever met. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were so beautiful - I wanted to be just like you. You had a son and you let us be friends. You had a daughter and you let us laugh together. You taught me how to cook....and then taught me how Pali liked it cooked just in case I ever needed to cook for him. You always cooked a special dish for me "without so many chilis" because you knew my poor little mouth couldn't take the hot...ha ha ha. Your sweet friendship to my mother and your wonderful ways you cared for your family influenced has my life for all of those years. I am who I am because of you.
Aunt Carol Koetz - You were and are one of the greatest influences in my life. I loved that you lived next door. You taught me how to have a servant's heart (one I can only dream of living up to one day).....that there was always room for more around the table....that faith was simple and strong....that Christ was enough. In so many ways I feel your spirit in my life...in the way I cook, the way I worship, the way I love others. My life is completely changed because you were in it.
As I write this my mind can see clearly the homes that are represented. The homes, the faces, the streets of that sweet place & these incredible women. I am sure that in my fuzzy memories I have forgotten someone. There were so many that loved this little crazy white girl in this little African town. I had African, Indian, British and American mama's & aunties. They loved me, they prayed for me, they laughed with me and they patiently helped form the person I am today. They came from all walks of life, religions and cultural differences and made up the people that I call family.
My heart longs for you today, sweet ladies....it prays for you daily...that you will know an experience the love of Christ. I long to sit and have a cup of tea, to help you in the kitchen, to play with your children, to go back and relive each moment of love that I experienced at the mercy of your hands.
On this month of honor to mothers - I honor you. There are not adequate enough words to describe who you are to me...this is my humble attempt.

Thank you for being my "village". I promise to do my best make you proud.

A morning of thoughts

My friend Laura Stephens (who writes the most beautiful blogs), has recently taken to just typing out thoughts as they come to her. This morning all of the thoughts tumbling around in my head are just begging to come out and be heard....so I thought I'd do the same thing.

I want to be in Africa....I miss my brother already and he is not yet on the plane.....I absolutely love the purple petunia that has bloomed....why haven't the rest of them bloomed....Coffee - in the top three of God's creations...right after oceans and stars....and most days, before humans....there is a dog down stairs....I can hear the collar tags...Paddington be quiet. UGH, I need to get him to a training class. I am in desperate need of a mani/pedi. I hate that I can't do as good a job on myself as the cute little Vietnamese do...

My brain is alert this morning....yea for vitamins....please let this be the answer and let the normalcy continue. I need to look on IKEA for a bed. I thought I wanted the iron one but want to be double sure. I love the way my apartment looks without the clutter of a table. Purging of stuff has not been so bad at all.

The sound of the cars on the tollway, kind of sound like the ocean in the distance. I wish the ocean was as close as the tollway. Brother is probably boarding right now....I'd give anything to be on the plane with him. God, one day will you let my heart and body dwell in the same place? They've been separated for so long. Picasso always looks like he is posing for some kitty model search....maybe he is.

My fingers are sore from guitar....Lord, would you make my little hand stronger. I wonder if there are exercises for finger flexibility....finger yoga! yes! must google. I love google -

It's been way too long since I was on a plane anywhere....I have so many friends to visit, but I think I'd like to get on a plane and just go somewhere....just me....put that on my goal poster. London - *sigh...I need me some Billu & Chuchi. Mmmmm Indian food.....

I need to get up and be productive. Make my bed...clean the bathroom....laundry. I'm out!

An April Ramble....

I flipped the calendar this morning from April to May - but before I did I just stood there and looked at all the month of April had held....

A day of fools....a Friday they say is good....an early Easter dinner on a Saturday night with my family...my aunt's cooking, my papa's laughter, fun conversation around the table

...an Easter lunch on Sunday with friends - One from the past, one from the present and one just made that day...an Easter Sunday that ended in celebration of the Cross, the blood shed, a resurrection full of Hope that gives me life today...

Sunday's to worship with the Village, Monday's of Mary Kay
Massages, lunches with friends,
my friend's playing good music
,
my first ride in a pedicab,


prayer with the Elders, my first guitar lesson,
...my sweet god-daughter turning 1...
.
a dentist appointment...
blue bonnets
.
...Taxes...A brother celebrated another year...my dad did too.
A symphony, a painting, a play - all enjoyed with friends I love.
Ending with Day 1 of Road Rules 2010 with the Village Church!

That was just the stuff on my calendar. Someday someone may find this calendar, and look at the words and think nothing of them. But there were days of laughter, days of fun, days of tears and sadness as well, days when I doubted, days when I rejoiced, days when I was lonely, & days overwhelmed by the love of friends. For every minute of every day I am thankful...now onto May!

Mediocrity and the destruction of it....

So, one thing that I really don't enjoy or like about myself is the lack of going the distance. Most things come relatively easy to me so rather than excel in them I choose to be "just ok" and move on to the next adventure.
This past few years of my life I've gone from that being the norm and ok - to that being the norm and really ticking me off. I am not ok with being mediocre and so I've set out to change that.

Six months ago - I set some goals. I've accomplished several of them, but there were some key ones that I set that I missed the mark on. So - I'm reseting them.

Today is the beginning of 9 weeks of discipline. Now discipline can sound so negative and derogatory, but really it is freeing in so many aspects....and I am excited to explore who I am as I really crunch down and push past the "just ok".

I am setting goals in four areas.

Spiritually - while I have come a long way in the past six months - now that I understand who I am in Christ and have a deeper desire to learn of Him - I am making myself truly accountable to friends who know me and who love me enough to walk me through the hard times and show me some tough love if necessary.

Physically - I am just weak here. (pun not really intended) I am good at running for a couple of days and then slacking off...going to the gym and then getting too busy....starting to train for something and then making excuses why I can't. Well truth be told - I am tired of being a size 10. Some of you are gasping right now, for some - you dream of being a 10, while others can't believe I am that big. Wherever you are in the gamut of that I love you exactly where you are. But I don't really love me. I am not incredibly fond of who I am in this area - and I am just putting it out there.

Mentally - I am VERY lazy in this area. I am smart...yes I am confident in that area....and because I am smart I don't try. I learn only what I want to learn and read what I want to read, rather than stretching myself to learn something new and different and WAY outside my comfort zone.

And Business-ly - I have a very successful Mary Kay business that I play at. It works for me when I work, and when I "don't feel like it" I don't work. One of the goals I failed to accomplish by April was to be 100% credit card debt free. If I had set my mind to it, this would have been so easy - but I wanted to play. No more! Look out world!

As I write down my actual goals in these areas - I am going to share them some here on this blog (one of those goals is to write and blog more) I am going to share my really amazing days, and I am going to share my super crappy I don't want to do it anymore days.

I am excited - I've got accountability set in place - ready to love me, to encourage me and to kick me in the pants. ha!

If you are the encouraging sort - I'll take all of it I can get. If you are the praying kinda - I'll take as much of that as you want to give me. If you are a negative Nelly - then remember I WAS disciplined enough to earn a black belt in martial arts and I will kick you in the head - negativity can get out of my way!

I am excited, nervous, determined and cannot wait for June 7th to see exactly where this fun adventure takes me!

Join me if you dare.....

Pondering dreams & goals today....

This poem (one of my favorites) continues to run through my head

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

You won't believe it....

Habakkuk 1:5
Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.

How powerful is this verse. I listen to talk radio and hear debate after debate about this party and that party and this agenda and that agenda. While I definitely have opinions on all of these things, I am made to pause with this verse.

In the verses that follow the Lord explains to Habakkuk how that he is going to allow the Chaldeans to take over and rule over Isreal. He explains that they are a nasty, vile and violent people and He is just going to let it happen...because He was doing something.

So often we are deceived by the current tele-evangelist, or popular messaging of our day that if we just live right, if we just do this, if we just have faith that everything good will head our way. But that is just not been the case historically or bibilically. Sometimes - He allows the bad into our lives for His purpose that we cannot see.

I think the last part of verse 5 is what strikes me the most. "Even if I told you - you wouldn't believe it". His ways are so exponentially higher than our ways, that even if we had knowledge of what He was up to...we would not believe it. Amazing

It's out of my hands....

I am studying in Ephesians right now - I wasn't too sure when I first started the study...but I am now loving it. What is striking to me is the amount of times that the phrase "according to" or "in accordance with" shows up in this book.

"According to the good pleasure of His will" "According to the riches of His grace." "According to his good pleasure", "According to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will", "According to the working of His mighty power", - and that is just chapter one! What I am learning from that is that it is not "according to" ME at all....it is His will, His Grace, His mercy, His power, His might, His purposes that were designed before the foundation of the world....and I have been chosen by Him to be a receipient of that.

There are days like today when I wake up and can rest totally in that. Then there are days like yesterday...when I wanted all control and rest and trust where something I had to wrestle against my own self to attain.

Oh that I might learn to have more days like today.

Honest Confessions of a Struggling Journey

I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. - Francis Chan

Reading these words filled my heart with several conflicting emotions. A longing to live up to them, a thankfulness that my heart had already cried them three years ago and an angst that I had almost forgotten them.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point - willing to share what is truly in my heart. This blog will be rather raw - a surprising confession to some and hopefully encouraging to others who find themselves where I have been.

I want to say something right up front before I start this story - just in case you don't get to the end. I have lived so many lies that I did not realize were lies, and hurt so many of you with them in my 33 years.

For those I have hurt along the way I confess to you an apology & ask that you might forgive me. I was not honest with myself for so long - so how could I be honest with you? I promise to do my best, with God's help, to be honest and open from now on and pray that God would use my struggles to bring you closer to Him.

The story begins on a freezing, iced over night in January 2007....
the weekend of my thirtieth birthday, I found myself sitting at the feet of a woman who loves me deeply and who I trusted to confess the true state of my heart. I sat weeping almost uncontrollably as I confessed to her that I didn't really know who God was, wasn't sure I cared, and had no idea how to get to know Him better if I did care. I had lived a life of doing the "God thing" because I was the granddaughter of two pastors and the daughter of a missionary. I was supposed to believe in God. I knew how to talk to the talk, walk the walk and deceive everyone around me into thinking I was this amazing Godly kid.

At 30, I was simply a walking lie.

At 30, I really had no desire to participate in a life that I was finding to be mundane and joyless - even though others around me seemed to be finding joy within it. I did not get it. What drove them to study the Bible - I found it so extremely boring (especially since I knew it all anyway). What drove them to serve - I did it for the purely selfish reason of being noticed and admired. What drove them to sacrifice - I was just trying to get by on my own and wasn't sure about giving till it hurt.

At 30, I was an empty shell, doing the hobby of Christianity - doing what Christians did, saying what Christians say, walking in my own strength, fooling everyone into thinking I was an amazing Godly woman.

That night, instead of looking on me with horror, pulling out her Bible to cast out all of the demons in me, condemning my actions and judging my parents (a very real pride-filled fear of mine) for somehow failing in their raising of me - this amazing woman simply held me like a child. She cried with me, she held my hands and let me know that it was perfectly ok to not be ok, she didn't try to have all the right words, she simply loved me right where I was in that moment.

That confession that night began a very long, treacherous, journey over the past three years. I'd like to say that night I was instantaneously set free from the fake life I was living and everything was all better. That I started living an authentic life rather than a lie, that I began to be real and vulnerable rather than fake and proud, but that is sadly not the case - I have a hard head and sometimes it takes a long time for me to learn.

After that sweet time of confession - I went right back to living exactly how I had been for another year. Pursuing the empty false "pleasures" of life and being completely miserable. Putting on the face I thought everyone wanted to see. I know that those of you who have known me, or those who follow this blog may think "What miserable? - I never saw that." I can only say that I had become and expert at masking who I was on the inside. I went to church, blogged about the amazing things God was doing in my life, began to lead a bible study and a prayer ministry, showed my "sweet angelic" face to the world - yet inside I was hollow. I didn't believe most of the stuff I was dishing out and I was about as deep as a tide pool at low tide.

This went on till October of 2008. I looked up in the midst of yet another change in my life and realized I did not like me. In fact, I pretty much hated myself. I hated who I was, I hated the game I was playing with a God I wasn't sure I believed in, and I had few real friends - as the people I surrounded myself with were toxic co-dependent taking up space relationships that were literally sucking the life out of me slowly and steadily. I spent hours in front of the television watching fake lives and wishing they were my own, but had no desire to go make one for myself. "How could people like me if I was such a loser and didn't even like myself", was my constant thought. I wanted OUT! I- me- the REAL ME! - the girl inside was screaming to be found. "Stop ignoring me." - she would cry to my fake self, "Stop trying so hard and just let me out - its ok."
And the dark night - got darker.

Over the next few months, I made some very difficult decisions regarding the people I called "friend". I thought that would be the answer - get rid of the life sucking relationships in my life - find new ones - and things would be better. Oh my silly naive self - hadn't I tried this a few dozen times already in life.

The good part of that decision was getting rid of the bad relationships. However, as I looked around I didn't know how to "get new ones". So, I was lonely and my heart ached for companionship that I couldn't seem to find.

I got rid of my TV. This was an amazing step in my life because it was fun to watch the reactions of people when I said "I don't have a TV." No one was quite sure what I did with all of the time that I now had on my hands - and to be honest at first I didn't either.

I started being honest with myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a person that acted selfless to get praise, who was "proudly" humble, and had no idea who God was. So I stopped the lies. I stopped acting selfless yet actually being selfish and began to question my motives before acting out. (Amazingly this helped me stay out of a few more codependent "friendships" that tried to creep back in). I looked at those that I know that truly walk in humility and began to watch the characteristics of their lives so that I could begin to live that out truthfully. I decided to "get to know God".

I came face to face with the fact that though I had proclaimed God as King for virtually all of my life, I, in fact, was only mimicking words and beliefs of others. I began to walk through very dark nights of the soul where I battled and wrestled with whom and what I believed. Again, even looking back at my blogging during this time - so few of you would know this because I am good at wearing the mask. I am good at putting on the appropriate face and using the correct vocabulary for whatever the current situation is. I'd been doing it all of my life.

At this point I finally got "honest" enough to stop leading at church. If I didn't know if I believed then I probably shouldn't be teaching others.

First - Jesus - who is this guy? I know what I had been taught, but I wasn't so sure. So I started in Matthew and began to read the New Testament just as I would read any other book. What I found - Jesus is a whole lot different than what my mind knew to be "truth". I found someone who didn't condemn the poor for being poor - He LOVED them. He didn't judge the prostitute, whore, tax collector, drunkard, thief, crippled, different, ignorant, unfaithful, doubting, broken, seeking yet so far away person....He LOVED them. As I looked closer the ones that Jesus condemned looked a lot like me. The shallow, glory stealing, religious zealot who acted like he knew it all but in reality knew very little and simply judged the rest of the world because of his selfish pride. In fact, the Jesus of the Bible would most likely walk into 98% of our church buildings here in the west and either start "cleaning up the temple", turn and walk away in shame of those that say they follow him, or be turned away at the door for not looking like he belonged there. With this reality check came some seriously dark nights. I didn't want to be this person any more. I battled, I struggled, I studied, I doubted, I cried, I yelled, I talked to those who loved me enough to meet me right where I am. More and more I began to agree with Donald Miller's statement - The more I trust Christ with redemption, the less I'm impressed with religious zeal and posturing.
I simply fell in love with Jesus, because He is so in love with me - and He is enough. It took me so long to be able to say that and mean it - I'd said it for so long with no meaning - HE IS ENOUGH.
In every question, every moment of doubt,fear, anxiety, unbelief, untruth I was living in - He was there - He was/is the answer, assurance, joy, peace, belief and Truth.


Where I am now....
This year (past three years really) has been a long, rough journey. I have gone to the darkest moment of my life and screamed out to just know Truth if there was any out there. I have battled depression, anxiety, and fear of Truth. I have doubted the God of my childhood and questioned things I have never let myself question before. In early fall, I had an amazing 4 hour conversation with a friend that I love dearly who lives as an agnostic and very much liked his way of thinking - yet found that when I walked in that direction I found no Hope and Joy in a lack of a God - rather I found paralyzing fear in trusting in my own wisdom. When I sought Him I found Him just as He promised I would. I have come face to face with the God of the Bible and decided for myself -not because I am a ministry kid or church goer - but truly for myself what I believe and how that lines up with my life.

In this journey I have come to sweet moments of Grace. In studying I have found promises I never knew existed and in living I have found a God that lives up to them in ways that I did not expect. I have been surrounded - not of my own seeking out of them but by God's grace - by Godly people who love me exactly where I am. I have been given friends - real friends - the kind you can call at 3 in the morning because you are sad and you just need to talk. I have learned how to be vulnerable and honest. At one point I went to my pastor and said - I don't know about all of this God stuff - and he loved me enough to say I have been there, I know exactly where you are and it sucks. Those were the words I need to hear! Perhaps no one else heard the Hope in them - but here was a man who had walked as an agnostic for so long - came to Christ - and even after coming to Christ battled the darkness of the soul. That he was honest about that rather than condemning towards me was a picture of Christ to my soul.

I know more of who I am, and I like her. I am still battling pride, learning to trust, heartbroken over my own actions at times, still broken in so many ways. But I am learning that He never gets tired of my brokenness - He is patient and loving and willing to heal me if I am willing to stop trying to control it all and let Him do His perfect Work.

As for you, my friends - my heart's cry is that this spoke to you in some way wherever you may be on your own journey. That my battle would ease some of your own doubts. If you are walking where I have walked that you would simply keep walking towards Truth. I know that some read this and think, "Three years that is all? I've been battling for so much longer." The truth is - so was I - I was just not honest enough to say so.

I love you more than you know - honestly.

Almost Christmas

Almost Christmas....
Can't believe how my life has changed this year. Part of New Year goals is to get back to this blog...get back to writing in general actually. And recently made a promise to Jack Bauer that I would - and well for anyone who has watched 24 - one knows not to mess with Jack.

For now, Merry Christmas to all....

Dear Blog

Please don't think I don't love you anymore, I just need some time to process the thoughts that are constantly running through my head.

I'll be back soon,
Amanda

my love for You

this is how i love You
i obey Your commmands
to love Truth and love justice
and my fellow man
to steady to weak
and the hungry to feed
that Christ might be honored
and with me be pleased

for this is the love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love i have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

this is how i love You
giving as i've received
the blessings You've lavished
to others in needto care for the poor
to free the oppressed
to stand for the orphan
and the widow to bless
if I have not love then i truly have nothing at all

here now is love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love I have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

God did

There is a cute little tune, with a catchy little rhythm, with words that speak to the goody two shoes I used to be. All of my life I have been in an inner battle to live how other people wanted me to live and be who others wanted me to be.

In the journey of the past couple of years when I have begun to peel off the dead and dying parts of me that really should have never been there in the first place. To remove from me a skin that was covering up the who of me and the truely coming to terms with the inner parts that have been crying for years to be recognized and brought to the forefront. Who I am growing and moving towards now is who I have always wanted to be, and the more I am allowing myself to "just be" and to grow; the deeper my heart finds dwelling within the God of the universe.

But what I am also finding is that God is so much different than who I ever imagined Him to be. The ways in which He loves me and shows that love towards me are in tune and rhythm with things that make my heart beat...rather than against it, as I have so long battled. Nature, pleasure, music, dance, the fullness of life are not a contridiction to Him, but rather a flow of sacred rhythm that comes out of Him, for my good and His glory. This realization has formed a new awareness in me to the world around me. Things that I appreciated before; I now cherish and desire to know more about. I am not made to live under the law, I am made to live in fullness of life.

So this catchy tune by some guys called "Shane & Shane", I referenced at the beginning of this rambling, has some powerful words that resonate with my heart and thoughts on this Monday morning:

Growin’ up I overheard
All the grown ups sayin’
You better be prayin’
And sayin’
All the right little things
At the right little times
And I had it down
At least on the outside

I’d put my best side forward
I could smile with the best
And dress like the rest
Of the messed up church folk singin’ a song

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Could it be that morality
Got the best of you and me
Got us thinking
That we’re on the brink
Of a drink of the cup that’s all filled up
With the cross havin’ even a little to do with us
It was His day
It was His way

To the glory of His grace
Took our disease
Enough to please
The Father of lights
To bruise Jesus

Maybe do’s and don’ts
Were made to show
How much we do
And don’t ever make it

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Sacrificial Obedience

Genesis 22:1-10
1. After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 2. He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." 3. So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. 4.On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5.Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you." 6.And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. 7.And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" 8. Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together.
9.When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.

This passage of scripture has come back to my mind over and over again this past week. Having grown up in the church, I have heard this story in Sunday School, in lessons, in sermons...but this week God showed it to me in a different way.

Abraham's sacrificial obedience....God said "Abraham go kill your son." Abraham did not question, "Are you sure?", he did not run to his friends to ask their opinion of what God had said, he did not spend time in counsel with his priest, or even ask his wife. The scriptures say, the next morning, he got up, gathered the supplies to do what God had asked of him, and he started out, he walked up the mountain, he built the altar, he bound his son, and raised the knife.

My battle this week has been learning to walk in that sort of obedience. I am pretty selfish. I want what I want; and what I do not want I will find a way out of. So when God asks me to do something that I do not necessarily like at that moment....even with the head knowledge that is for my good and His glory....what is my response? I will confess that rarely (if ever) has my response been to get up the next morning and get to it. Rather I usually go round and round and analyze and try to find the logic, seek the counsel of friends and godly men and women, then if I can find no way around it...I will obey God.

Now I am not saying to never seek the counsel of another, but there are some circumstances in which cousel is not needed because the voice of God is loud and clear as to what it is He is asking me to do.

So this week I have had to learn a very difficult lesson of sacrificial obedience. Learning to raise the knife on the thing I love and desire, with faith that according to His promise there will be a "ram in the thicket" that will be revealed in God's perfect timing, within His perfect will. My walk of obedience is not to look for this ram, to seek all possible alternatives, it is simply to in faith, gather the supplies for what He has asked of me, to walk up the mountain, build the altar, bind that which He has called me to sacrifice, and raise the knife.