Tigpan's thots

New Digs

2010-07-30T14:42:00.000-05:00

Had to share......

2010-07-27T19:59:00.005-05:00

AHHHH I'm so far behind on blogging! Part of this is because I keep thinking I am going to switch over to wordpress - but am still trying to figure out how to customize it all...any help would be greatly appreciated!

So, tonight's blog had all sorts of themes...I have several in a line up...a friend recently told me to keep a notebook close at hand for the creative thoughts that run through my mind when I am trying to write and then get a case of writers block. She is brilliant - and a beautiful writer herself - you can check out her work here.
Anyway - I am very much digressing....because I am so excited to show you what God reminded me tonight!
So, I was just sitting here reading through 2 Kings. (making my way through the old testament is taking so much longer than the new...but I digress - again). So I remembered that when I was studying 2 Kings in high school with some bible teacher who could just make the old testament come alive - to a high schooler that is pretty amazing!....anyway...I remembered this story....so I googled it to find more and found this. http://www.glimpsesofgrace.org/html/Coniah.html

OH my this story still gets me EVERYTIME!

Nothing frustrates the sovereign will of an infinite God!! Nothing at all! God used this very problem to illustrate His genius and the credibility of His word.

Oh what joy and hope - when I think about all that is trying to thwart that sovereign will in my own life...and in the lives of my family!
I could shout, laugh, cry, dance around in worship!!! Seriously! This brought me so much joy tonight!! ..so I had to share!!

Where I really want to be today....

2010-07-23T13:08:00.003-05:00

Just doing some dreaming....

I wanna be here...

Here..

Here...

Or best of all....HERE....

*sigh....sweet bliss

AMAZING!

2010-07-20T11:18:00.007-05:00

That is really the only way to describe my 5 days away!

I have over 700 photos to download and way too many stories to tell.

Once I get the photos off my camera I'll post a super long blog until then here are highlights from my iPhone.

*First, apologies to Milwaukee - I totally made fun of you before I met you and now I totally adore you and your 80 degree weather. You are the cutest little city and I can't wait to come back to visit. Thank you for your sweet hospitality, amazing food, and lovely little neighborhoods to visit.

*To the bride and groom - you two are completely adorable together! Thank you for letting me share in your week. Every blessing possible on you and your life together!

*To the sweet lifetime friends, and the newly formed friends - your lives blessed mine in so many ways. Laughter, tears, and more laughter made this week the best one imaginable! I can't wait to play again someday soon!

A change of scenery

2010-07-15T09:37:00.005-05:00

As my last post indicated my soul is indeed restless. So, what do restless souls do when they can't just jump on a plane? We change our scenery. Saturday morning - off to Home Depot I went with the little paint swatch I have been carrying around for months now. Here are the results!

Before:

No I didn't make my bed that morning because I knew I would be stripping it down later.

Color preview....

Wall panels

10 hours, some sore calves & feet (from not having a real ladder and having to paint on tiptoe, and some exhaustion later....
After:

I found these fun treasures while out thrifting one day...

So, they went here...

A yummy reward!

Restless

2010-07-10T08:32:00.004-05:00

So last year, I made and kept this amazing resolution that I was going to travel somewhere fun at least once a month. I went all over the place and traveled enough to finally earn Gold status with American.

This year - my resolution is to be out of debt, because I want to go back to school. I am furiously working at this particular goal, but it has very much cramped my travel schedule! The last time I was on a plane was months ago - a 24 hour work trip to Chicago.

Months and months of being in Dallas has been ok. I've deepened some friendships, made some new ones. Learned more about Dallas the city. Found fun and interesting things to do around town - and could probably find a few more if I wanted. I've accomplished somethings I've been wanting to accomplish, like running my first 5K. It has been good over all.

But my soul is restless....my feet are itching. Really my heart is not happy unless there is a trip in the planning. Praying for wisdom as to what the next adventure is that He might have for me....something that requires lots of travel time.

In the meantime, this restless soul will just do a bit of wandering today - and who knows....maybe paint a wall or grab my camera and find something pretty to photograph. Or maybe just drive on over to DFW and jump on a plane......

Failing misreably

2010-07-08T10:39:00.005-05:00

For some reason the past couple of weeks I have failed misreably at blogging.
Time to do all that I want simply keeps escaping -

I promise a blog about this past weekend and my first 5k...soon.

Today - due to lack of time *sigh - I simply leave you with a word of inspiration that I try to live by. Have a glorious Thursday, friends!

I long to accomplish a great and noble task,

but is my chief duty to accomplish small tasks

as if they were great and noble. - Helen Keller

Rambling Happenings

2010-07-01T07:26:00.003-05:00

This new blog is taking longer than I thought to design.

It has rained for three days in Dallas and I couldn't be happier. I am running a 5k on Sunday...I have never run a 5k.
Ian Hart Nicolato was born today....today is also David Hart Coté's day of birth. Random coincidence on the middle names as they don't know each other.

I can smell the coffee brewing and my mouth is watering in anticipation. I wish I could make cream art with it like this. I'm going to learn!

I would like for Charlee Hope Anderson to make her way into the world - pronto.

I miss California more now than I have in a long time. Praying that one day.....

My cat and my dog are nose to nose..."stalking" each other this morning....they really do make me laugh out loud.

I love waking up happy....there is really no better feeling!
Thankful.

New Blog

2010-06-24T22:07:00.003-05:00

So I've decided to switch over to Wordpress....my blog will be silent for a couple of days until I get it all set up. You know in that spare time I have! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!

Love to all!

Wordpress vs Blogspot

2010-06-22T07:37:00.002-05:00

Seriously considering switching to Wordpress for blogging - due to fun features that I just can't seem to find on blogspot.
Thoughts? Comments? Opinions?

Slowing down for a minute

2010-06-18T17:45:00.003-05:00

I went to Hobby Lobby this afternoon to find them putting up Fall and Christmas decor. I was highly disappointed....why do we want to wish our lives away? If it's Monday we wish for Friday....leaving out the amazing other 4 days with which God has gifted us.

In the past few years it seems the days of my life have flown by; and if my grandmother is to be believed (and she is pretty believable), time will only keep speeding up.
So today is June 17th. I choose to take a deep breath and live in June 17th. I will not wish for June 18th...it will get here soon enough.
Tonight I'm going to sit in my chair, crochet a blanket for a sweet baby soon to make her way onto the scene...pray over this sweet baby while I stitch that each moment of her life will be full & blessed. Pray for my friends that wherever they are right now they can stop and drink in this moment in time and not hurry on to the next.
And pray that God will allow me to see and experience exactly what He has for me - right now in this minute he has blessed me with.

What inspired me today

2010-06-17T09:34:00.003-05:00

I took this picture last summer while sitting on my Granny's porch. Today it inspires me to fly.

An Update

2010-06-15T09:40:00.012-05:00

A little over 9 weeks ago I wrote about new areas of discipline that I wanted to work on in this blog. Little did I know what God had in store for those 9 weeks.

A quick recap of the areas I wanted to work on:

Spiritually - I wanted to really spend some time getting to know Him deeper.
Physically - Seriously working on this size 10 body.
Mentally - Getting back to reading and blogging and learning new things.
Business-ly - Working on my Mary Kay and pushing to accomplish my goal of being out of Credit card debt by July.

Oh my did God have some work for my life!

Spiritually - I decided to start by rewalking through a book that I have studying before called Victory over Darkness by Neil Anderson. This book is chock full of scripture - giving one the tools to really understand the battle of the mind, one's identity in Christ and learning how to overcome the Enemies relentless attempt to convince us that we are less than who Christ empowers us to be. having walked through this study before, I knew that there would be some warfare coming, as there is anytime that one decides to go deeper. But I was not expecting the kind of attack that I experienced. I began battling what I believed to be depression. I was experiencing insomnia, then when I did sleep having nightmares, unexplainable fear of things and people, a lethargic nothingness that came out of nowhere, and then the scariest of all came sadness….overwhelming, indescribable sadness. The kind of sadness that puts one to bed, and where one wishes to absolutely never have to get out. NONE of this was who I am. As I know that there is a chemical possibility for me to experience depression, I chalked it up to this. I put on a fake and happy mask and did whatever it took to make it through the day. Only to get home and cry myself to sleep and wish for change that didn’t appear was ever going to come.

I have learned enough in the past few years to ask for help as quickly as possible when these feelings come on, so I went to the doctors for help and all of my blood work came back normal – so my chemicals were not out of kilter. All of my herbal suppliments were at the right dosage and according to the doctors there was seemingly no reason for this state of mind to be. So, I went where I should have gone first; right into the arms of Him who loves me most. In my fear and anxiety I was actually having a lot of trouble even being able to pray – which, again, is very much not like me. So I went to one of the elders of my church whom I trusted with my insecurities and described to him all of my symptoms. I told him that I believed that I was not actually depressed but rather I was oppressed and in desperate need of the blood of Jesus to bind and destroy whatever had attached itself to me.

Praise the Lord! I am now walking again in the freedom and joy that I was walking in earlier this year. However, how sweet and lovely and deeper it is for having walked through this time.

Physically.
Ok so I still struggle with discipline here, but I am proud to say that I have signed up for my first 5K. I am using the "Get Running" App on the iphone. It is part of the "couch to 5K" running program. I pretty much adore the voice that is used for the prompts. It is a sweet woman with a british accent...I've named her "Claire". If I ever get the chance to meet her I will give her a huge hug for helping me making "just 10 more seconds."

Now if I could just be disciplined enough to get up and run early in the morning!

Mentally.
This is probably the area in which I have excelled the most. I have (obviously) gotten back to blogging. I am learning how to play the guitar (but need to be more disciplined in my practice of it). I have fallen back in love with reading....I am reading several books right now and learning new things with every sentence.

And lastly...Ok I'm putting it out here for the world to see...I am applying for Grad school!!! I hope to have my application finished and ready for editing by this Friday - which means I have to put my nose to the proverbial grindstone and get it done. More on this later...but I am soooo excited!

Business-ly
This is the area that has unfortunately lacked the most. With the before mentioned "depression", the ability or desire to do anything at all was completely lacking. However, God has blessed despite my failings and I have several new customers and have had some great business in the past few weeks. Now that I am back to my normal self I am excited to get back out there...and use this business to richly bless and work in the lives of other women.
Oh and you know if I earn one of these along the way......so be it.

I am now onto the next part of discipline which is refining these things. Going back - looking to see where it is I falter in my steps and how I can change.

I have also (as you can see in my last blog post) taken up a 30-day journalling challenge. With this challenge I have simultaneously challenged myself to be part of the 5 o'clock club (getting up at 5 o'clock to get the day started in the Word and not begin my day in such a rush). We'll see what this has to teach me!

30 day Journal Challenge

2010-06-14T07:10:00.002-05:00

I have always loved the thought of a journal.
I remember as a child deciding I was going to write one, but thought my life was too boring so I made up stories about my life to put in it. I've also written letters to boys that I was just so sure I needed to have in my life (I guess better to have journaled them than sent them!), and I have also written many, many prayers. I love to look back at those journals of prayer and see where God moved, where I was trying to impress God with my fancy words - as if that was even possible - and best of all...where my heart was changed by Him, prayers were answered and where I stepped aside to let the God of creation do His mighty work.
So recently I was put onto a 30 day journal challenge. It starts today.....you can do it too - it's not too late. Just head over to this blog (or click on the link on the right of my page) and pick up your journal prompt for the day.

Ok I'm off to accept my first assignment and then to work. Have a happy day peeps!

How is it that I pursue Him?

2010-06-13T19:39:00.004-05:00

Tonight I was thinking about someone who has tried to pursue me for years. He constantly declares his love for me and yet consistently pursues me in ways that do not interest me at all. As I thought about him, I wrote down these words.

You don't love me - you simply love the thought of who you want for me to be.
That is who you pursue - the version of me that you have in your head.
If you truly loved me, you would put aside all your ideas of how to love me and actually get to know who I really am. Then in that knowing you would know how to pursue after me.

Then my pen stopped.....my hand faltered.....I realized what I was saying and yet who was really saying it to me....

And God whispered....'That's what I've been trying to tell you.'

Metaphors, Analogies and Similies.....

2010-06-13T16:02:00.003-05:00

My friend Laura - who always has the most creative of blogs. Stumbled upon this fantastic list a few days ago and shared it with us. Because I believe that immitatation is the sincerest form of flattery....I am copying it (with her permission) and posting it for you to enjoy. The list below is a combination of the funniest analogies taken from high school essays. The chosen 25 were compiled by high school teachers across the country.

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a ThighMaster.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. (my personal favorite)

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

Twas the night before the World Cup

2010-06-10T23:37:00.007-05:00

Twas the night before the World Cup
by Amanda Workman
Twas the night before the World Cup and all through the land,
Excitement was stirring their Vuvuzela's in hand.
The cleats were all sitting in the locker rooms with care,
In hopes that they would some glory soon share.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of soccer balls danced in their heads.
And the teams in their jersey's and the goalie in his kit
Had just settled down to visualize it.
When out on the pitch there arose such a clatter
The goalie stood up to see what was the matter.
Off to the goal he flew like a flash,
Threw on his gloves and got ready to dash.
The moon on the crest of the top of the goal
Gave an eire glow to the field down below.
When what to his wondering eyes should drop in
But a miniature Ref and two tiny linesmen,
With a whistle and flags, one yellow, one red
He knew in in a moment it must be St. Fred.
More rapid than eagles his linemen they came and
He whistled and shouted and called them by name.
Now Right field, now Left field - keep your eye on the ball
It can't cross that line or "Out!" you must call!
To the top of the field! Look out for that wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!
As sand before the desert storm flies
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So to the sides of the fields the linesmen they flew,
With his whistle in hand, St. Fred followed too.
And then in a twinkling, the Goalie he saw
Two teams take the field with a little white ball.
They were dressed in fine colors from their head to their feet
And they all marched in unison like to a drum beat.
They moved to position one here and one there
As at their opponents they stared and they glared.
Their eyes how they fixed them! Their grins were quite scary!
Their muscles were tense now and their legs were quite hairy!
Their little red mouths pursed in concentration
And their body language screamed "Let's fight for our nation!"
Though they were quite serious, they still were tiny as elves
and the Goalie laughed, in spite of himself.
And then St. Fred with the toss of a coin
Decided who started and who would then join.
And bringing his whistle up to his mouth,
Started the game and the cheers all cried out!
The players they ran and kicked at that ball
They pushed and they pulled and "Foul!" they did call!
The goalies made saves and the defenders defended
The mid-fielders ran and St. Fred almost upended.
Then one of the forwards with his eye on the ball
Flipped and turned and gave it his all
And suddenly as if in slow motion
The ball headed forward and started causing commotion.
This wee tiny player had spotted a hole,
And with one swift kick he scored a GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAALLLLL!
St. Fred blew his whistle and the crowd they all cheered
While the goalie collapsed and his eyes they did tear.
The game it was over, the team's fates had been sealed;
Then just ask they'd come the teams walked off the field
But the Goalie heard them as they walked out of sight…
HAPPY WORLD CUP TO ALL!!! AND TO ALL A GOOD FIGHT!

If I know a song of Africa....

2010-06-10T13:13:00.004-05:00

If I know a song of Africa, of the giraffe and the African new moon lying on her back, of the plows in the fields and the sweaty faces of the coffee pickers, does Africa know a song of me? Will the air over the plain quiver with a color that I have had on, or the children invent a game in which my name is, or the full moon throw a shadow over the gravel of the drive that was like me, or will the eagles of the Ngong Hills look out for me?

~Karen Blixen

(Mt. Kilimanjaro early this morning)

My heart's desire....

2010-06-08T11:31:00.004-05:00

I love this photograph. With all of the amazing Indian women in my life - my heart's desire is that they will all come to know the True and LIVING God.

Pray with me for the country of India today?

Deals and Steals. ;-)

2010-06-07T10:44:00.004-05:00

This weekend I decided to make some headway on some redecorating I want to do. However I am on a very very strict budget so all things had to be either found a thrift store for the right price...or things I already own needed to be re-purposed.

Deals:
One wing chair in perfect condition.

Price $54.99 on sale for 30% off...final price $38.50!

...found at my favorite thrift store...St. Vincent's. This store is always clean and organized and full of fun little treasures. Plus it has a little prayer room in case you need to do some soul searching while you are shopping. I actually spent sometime in prayer there this weekend.

The biggest adventure of the chair was fitting it into mini Bobbi and getting safely home.

Driving like a turtle down side streets - back was tied down with twine and shoelace.

Got it home and safely up the stairs.

Next was the big wall behind my desk. I was bored with the current frames that were just hanging there....so I went around my house and into my storage and got all of the frames that I owned and laid them out in a pattern on the floor.

Then after letting my neighbor know I was going to be banging on the wall all day long....I very purposefully and carefully hung this fun design! :-)

Steal: I found two frames on clearance at JoAnn Fabrics. Originally $24.99 - rang up at $.97 each!!

Then my most favorite re purposing...that still needs a bit of work...

Deal: package of ring hooks at Bed, Bath & Beyond for $7.99.

I took a red & gold Indian sari I've had for years....and attached my current curtains to the back of it (for some backing - with my western facing window I need dark curtains!).

Voila!

New pretty red silk curtains!

They need to be ironed and hemmed...but they are up!

That was my weekend of re-purposing.....my cat really got into it....he decided to re-purpose himself as a statue....as you can see he is versatile.

Statue version one.

Statue version two.

More time, more time!!!!

2010-06-03T07:58:00.006-05:00

Things I wish I could do simultaneously....

Work on this.....(can't say what it is - cause it's a gift)

Play with this....

Study and help this set of people...

Read these....

Live....here...

Here...

Here...

And here....

Rainbow's & Dreams

2010-05-30T12:45:00.007-05:00

Lately there is this fun trend in baking - creating colorful food!

This morning I decided I'd give it a try. Apparently my muffin pan really belonged to my former roommate, but that didn't stop me - I decided to try making rainbow mini-bundt cakes. As I got started I thought it would be fun to photograph every moment of the production - mostly a reason to play with my new lighting and my lovely camera. Below you will find the results of both the cooking and the photography.

These are most of the supplies needed. I realized after I'd dismantled this setup that I'd forgotten to include measuring spoons and my liquid measure. But here are the supplies just the same.

Mix of dry ingredients.

Cracking the egg. (This shot was very well timed and done without a tripod)

Mix of wet ingredients.

Mix it all together!

Separate into smaller bowls & add color.

Spoon the colors one at a time into the pans. I took a toothpick and just ran it in a couple different directions with one of them to see what the effect would be.

15 minutes in a pre-heated to 350 degree oven. I waited while knocking out a chapter and a cup of coffee on my pre-heated 90 degree patio.

Checking on them in the oven.

And Voila! you can see the funky toothpick designed one on the upper right hand corner. and then one cut so you can see all the fun pretty colors.

I took all of the remaining batter and made a normal sized "mini" bundt cake.

So these were pretty good for a first attempt, but I didn't really care for the batter recipe. So, I'm going to pull out my trusty yummy cake recipe and try again....stay tuned.

I pray for you when I run....

2010-05-29T22:04:00.004-05:00

I pray for you when I run -
For Grace to believe
For Hope set free
For Joy to be found
For Mercy received
For Lies to be bound
For Dreams fulfilled
For Pain dispelled
For Wounds yet healed
For Truth to be known
For Prodigal's return
For Faith for all.

I pray for you when I run
And as I do, I pray for me.

If trinkets could talk....

2010-05-28T16:52:00.010-05:00

I've spent the past few lunch hours and after work hours...wandering in and out of some fun antique & consignment shops.

I worked for an amazing decorator in college - one of my many jobs to work my way through school - I still came out in debt...but I digress.

So this decorator used to take me to all of these little junk shops, consignment stores and antique stores (pronounced Ant - y - q by me when a child, much to my mom's dismay)....and we would find all sorts of fun treasures to decorate people's homes...and mine.

Somewhere in the past few years I got out of the habit...but Iiiiii'mmmmm baaaaaaaaaack! :-)

I love to walk around in these stores and look at pretty things without the need to take them home. I think up fun stories about the people that used to own them and try to imagine the houses they were in and the fun previous lives they had. Oh, if bobbles and trinkets could talk...what stories they would tell....

My findings over the past few days....

Some beautiful vintage fabrics - stayed on the shelf I have no place to store them and no project in mind at this moment...but I know where they are!

Pretty little tray of broaches (what an awful word for such pretty baubles - seriously! put a "b" in front of "roach" and what instantly comes to mind...."pretty pins!")

I REALLY want to know the story behind this!! You KNOW it has a story!

This was the most amazing find! I LOVE getting mail...I don't get much personal mail anymore...but remember when checking the mail meant potential of finding a letter from a sweet friend or two. This would make the coolest cabinet ever! Oh to have the $2000 to purchase it....anyone want to donate to a great cause?

If you need a brand new coffee maker..I know where you can find a couple.

I couldn't resist sneaking a pic of this little girl who enjoyed flipping through some books while her mama shopped, she was so intent on each book - yet was definitely too young to be reading them. I hope she grows up to read and maybe even write books of her own....

A grown up reading nook....amazing collection of books...I'll be back to browse and buy.

My take home prize...a pretty basket big enough to hold all of my yarns...so many projects so little time....in fact...I'm off to work on one now.
ta ta

My Happy Place

2010-05-26T15:44:00.006-05:00

This was my day.... get into work - realize I have put the wrong call in number on my committee call. IMMEDIATELY send out a correction and call everyone to make sure they got the number...super hungry but also need to run errands...so decided to do both at target. Fill up my basket and realize I don't have my wallet. UGH!! Come back to eat my now warm yogurt....then my chairman of my committee doesn't get on because he didn't get the message that the number was wrong!!! So..........
I decided to go to my happy place....looking at photographs I or others have taken that take me to another world! I've decided to share a few...may they take you to a happy place of your own.

Two forms of transpo

2010-05-25T16:36:00.002-05:00

I'd like to own both of these one day.....

This looks like such a fun motorcyle. I don't think they are really meant for the city, but I'd love to own one and drive the country roads one day.

and I need a new bike. I haven't owned one in a while and I really miss riding it!

Clever words....

2010-05-24T21:17:00.002-05:00

I want to write clever words, and thoughts to entertain.
I want to write of some fun find, or some sweet love gained.
Instead a battle seems to rage, a struggle for my mind;
Of negative and angry thoughts, or more of the sad kind.

I lift my eyes up to the hills, hoping my Help to see.
But clouds cover the mountain top and a dense fog covers me.
I beg to trust through endless doubt, believe in Truth that's near;
I plead for guidance and for Faith though the way unclear.

I want to say cute words and quips; to make you smile and laugh.
But instead tonight I can simply pray and keep stumbling up the Path.

Learning new things

2010-05-19T23:37:00.004-05:00

I have found that in the past few years I have been remiss about learning new things. I used to love to learn new things, yet somehow I just stopped. I got jealous of the things that others could do but somehow did not feel that I could accomplish new things on my own. As one goes back and reads about my past few years and the struggles within - I think this lack of interest simply falls in with the person I was that I didn't like.

So - I've started changing that. I had a roommate who I personally think is brilliant, and I was constantly going to him and asking questions...How do I do this? How do I do that? He loved me enough to finally start answering "google.com"
Because of this ever frustrating answer, I've learned that google is my friend and my favorite words to start a google search "How To". Two little magic words that open up so many fun things to learn.
"How to strengthen your fingers to play guitar", "How to play G/F#m",
(now if I could find "how to create calluses painlessly" - ouch!)

"How to make a banner using Gimp software on a Mac",
(I made this)

"How to do a treble crochet stitch"
(I'm making this for a friend)

....those are just the one's I've done in the past two hours.
I'm learning again...and loving it!

And now I am going to learn to go to bed before midnight!! I'm out people....

P.s. what do you think of my new banner....

There's a longing in my heart....

2010-05-18T00:00:00.005-05:00

*Author's note: I started writing this on May 8, 2010. It has taken me 9 days to write it, because these women in my life were so incredible, so powerful, and so amazing, that emotion kept taking over and I had to pause to honor each one.

It's May the 8th. This year marks the 15th anniversary of the day I touched down on US soil to make it "home". I'd said goodbye to the place that held my heart. I'd packed up what I wanted to bring with me - given away the rest. I walked out of my little pink and white bedroom, drove away from my sweet house and dogs, tears poured down my face as I drove away from all my heart had known and loved for all the memories of my life.
There is a longing in my heart for that place. It never really goes away. The curse of being a Third Culture Kid. Where you love is most often a continent or an ocean away from where you are.
In Africa they say it takes a village to raise a child - I definitely had an amazing village. So today, on this 15th anniversary - and the day before Mother's day - I'd like to honor the mom's of the "village" of Eldoret.
My own mom, Pam Workman, it was the sensitivity to the Lord's calling on your heart at the tender age of 7 that put us in Africa in the first place. Thank you for your obedience to that calling. Thank you for loving me, for homeschooling me, for showing me the world through your eyes. Thank you for passionately loving Jesus, and for loving my dad. You are an example I can only hope to live up to; you are my hero. (there is a blog I wrote about her a few years ago - here - it all still applies.)
The rest of these women listed are not listed in a particular order - just as they come to mind today.
The mom's of the Church of Christ team.
Beth Cox, you are my first memory of this team. You loved me, and patiently taught me so much. I was so young and you were so loving. I remember our first furlough home, I was asked who my friends were, I told them my "best friend" was a CofC missionary lady - that went over well with our Baptist family I assure you. It taught me that differences didn't matter as long as we loved Christ. You taught me how to bake brownies from scratch, how to love children well, you let me love yours...the day you left Eldoret it broke my heart. So thankful that God moved in such a way that I still get to know who you are. Your children are beautiful and marvelous and I know they rise up and call you blessed.
Holly Conway, one of the sweetest women I have ever known. You, too, spent hours of time with me for no reason other than to pour into my life. You helped me plan my mom's surprise party for her 40th birthday. I remember we all went to tea at your house and you said "Today is a day of thanksgiving, and today we are thankful for Pam." You then lead everyone in going around and saying why they were thankful. Such a beautiful example - I've remembered that example for years and use it to honor friends in my own life. I love your boys...am happy to have Andrew as my friend and am so proud of him and his time at ACU...he is a reflection of your heart and love for Jesus.
Claudia Greek, you patiently and lovingly taught me how to sew and how to sign. I still do both occasionally. Your tender heart towards the world was such a loving example of how to see people. You saw the potential in everyone and I loved that about you. Your girls are beautiful...I am grateful that they are still in my life!
Donna Meeks, you always laughed with me. You saw joy in everything and you taught me how to do so as well. The sweet ways you loved Africans was so beautiful to me. Even now that is a memory I hold in my heart. Your children are incredible! What stunning young men and women they have and are growing up to be.
The other women of the Church of Christ team - you trusted me to babysit your children at such a young age....I adore each of them and am so thankful for the pouring of your lives into mine.
Deborah Williams - you ever so patiently taught me to "tickle the ivories." I cannot imagine the crowns of jewels that you earned while trying to teach me. Thank you! My heart and love of music is heavily influenced by you.
Trisha Nygaard, I still think of you every time I say the word "Bizarre". You taught me to laugh and love and that life was an adventure to be had. I remember when Brent was born, it was the first time I remember bursting into awestruck tears at the sight of a newborn. You laughed and cried with me and told me that was how it felt when babies were born. You loved me enough to let me experience that and make sure I knew it was okay to cry. Memories of you bring me so much joy.
Patty Bogart, you are some of my earliest memories. You always encouraged every imagination that Kim and I had. You taught me at a very young age to dream big dreams because of that encouragement. Thank you...that influences my life today.
Phyllis Stirewalt - you also are many of my earliest memories of Eldoret! I have experienced so much laughter with your sweet girls! I adore all of them, and am so glad we are still friends to this day!! I still randomly say "Well, floozy I guess!" It still makes me laugh out loud even if no one else gets it or thinks it is funny! Thank you for raising wonderful children.
Ms. Linda - You moved to town and brought me the friendship of your daughters. Your carefree and easy going manner always made me feel welcome and a part of your home. You laughed with us and quietly guided us away from the dangerous routes teenagers can take without us even knowing it till we looked back. You always listened and never judged. Thank you for loving us enough to do that. Your daughters are tremendous and I am so glad to call them friends.
Mama Rhoda - my mother's sweet friend - and my sweet African grandma. Your sweet spirit and easy laughter made my life one absolutely full of joy and light! Your love for Jesus in spite of all of your hardships was my first examples of living out the suffering spoken of in the gospel. Your "nothing can stand against me," go getter attitude taught me that nothing can stand in the way of my dreams.
Mama Jela - you are in the sweet presence of the Jesus tonight and I know you are so happy. You taught me how to love. I miss you. Thank you for investing your love for Him into my life. Your children are beautiful, they reflect the spirit of who you are - and the Jesus you loved. Alice Cheshire - in your home, I was one of your own. You gave me my Kalenjin name, Chepkimboi. I have some crazy memories of that house on the corner. I was not some mzungu child that was catered too...I was just as African as your kids. I was taught how to serve my elders, to be in presence of dignitaries, to serve those less fortunate than I was, to laugh, to love Jesus and to have fun. I still want to get married at Mokongi on the terrace that overlooks the hills one day. So much of my life is wrapped up in memories of you and yours. I love your children - so blessed to call them friends.
Sue Fort - how you must have wondered about this crazy American girl that brought noise and chaos to your world! I adored every moment in your presence whether it was playing tennis, working at the library, keeping golf scores, singing carols at Christmas or simply sitting with a drink and few stories on the porch. I loved your laughter, I can still hear it if I listen hard enough! Your children were my friends and I so enjoyed their sharing their holidays with me. You loved me and took me in as a lovely English auntie...I love you and am so thankful to God for you in my life.
Flick VanKaufmann - every memory of you makes my heart sing with joy. You were so patient with me and always had an ear for my stories and a kind word for my day. You are beautiful. There is a bit of quiet English calm in my tea loving soul - that is your influence in my life.
Ruth Fernandez, again, I have no idea how in the world you put up with me. You let me just pop in and out of your house whenever my heart desired. You shared your life with me and I love you.
Billu Gil - I love you so much more than you will ever know. My heart LONGS for your home....even now. I want tea made by you, Dad sitting next to me with tea bisquets. In your eyes and in your home I could do no wrong - that is because all I wanted was to please you. I can hear you calling my name from time to time - making me promise not to be "naughty". You taught me to cook yummy morsels and made me the daughter in your home. There are so many influential and admirable ways that you influenced me - till today - that words are not enough. I love your children like brothers and I promise to always take care of them.
Jindi - I was 7 - you came to my house - the first Indian woman I had ever met. I remember that day like it was yesterday. You were so beautiful - I wanted to be just like you. You had a son and you let us be friends. You had a daughter and you let us laugh together. You taught me how to cook....and then taught me how Pali liked it cooked just in case I ever needed to cook for him. You always cooked a special dish for me "without so many chilis" because you knew my poor little mouth couldn't take the hot...ha ha ha. Your sweet friendship to my mother and your wonderful ways you cared for your family influenced has my life for all of those years. I am who I am because of you.
Aunt Carol Koetz - You were and are one of the greatest influences in my life. I loved that you lived next door. You taught me how to have a servant's heart (one I can only dream of living up to one day).....that there was always room for more around the table....that faith was simple and strong....that Christ was enough. In so many ways I feel your spirit in my life...in the way I cook, the way I worship, the way I love others. My life is completely changed because you were in it.
As I write this my mind can see clearly the homes that are represented. The homes, the faces, the streets of that sweet place & these incredible women. I am sure that in my fuzzy memories I have forgotten someone. There were so many that loved this little crazy white girl in this little African town. I had African, Indian, British and American mama's & aunties. They loved me, they prayed for me, they laughed with me and they patiently helped form the person I am today. They came from all walks of life, religions and cultural differences and made up the people that I call family.
My heart longs for you today, sweet ladies....it prays for you daily...that you will know an experience the love of Christ. I long to sit and have a cup of tea, to help you in the kitchen, to play with your children, to go back and relive each moment of love that I experienced at the mercy of your hands.
On this month of honor to mothers - I honor you. There are not adequate enough words to describe who you are to me...this is my humble attempt.

Thank you for being my "village". I promise to do my best make you proud.

A morning of thoughts

2010-05-12T06:56:00.002-05:00

My friend Laura Stephens (who writes the most beautiful blogs), has recently taken to just typing out thoughts as they come to her. This morning all of the thoughts tumbling around in my head are just begging to come out and be heard....so I thought I'd do the same thing.

I want to be in Africa....I miss my brother already and he is not yet on the plane.....I absolutely love the purple petunia that has bloomed....why haven't the rest of them bloomed....Coffee - in the top three of God's creations...right after oceans and stars....and most days, before humans....there is a dog down stairs....I can hear the collar tags...Paddington be quiet. UGH, I need to get him to a training class. I am in desperate need of a mani/pedi. I hate that I can't do as good a job on myself as the cute little Vietnamese do...

My brain is alert this morning....yea for vitamins....please let this be the answer and let the normalcy continue. I need to look on IKEA for a bed. I thought I wanted the iron one but want to be double sure. I love the way my apartment looks without the clutter of a table. Purging of stuff has not been so bad at all.

The sound of the cars on the tollway, kind of sound like the ocean in the distance. I wish the ocean was as close as the tollway. Brother is probably boarding right now....I'd give anything to be on the plane with him. God, one day will you let my heart and body dwell in the same place? They've been separated for so long. Picasso always looks like he is posing for some kitty model search....maybe he is.

My fingers are sore from guitar....Lord, would you make my little hand stronger. I wonder if there are exercises for finger flexibility....finger yoga! yes! must google. I love google -

It's been way too long since I was on a plane anywhere....I have so many friends to visit, but I think I'd like to get on a plane and just go somewhere....just me....put that on my goal poster. London - *sigh...I need me some Billu & Chuchi. Mmmmm Indian food.....

I need to get up and be productive. Make my bed...clean the bathroom....laundry. I'm out!

An April Ramble....

2010-05-03T17:46:00.008-05:00

I flipped the calendar this morning from April to May - but before I did I just stood there and looked at all the month of April had held....

A day of fools....a Friday they say is good....an early Easter dinner on a Saturday night with my family...my aunt's cooking, my papa's laughter, fun conversation around the table

...an Easter lunch on Sunday with friends - One from the past, one from the present and one just made that day...an Easter Sunday that ended in celebration of the Cross, the blood shed, a resurrection full of Hope that gives me life today...

Sunday's to worship with the Village, Monday's of Mary Kay
Massages, lunches with friends,
my friend's playing good music
,
my first ride in a pedicab,

prayer with the Elders, my first guitar lesson,
...my sweet god-daughter turning 1...
.
a dentist appointment...
blue bonnets
.
...Taxes...A brother celebrated another year...my dad did too.
A symphony, a painting, a play - all enjoyed with friends I love.
Ending with Day 1 of Road Rules 2010 with the Village Church!

That was just the stuff on my calendar. Someday someone may find this calendar, and look at the words and think nothing of them. But there were days of laughter, days of fun, days of tears and sadness as well, days when I doubted, days when I rejoiced, days when I was lonely, & days overwhelmed by the love of friends. For every minute of every day I am thankful...now onto May!

Mediocrity and the destruction of it....

2010-04-12T20:09:00.002-05:00

So, one thing that I really don't enjoy or like about myself is the lack of going the distance. Most things come relatively easy to me so rather than excel in them I choose to be "just ok" and move on to the next adventure.
This past few years of my life I've gone from that being the norm and ok - to that being the norm and really ticking me off. I am not ok with being mediocre and so I've set out to change that.

Six months ago - I set some goals. I've accomplished several of them, but there were some key ones that I set that I missed the mark on. So - I'm reseting them.

Today is the beginning of 9 weeks of discipline. Now discipline can sound so negative and derogatory, but really it is freeing in so many aspects....and I am excited to explore who I am as I really crunch down and push past the "just ok".

I am setting goals in four areas.

Spiritually - while I have come a long way in the past six months - now that I understand who I am in Christ and have a deeper desire to learn of Him - I am making myself truly accountable to friends who know me and who love me enough to walk me through the hard times and show me some tough love if necessary.

Physically - I am just weak here. (pun not really intended) I am good at running for a couple of days and then slacking off...going to the gym and then getting too busy....starting to train for something and then making excuses why I can't. Well truth be told - I am tired of being a size 10. Some of you are gasping right now, for some - you dream of being a 10, while others can't believe I am that big. Wherever you are in the gamut of that I love you exactly where you are. But I don't really love me. I am not incredibly fond of who I am in this area - and I am just putting it out there.

Mentally - I am VERY lazy in this area. I am smart...yes I am confident in that area....and because I am smart I don't try. I learn only what I want to learn and read what I want to read, rather than stretching myself to learn something new and different and WAY outside my comfort zone.

And Business-ly - I have a very successful Mary Kay business that I play at. It works for me when I work, and when I "don't feel like it" I don't work. One of the goals I failed to accomplish by April was to be 100% credit card debt free. If I had set my mind to it, this would have been so easy - but I wanted to play. No more! Look out world!

As I write down my actual goals in these areas - I am going to share them some here on this blog (one of those goals is to write and blog more) I am going to share my really amazing days, and I am going to share my super crappy I don't want to do it anymore days.

I am excited - I've got accountability set in place - ready to love me, to encourage me and to kick me in the pants. ha!

If you are the encouraging sort - I'll take all of it I can get. If you are the praying kinda - I'll take as much of that as you want to give me. If you are a negative Nelly - then remember I WAS disciplined enough to earn a black belt in martial arts and I will kick you in the head - negativity can get out of my way!

I am excited, nervous, determined and cannot wait for June 7th to see exactly where this fun adventure takes me!

Join me if you dare.....

Pondering dreams & goals today....

2010-04-09T14:14:00.003-05:00

This poem (one of my favorites) continues to run through my head

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood
and sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveller, long I stood
and looked down one as far as I could
to where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
and having perhaps the better claim
because it was grassy and wanted wear;
though as for that, the passing there
had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
in leaves no feet had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I --
I took the one less travelled by,
and that has made all the difference

-Robert Frost

You won't believe it....

2010-03-16T08:23:00.004-05:00

Habakkuk 1:5
Look at the nations and watch—
and be utterly amazed.
For I am going to do something in your days
that you would not believe,
even if you were told.

How powerful is this verse. I listen to talk radio and hear debate after debate about this party and that party and this agenda and that agenda. While I definitely have opinions on all of these things, I am made to pause with this verse.

In the verses that follow the Lord explains to Habakkuk how that he is going to allow the Chaldeans to take over and rule over Isreal. He explains that they are a nasty, vile and violent people and He is just going to let it happen...because He was doing something.

So often we are deceived by the current tele-evangelist, or popular messaging of our day that if we just live right, if we just do this, if we just have faith that everything good will head our way. But that is just not been the case historically or bibilically. Sometimes - He allows the bad into our lives for His purpose that we cannot see.

I think the last part of verse 5 is what strikes me the most. "Even if I told you - you wouldn't believe it". His ways are so exponentially higher than our ways, that even if we had knowledge of what He was up to...we would not believe it. Amazing

It's out of my hands....

2010-03-12T09:01:00.002-06:00

I am studying in Ephesians right now - I wasn't too sure when I first started the study...but I am now loving it. What is striking to me is the amount of times that the phrase "according to" or "in accordance with" shows up in this book.

"According to the good pleasure of His will" "According to the riches of His grace." "According to his good pleasure", "According to the purpose of Him who worketh all things after the counsel of His own will", "According to the working of His mighty power", - and that is just chapter one! What I am learning from that is that it is not "according to" ME at all....it is His will, His Grace, His mercy, His power, His might, His purposes that were designed before the foundation of the world....and I have been chosen by Him to be a receipient of that.

There are days like today when I wake up and can rest totally in that. Then there are days like yesterday...when I wanted all control and rest and trust where something I had to wrestle against my own self to attain.

Oh that I might learn to have more days like today.

Honest Confessions of a Struggling Journey

2010-01-17T08:38:00.007-06:00

I refuse to live the remainder of my life where I am right now, stagnating at this point. - Francis Chan

Reading these words filled my heart with several conflicting emotions. A longing to live up to them, a thankfulness that my heart had already cried them three years ago and an angst that I had almost forgotten them.

It has taken me a long time to get to this point - willing to share what is truly in my heart. This blog will be rather raw - a surprising confession to some and hopefully encouraging to others who find themselves where I have been.

I want to say something right up front before I start this story - just in case you don't get to the end. I have lived so many lies that I did not realize were lies, and hurt so many of you with them in my 33 years.

For those I have hurt along the way I confess to you an apology & ask that you might forgive me. I was not honest with myself for so long - so how could I be honest with you? I promise to do my best, with God's help, to be honest and open from now on and pray that God would use my struggles to bring you closer to Him.

The story begins on a freezing, iced over night in January 2007....
the weekend of my thirtieth birthday, I found myself sitting at the feet of a woman who loves me deeply and who I trusted to confess the true state of my heart. I sat weeping almost uncontrollably as I confessed to her that I didn't really know who God was, wasn't sure I cared, and had no idea how to get to know Him better if I did care. I had lived a life of doing the "God thing" because I was the granddaughter of two pastors and the daughter of a missionary. I was supposed to believe in God. I knew how to talk to the talk, walk the walk and deceive everyone around me into thinking I was this amazing Godly kid.

At 30, I was simply a walking lie.

At 30, I really had no desire to participate in a life that I was finding to be mundane and joyless - even though others around me seemed to be finding joy within it. I did not get it. What drove them to study the Bible - I found it so extremely boring (especially since I knew it all anyway). What drove them to serve - I did it for the purely selfish reason of being noticed and admired. What drove them to sacrifice - I was just trying to get by on my own and wasn't sure about giving till it hurt.

At 30, I was an empty shell, doing the hobby of Christianity - doing what Christians did, saying what Christians say, walking in my own strength, fooling everyone into thinking I was an amazing Godly woman.

That night, instead of looking on me with horror, pulling out her Bible to cast out all of the demons in me, condemning my actions and judging my parents (a very real pride-filled fear of mine) for somehow failing in their raising of me - this amazing woman simply held me like a child. She cried with me, she held my hands and let me know that it was perfectly ok to not be ok, she didn't try to have all the right words, she simply loved me right where I was in that moment.

That confession that night began a very long, treacherous, journey over the past three years. I'd like to say that night I was instantaneously set free from the fake life I was living and everything was all better. That I started living an authentic life rather than a lie, that I began to be real and vulnerable rather than fake and proud, but that is sadly not the case - I have a hard head and sometimes it takes a long time for me to learn.

After that sweet time of confession - I went right back to living exactly how I had been for another year. Pursuing the empty false "pleasures" of life and being completely miserable. Putting on the face I thought everyone wanted to see. I know that those of you who have known me, or those who follow this blog may think "What miserable? - I never saw that." I can only say that I had become and expert at masking who I was on the inside. I went to church, blogged about the amazing things God was doing in my life, began to lead a bible study and a prayer ministry, showed my "sweet angelic" face to the world - yet inside I was hollow. I didn't believe most of the stuff I was dishing out and I was about as deep as a tide pool at low tide.

This went on till October of 2008. I looked up in the midst of yet another change in my life and realized I did not like me. In fact, I pretty much hated myself. I hated who I was, I hated the game I was playing with a God I wasn't sure I believed in, and I had few real friends - as the people I surrounded myself with were toxic co-dependent taking up space relationships that were literally sucking the life out of me slowly and steadily. I spent hours in front of the television watching fake lives and wishing they were my own, but had no desire to go make one for myself. "How could people like me if I was such a loser and didn't even like myself", was my constant thought. I wanted OUT! I- me- the REAL ME! - the girl inside was screaming to be found. "Stop ignoring me." - she would cry to my fake self, "Stop trying so hard and just let me out - its ok."
And the dark night - got darker.

Over the next few months, I made some very difficult decisions regarding the people I called "friend". I thought that would be the answer - get rid of the life sucking relationships in my life - find new ones - and things would be better. Oh my silly naive self - hadn't I tried this a few dozen times already in life.

The good part of that decision was getting rid of the bad relationships. However, as I looked around I didn't know how to "get new ones". So, I was lonely and my heart ached for companionship that I couldn't seem to find.

I got rid of my TV. This was an amazing step in my life because it was fun to watch the reactions of people when I said "I don't have a TV." No one was quite sure what I did with all of the time that I now had on my hands - and to be honest at first I didn't either.

I started being honest with myself. I looked in the mirror and saw a person that acted selfless to get praise, who was "proudly" humble, and had no idea who God was. So I stopped the lies. I stopped acting selfless yet actually being selfish and began to question my motives before acting out. (Amazingly this helped me stay out of a few more codependent "friendships" that tried to creep back in). I looked at those that I know that truly walk in humility and began to watch the characteristics of their lives so that I could begin to live that out truthfully. I decided to "get to know God".

I came face to face with the fact that though I had proclaimed God as King for virtually all of my life, I, in fact, was only mimicking words and beliefs of others. I began to walk through very dark nights of the soul where I battled and wrestled with whom and what I believed. Again, even looking back at my blogging during this time - so few of you would know this because I am good at wearing the mask. I am good at putting on the appropriate face and using the correct vocabulary for whatever the current situation is. I'd been doing it all of my life.

At this point I finally got "honest" enough to stop leading at church. If I didn't know if I believed then I probably shouldn't be teaching others.

First - Jesus - who is this guy? I know what I had been taught, but I wasn't so sure. So I started in Matthew and began to read the New Testament just as I would read any other book. What I found - Jesus is a whole lot different than what my mind knew to be "truth". I found someone who didn't condemn the poor for being poor - He LOVED them. He didn't judge the prostitute, whore, tax collector, drunkard, thief, crippled, different, ignorant, unfaithful, doubting, broken, seeking yet so far away person....He LOVED them. As I looked closer the ones that Jesus condemned looked a lot like me. The shallow, glory stealing, religious zealot who acted like he knew it all but in reality knew very little and simply judged the rest of the world because of his selfish pride. In fact, the Jesus of the Bible would most likely walk into 98% of our church buildings here in the west and either start "cleaning up the temple", turn and walk away in shame of those that say they follow him, or be turned away at the door for not looking like he belonged there. With this reality check came some seriously dark nights. I didn't want to be this person any more. I battled, I struggled, I studied, I doubted, I cried, I yelled, I talked to those who loved me enough to meet me right where I am. More and more I began to agree with Donald Miller's statement - The more I trust Christ with redemption, the less I'm impressed with religious zeal and posturing.
I simply fell in love with Jesus, because He is so in love with me - and He is enough. It took me so long to be able to say that and mean it - I'd said it for so long with no meaning - HE IS ENOUGH.
In every question, every moment of doubt,fear, anxiety, unbelief, untruth I was living in - He was there - He was/is the answer, assurance, joy, peace, belief and Truth.

Where I am now....
This year (past three years really) has been a long, rough journey. I have gone to the darkest moment of my life and screamed out to just know Truth if there was any out there. I have battled depression, anxiety, and fear of Truth. I have doubted the God of my childhood and questioned things I have never let myself question before. In early fall, I had an amazing 4 hour conversation with a friend that I love dearly who lives as an agnostic and very much liked his way of thinking - yet found that when I walked in that direction I found no Hope and Joy in a lack of a God - rather I found paralyzing fear in trusting in my own wisdom. When I sought Him I found Him just as He promised I would. I have come face to face with the God of the Bible and decided for myself -not because I am a ministry kid or church goer - but truly for myself what I believe and how that lines up with my life.

In this journey I have come to sweet moments of Grace. In studying I have found promises I never knew existed and in living I have found a God that lives up to them in ways that I did not expect. I have been surrounded - not of my own seeking out of them but by God's grace - by Godly people who love me exactly where I am. I have been given friends - real friends - the kind you can call at 3 in the morning because you are sad and you just need to talk. I have learned how to be vulnerable and honest. At one point I went to my pastor and said - I don't know about all of this God stuff - and he loved me enough to say I have been there, I know exactly where you are and it sucks. Those were the words I need to hear! Perhaps no one else heard the Hope in them - but here was a man who had walked as an agnostic for so long - came to Christ - and even after coming to Christ battled the darkness of the soul. That he was honest about that rather than condemning towards me was a picture of Christ to my soul.

I know more of who I am, and I like her. I am still battling pride, learning to trust, heartbroken over my own actions at times, still broken in so many ways. But I am learning that He never gets tired of my brokenness - He is patient and loving and willing to heal me if I am willing to stop trying to control it all and let Him do His perfect Work.

As for you, my friends - my heart's cry is that this spoke to you in some way wherever you may be on your own journey. That my battle would ease some of your own doubts. If you are walking where I have walked that you would simply keep walking towards Truth. I know that some read this and think, "Three years that is all? I've been battling for so much longer." The truth is - so was I - I was just not honest enough to say so.

I love you more than you know - honestly.

Almost Christmas

2009-12-24T15:41:00.004-06:00

Almost Christmas....
Can't believe how my life has changed this year. Part of New Year goals is to get back to this blog...get back to writing in general actually. And recently made a promise to Jack Bauer that I would - and well for anyone who has watched 24 - one knows not to mess with Jack.

For now, Merry Christmas to all....

Dear Blog

2009-07-29T13:13:00.002-05:00

Please don't think I don't love you anymore, I just need some time to process the thoughts that are constantly running through my head.

I'll be back soon,
Amanda

my love for You

2009-06-12T08:59:00.003-05:00

this is how i love You
i obey Your commmands
to love Truth and love justice
and my fellow man
to steady to weak
and the hungry to feed
that Christ might be honored
and with me be pleased

for this is the love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love i have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

this is how i love You
giving as i've received
the blessings You've lavished
to others in needto care for the poor
to free the oppressed
to stand for the orphan
and the widow to bless
if I have not love then i truly have nothing at all

here now is love
the love You have shown
and to love i must echo
the love I have known
so i will be faithful
to love as required
a love shown by obedience
Lord i'll be obedient

God did

2009-06-01T08:47:00.002-05:00

There is a cute little tune, with a catchy little rhythm, with words that speak to the goody two shoes I used to be. All of my life I have been in an inner battle to live how other people wanted me to live and be who others wanted me to be.

In the journey of the past couple of years when I have begun to peel off the dead and dying parts of me that really should have never been there in the first place. To remove from me a skin that was covering up the who of me and the truely coming to terms with the inner parts that have been crying for years to be recognized and brought to the forefront. Who I am growing and moving towards now is who I have always wanted to be, and the more I am allowing myself to "just be" and to grow; the deeper my heart finds dwelling within the God of the universe.

But what I am also finding is that God is so much different than who I ever imagined Him to be. The ways in which He loves me and shows that love towards me are in tune and rhythm with things that make my heart beat...rather than against it, as I have so long battled. Nature, pleasure, music, dance, the fullness of life are not a contridiction to Him, but rather a flow of sacred rhythm that comes out of Him, for my good and His glory. This realization has formed a new awareness in me to the world around me. Things that I appreciated before; I now cherish and desire to know more about. I am not made to live under the law, I am made to live in fullness of life.

So this catchy tune by some guys called "Shane & Shane", I referenced at the beginning of this rambling, has some powerful words that resonate with my heart and thoughts on this Monday morning:

Growin’ up I overheard
All the grown ups sayin’
You better be prayin’
And sayin’
All the right little things
At the right little times
And I had it down
At least on the outside

I’d put my best side forward
I could smile with the best
And dress like the rest
Of the messed up church folk singin’ a song

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Could it be that morality
Got the best of you and me
Got us thinking
That we’re on the brink
Of a drink of the cup that’s all filled up
With the cross havin’ even a little to do with us
It was His day
It was His way

To the glory of His grace
Took our disease
Enough to please
The Father of lights
To bruise Jesus

Maybe do’s and don’ts
Were made to show
How much we do
And don’t ever make it

Are you sitting down
With all your sin and shame all stored up
Are you ready to live
For what the law could not do
God did

Sacrificial Obedience

2009-05-14T10:07:00.004-05:00

Genesis 22:1-10
1. After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, "Abraham!" And he said, "Here am I." 2. He said, "Take your son, your only son Isaac, whom you love, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I shall tell you." 3. So Abraham rose early in the morning, saddled his donkey, and took two of his young men with him, and his son Isaac. And he cut the wood for the burnt offering and arose and went to the place of which God had told him. 4.On the third day Abraham lifted up his eyes and saw the place from afar. 5.Then Abraham said to his young men, "Stay here with the donkey; I and the boy will go over there and worship and come again to you." 6.And Abraham took the wood of the burnt offering and laid it on Isaac his son. And he took in his hand the fire and the knife. So they went both of them together. 7.And Isaac said to his father Abraham, "My father!" And he said, "Here am I, my son." He said, "Behold, the fire and the wood, but where is the lamb for a burnt offering?" 8. Abraham said, "God will provide for himself the lamb for a burnt offering, my son." So they went both of them together.
9.When they came to the place of which God had told him, Abraham built the altar there and laid the wood in order and bound Isaac his son and laid him on the altar, on top of the wood. 10.Then Abraham reached out his hand and took the knife to slaughter his son.

This passage of scripture has come back to my mind over and over again this past week. Having grown up in the church, I have heard this story in Sunday School, in lessons, in sermons...but this week God showed it to me in a different way.

Abraham's sacrificial obedience....God said "Abraham go kill your son." Abraham did not question, "Are you sure?", he did not run to his friends to ask their opinion of what God had said, he did not spend time in counsel with his priest, or even ask his wife. The scriptures say, the next morning, he got up, gathered the supplies to do what God had asked of him, and he started out, he walked up the mountain, he built the altar, he bound his son, and raised the knife.

My battle this week has been learning to walk in that sort of obedience. I am pretty selfish. I want what I want; and what I do not want I will find a way out of. So when God asks me to do something that I do not necessarily like at that moment....even with the head knowledge that is for my good and His glory....what is my response? I will confess that rarely (if ever) has my response been to get up the next morning and get to it. Rather I usually go round and round and analyze and try to find the logic, seek the counsel of friends and godly men and women, then if I can find no way around it...I will obey God.

Now I am not saying to never seek the counsel of another, but there are some circumstances in which cousel is not needed because the voice of God is loud and clear as to what it is He is asking me to do.

So this week I have had to learn a very difficult lesson of sacrificial obedience. Learning to raise the knife on the thing I love and desire, with faith that according to His promise there will be a "ram in the thicket" that will be revealed in God's perfect timing, within His perfect will. My walk of obedience is not to look for this ram, to seek all possible alternatives, it is simply to in faith, gather the supplies for what He has asked of me, to walk up the mountain, build the altar, bind that which He has called me to sacrifice, and raise the knife.

Frustration, Pride and Fear

2009-04-24T12:34:00.004-05:00

I get so frustrated when I cannot write what is in my head. My thoughts are thinking it, my subconcious is turning it over and over and keeping me from soundly sleeping, my prayers are even directed towards it. But what IS 'it'?

About a year ago I stopped being able to truly share what was on my heart in words on a page (especially a blogging page). I look back over the past few years that I have written and cannot seem to find a time when this has been an issue before so why now.

In part, I believe that God is doing a work in me that I just do not want to share with the world yet. Sometimes things that are going on in my heart and mind are not quite figured out and I don't want to have to defend them to anyone as I am just figuring out how to defend them in myself.

Another theory, is that my life just seems mundane. I am a wandering soul, always looking for the next adventure. My previous writings have been deep thoughts conjured up on short journeys, or tales of my adventures...and, well, those types of adventures have been rather non-existent in the recent past.

Then there is the intimidation factor. I have incredibly creative friends and relatives who write words that I love to drink in, and my words have seemed simply inadequate in comparison -quite probably due to the two afore mentioned reasons.

But reality is, the basis of all three and the truth behind it all is fear and pride. Such ugly little words, such ugly feelings, and so completely demoralizing.

Fear - What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more? What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane? What if I am....??

Pride - the irony here is while these thoughts might appear to be "humble" they are really just prideful. Why is there any assumption that my words are more than mere entertainment, and that anyone but those that love me most choose to read them anyway. Why would any of this have any affect on my worth?

I remember when I started this blog three years ago and wrote the words " Sometimes I am deep and sometimes I am shallow....either way...I am still me. I put up words for others to read...if you like them say so...if you don't that is fine too...they are still my words, still my feelings, still me."

So here is my confession, some where along the way I lost the value and meaning behind that statement. My pride started caring what others thought and in the journey to rediscover me I somehow missed this particular attack of the enemy. So I am reclaiming those words, I am going to write....my words may be silly and shallow, or I may take on something I am trying to figure out....I am trepidatiously (is that even a word?) going to put myself back out there.

Going back to those feelings of fear...those "what ifs?"

What if someone reads my words and wants to debate them and I do not know how to respond? Then I will honestly say, this is something I am working through and while I love your input I am not yet ready to defend or debate my thoughts just yet....and they will respect that answer...they are my friends.

What if my friends read my thoughts and heart feelings and decide they do not want to be friends any more? Then they were never truely friends to begin with and they can go fly a kite! What if my words prove that my life is as trite as I might think it is, and I am more than just mundane? Then they will be more of a motivation to step out into the adventure.

What if I am....?? What if I am not?!?

So thoughts, feelings, words on a page....the adventure begins again. Fear - still there - but this time prodding me to do better. Pride - only in the fact that He who began a good work in me is FAITHFUL to complete it.

Come as a child

2009-03-16T11:37:00.002-05:00

There is this man that stole my heart the first time I met him....he was 3!

He has this deep brown eyes, that speak volumes, this quirky "innocent" smile that assures you there is something going on in that brain of his and he is weighing the consequences to see if he should do it or not, and this astounding wisdom that is amazingly distinct and precise and no nonsense for one so young.

We (his family and friends) call him "Fish". You can read more about the "Fish-isms" on my friend K's blog. She is the mom so has the "rights" to the words that come from him. However, I have taken snippet of one of her latest blog to paste here, because it is so Fish and such an example to who we all should be.

He and K were going over some of the lessons he is learning for his upcoming first communion.

"We brought up the idea that we can thank God in our quiet times with Him. I asked Fish if he ever talks to God.
He replied, " Yep, at night when I am trying to go to sleep!"
I then asked him what kinds of things he talks about with God.He replied, "Well... we just play Rock, Paper, Scissors"
...I said, "WHAT?! Ok, Fish, so who wins?"
To which his answer was, "Uh, mom? He does! Remember, He knows my thoughts, so He already knows what I am going to do, so He always wins!""

This was so cute, but rather than just laughter this also brought tears to my eyes. HE gets it. This is such a beautiful example for each of us the verse that talks about having the faith of a child. (Mark 10:15, Luke 18:17) Fish as a child has the faith to know that God already knows, so what does he have to worry about? He sees God as a friend and a Father and trusts and relies on Him fully. My prayer for this little man who captures my heart so often is that these truths that he is so poinantly aware of at this young age will remain with him as he grows up in this world that so often tries to tell us differently.

As for me, that I would work hard to continue my pursuit of childlike faith. Not just the principles of faith that I learned as a child, but the true meaning behind childlike faith....that I would stop trying to control my world, but rather have the faith like a child that God is leading me to through the Holy Spirit. That I would remember as Fish has so sweetly reminded me that "He already knows it...so what do I have to worry about."

Love you Fish....

I love the love....

2009-02-27T16:20:00.002-06:00

I have the greatest examples of love in my pastoral family. I love the way the men adore and pursue their women and how the women adore and pursue right back. Don't get me wrong I know that they have their issues...and that every day is not a fairy tale...(I know this because they are open and honest about it!)

I look back over my life at the times I settled for who was right there in front of me. While I don't regret a single relationship I have ever had I can say that I am so thankful that they were only seasons in my life.

I will no longer settle....I know who I am (and I like her in case I haven't mentioned that lately) and what my heart cries out for....

So, Chandlers, Bleekers, Pattersons, Hardins, Lewis(s), Barkers, and the rest of my married pastoral staff....thank you for loving each other and living out that love in example to the rest of us singles. My prayer for each of you daily is that God hedges your families with protection, and that your love for each other grows!

A new day....new mercies

2009-02-26T07:37:00.003-06:00

I have a vision poster on my bulletin board...it has words and phrases cut out from magazines and helps me focus in on things that I forget to think about. I have another one that just has verses of scripture.

At the top of one of them it says "Who are you today?" Followed by words of truth about myself. I see this when I first wake up in the morning, and then as I walk into my bathroom I see a sticky note on my mirror that says "Mediocrity or World Change...Your choice - have a great day!"

The verses of scripture that are currently up for me to see (they change from time to time) revolve around faith.

Hebrews 11:6 - Without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that He exists and that He rewards those that earnestly seek Him.

Galatians 5:6 - The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

I John 5:4 - Everyone born of God overcomes the world. This the victory that has overcome the world even our faith.

Numbers 23:19 - God is not a man that he should lie, or a son of man, that he should change his mind. He has said, and will He not do it? Or has He spoken, and He will not fulfill it?

II Corinthians 3:16-18 " But when one turns to the Lord, the veil is removed. now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is there is freedom. And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is Spirit."

These are words and phrases that I have put around to keep my mind focused on where it should be. Yet still so often I fail. So often I still go off into fantasy land thinking, "life would be so much better if", or into the land of worry, "Where will I be tomorrow, where is God taking me", or into the valley of disgruntlement (not even sure if that is a word but it is for sure a place), "Why am I only this far along in my life, and why do I seem to never get any farther?"

These words...lies...that often fill my head are so dangerous. Where is the voice of Truth in any of that? One time a comedian that I enjoy called worry "future-tripping", and said when you go "future tripping" you go to a place that doesn't exist, and God cannot dwell in a place that does not exist.

So, my confession this morning is that I have been future tripping. I have been wandering in the land of "what if", worrying about tomorrow, focusing on what I cannot control, rather than holding fast and leaning in to the One who is totally in control. Only He can turn my dreams into reality. I want to be where He is so that my Joy may increase.

One of the phrases on my board says "every day brings a chance to start over", on the board with scripture a verse I have says "His mercies are new every morning." So today, is a chance to start over once again. To focus my heart on Him. To put my trust fully in the God of the universe and stop trying to run the universe myself. Imagine the possibilities!!

A Fantastic Month!

2009-02-11T12:32:00.006-06:00

Its been a while since I blogged. Not really for lack of trying…as I have started several blogs and then stopped as the words I was writing simply seemed trite.

I have promised blogs about my time in Africa and England, and I guess I’ll get to those when I finish processing what is mine and what is ok to share with the world of bloggers. But photos can now been seen here.

I think that is how I feel about a lot that is going on in my life right now. For the first time in many many years I like who I am. I am not pretending. I am not trying to be something for someone, or to act a certain way so that I will be liked by a certain group. I am simply myself. I am open, honest (probably to a fault) and unapologetic about myself. I LIKE me! This has been a very long time coming because for so long I tried so hard to please everyone else and not realizing that in the process I was losing parts of me.

I had the very best January I ever remember! In October of last year I started making some changes in my life. I started truly evaluating who I was, what I didn’t like about myself and what I was going to have to do change it. Some of that was written out in blogs along the way, and some was much more private and was just me and God one on one. The process is on going of course and has not been easy.

First, I had to sit down and do some serious evaluating of different relationships in my life…who did I want to be there and who did I not want. Purging oneself of others that weigh you down is not always easy. Why was I spending so much time, effort and emotion on people that were not bringing me more of Him? Was I going to spend my whole life being a rescuer? Or was I finally going to make the choices that needed to be made and be a mentor? This decision while easy enough on paper, was/is very difficult in real life and can be confusing and hurtful for both parties when “friendships” have to come to an end.

However, the happier side of that is I also made some choices about who I wanted to invest my life in! This meant actual planning. Funny how that works. I plan out the rest of my life, everything is on my calendar, even my time with God and my gym time. If I don’t plan for it, it just doesn’t happen. But somehow I was expecting friendships and the investment into them to just happen spontaneously. Phone calls always ended with “We’ve got to get together soon”, but never a plan on when “soon” was…resulting in another 6 months without seeing or spending quality time with each other. So when I returned from my holiday time overseas, I placed a series of phone calls, and put those that I love and desire to see on the calendar. I saw friends that I have been wanting to see for ages, caught up on their lives, laughed and cried, and took pictures!

I also sat down with each of them and put more dates on the calendar so that we already have our next time together planned. This resulted in a fantastic January full of friends and MUCH less time alone on the couch watching TV that will not improve my life one iota!

I also have worked very hard to get procrastination out of my life. I found a quote that said that “procrastination is a way for us to be satisfied with second-rate results.” What a wake up call! I procrastinate about silly things…the water bottles on my desk, in my car, and around my apartment are very good examples of this. Drink the water or use it for another purpose; do not leave it sitting for days on end. This should not be hard. But it is the little things that lead to the bigger things and so habits of procrastination are born and raised up strong. So I started making myself do things like “take my jacket out of my car and upstairs and hang it in the closet” AMAZING – car is cleaner and so is apartment. (and jacket is much easier to locate it when I need it). January became a much more discipline and organized month!

One other thing that I did that was different and fun for me this year was I spent my birthday money on what I wanted rather than on bills. I am really bad at spending money on myself. I just always think it will be so much better for my bottom line of school loans, etc if I put the money towards that. This has held true for years, but this year I had genuine wants/needs and that extra money came to good use! I finally bought the George Foreman Grill that I wanted …I am very much in love with it!

Plus after several trips to Ikea (where God blessed me with some GREAT sales) I am proud/happy to say my apartment finally looks more like a place where someone lives rather than a temporary dwelling.

January was indeed great! I am looking forward to a fantastic year, continual self discovery with God’s help, and spending lots and lots of time with those that I love!!!

A new president

2009-01-20T09:40:00.000-06:00

I was reading Beth Moore's blog this morning and it so shared my heart feelings right now that I thought I would copy it.

"I can't think of anything more appropriate and more Biblical than reserving this day on our blog for heart-felt prayers for our new president and his family. You are welcome to write your genuine words of intercession as a comment to this post just as you'd lift them before the Throne of Grace for President and Mrs. Obama and their two precious daughters. Today it makes no difference how anyone voted. God in His sovereignty has appointed this day and our new president needs our prayers. "This is good, and pleases God our Savior." 1 Timothy 2:1-3."

I am also spending time in prayer for the Bush's today. How bittersweet this day must be for them. Again no matter what your politics or how you chose to vote, He and Laura served this country for 8 years. A job I would not want that is for sure! For the sacrifices and leadership of a great man I am thankful.

Where is home?

2009-01-15T15:33:00.005-06:00

I'm back....home. After being....home.

I looked forward to Africa with MUCH excitement! When I booked the tickets in July, I literally drove my office crazy with the announcement every hour, and stopped just short of turning cartwheels in the halls!

As time wore on, my excitement did not dwindle, but was put to the side as responsibility took over, work piled on and the normal every day demands of life weedled their way back in. The last two weeks before I got on the plane were a flurry of last minute shopping, wrapping up projects, preparing both work and home for my three week absence, and trying to see everyone that needed to be seen before I left, as well as holiday festivities and the normal every day demands of life.

People kept asking "Aren't you so excited?" To which my reply was "I am sure I will be..I just have to get this done!"

I got on the plane on December 17th, knowing that my parents were on the other side of the water waiting for me to disembark. I rested my head on the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I was going to miss several gatherings of friends, 4 church services (including a candlelight service that I LOVE to be a part of), my aunt's house in North Carolina, and countless other little things that make up Christmas when I am "home".

The tears quickly went away however, in the anticipation of seeing my family.

After a 10 hour layover in London, where I found out that Big Ben is not as big as I thought it was and that the Prime Minster has a much prettier tree than Buckingham Palace,(more on this day later) I was once again on a plane and bound for "home".

I breezed through customs having nothing to declare but that I was so glad to be back in Africa! I saw my dad at first glance and rushed into the arms of my mother! What joy! I was home!

We made our way through Johannesburg and down the highway to the border and across. We drove up the driveway and I walked into my parent's house.

Our time together was lovely and my next post I'll write about our time at the game reserve and the magnificence that is seeing animals in the creation that God made for them.

I enjoyed every moment with my mom and dad. We laughed, cried, prayed, watched lots of Monk, sang and even danced together. My time spent with my brothers was sweet, and I had the pleasure of meeting their friends and getting to know them better.

But as the days went by rather than longing to stay, my heart was longing for "home".

Soon the day came that I was to get back on the plane. As mentioned in previous blog, the gravitational pull once again separated my heart leaving half of it in the red soils of Africa. I rested my head on the back of the seat, took a deep breath and started crying. I wanted so badly to stay, yet I wanted so badly to go.

I landed in the US after a brief few days in London (again more on this later), and after breezing through customs because I had nothing to declare except that I was glad to be back in the United States.....I was "home".

WHERE IS THIS HOME?????

My heart cries out for the land of Africa. As was written in a past blog it is only there that my heart feels completely whole. But then when I am there, my mind and soul dwell on what is going on in Dallas, and grieves that I am not there. This is the conundrum of third culture kids from Abraham's time until now. This is who we are, no matter where we are we are always on the wrong side of the planet. As Monk would say, "it is a blessing, AND a curse."

I am looking forward to the day when we are all HOME! When I can sit at the feet of Jesus surrounded by all that I love and we will be in one place at one time. What an amazingly glorious day that will be....Until then my heart will continue to long for "home".

1000 things to do

2009-01-06T08:41:00.002-06:00

I'm back....I promise I'll get around to blogging about Africa, my mind is still processing a bit....and a bit jetlagged! ha!

I have a 1000 things to do and know that I can only start "one step at a time" ( the song by Jordan Sparks which I think may be my theme song for 2009!!)

watch this space! :)

Words fail me

2008-12-29T14:52:00.002-06:00

How is it that I can sit in a place of awe inspiring beauty, with writer's block? I guess I am still processing and pondering. Look out world when this block moves...

So much....

2008-12-12T18:07:00.003-06:00

I have started 4 different blogs and they are all in some form or another unfinished. Maybe they will get published, maybe not. There is so much in me right now that wants to come out, to be shared, but for now I am just keeping it close. I am not sure why. Pride, fear, judgement....desire for my words to be articulate or "read worthy". I don't know...but what is in me will not quite come out. It just hovers on the tip of my brain.

I heard something good today from a friend of mine. She got it from Psalm 139. She said, Don't worry about your future because to God it is history. This has deeply pierced me as my fear of the unknown is somehow trying to rear its ugly head.

The covenant promises of God are so true, so faithful, who am I to fear? He holds tomorrow and is already there. That is a good word.

38 more years

2008-12-08T15:32:00.004-06:00

When I first moved to Dallas finding a place of worship was an interesting process. First of all, I live in the Bible belt....throw a rock and hit 3 buildings with the word "church" on the side.

Secondly, I have friends serving in churches all over Dallas, so learning about one, or going someplace with "familiar faces" would not be hard. But I did not really want just another building to walk in on a Sunday morning, I was tired of the same old thing, where you showed up for the same song and dance (well depending on the church), and then left for lunch with a "warm, fuzzy" feeling and a life really not changed at all. I was tired of this search. I was tired of the "hobby" of church, the thing I did on the weekends. Really if that was all it was, why was I even bothering? I wanted a place where I was surrounded by thinkers...I wanted someone to challenge the very core of me and make me think again...I wanted a place where the church was so much more than the building and where traditional moralism was mocked and non-existent....I wanted a place where when I walked through the door I knew that the Spirit of the Living God dwelt there and was going to show up and get some stuff done. I wanted a pastor who was not all about himself, who thought outside of the proverbial box and who gave me meat to chew on for weeks at a time. I wanted a place where when I walked in the door my heart took root, there were places of service that I could use my gifts given by God, and though I did not know the term at the time, I wanted a place where I could find community.

For all that I did know, what I did not know was that this place even existed. I thought perhaps it was some fantasy conjured up in my mind. Some mythical place where my heart longed to dwell, and I would not see this side of heaven. To be incredibly honest I did not really trust this God that I claimed to worship and serve to provide such a place to fill my heart.

For the first few months I visited quite a few churches. Again, I live in the Bible belt, so one or two on every corner...not hard to find. Some were OK, some were fantastic, some I walked in and walk right back out! But everywhere I went just didn't have the right food if you will. I left hungry in most places and starving in others. This was not because the meat was not there but it wasn't meat that was filling my soul. At one point I really just thought about chucking it all and sleeping in.

I had some friends at this church that was tucked away in the corner of a residential area on the Lewisville/Flower mound border. By "some friends", I mean that if I went to the right service I could skip going to homecoming at Hardin-Simmons! I went to school with the pastor, and a couple of staff members, some of the lay leaders and, at the service I attended one week, a large part of the congregation. I fought going there for the longest time because of pride. I didn't want everyone to think I was just going there because I was following the pastor, or because everyone else went to this popular place. I kept telling God over and over that I just didn't want to go there.

One night I'd just had enough. I was so hungry for Truth, for pure worship, for challenging thinking and I knew if I went there I would get fed, I was so tired of searching for a place to call home, and even though I "knew" this wasn't it I said "I'm just going to go get fed tonight then I'll find where God wants me to be next week." Does anyone else see the skewed logic of that statement? I mean really?????? It was like I was going to go get some steak where steak would always be available, but tomorrow I'd go find the place where I could always get bread and water....

I drove in late (because I didn't want to see anyone I knew) and snuck in the back while the lights were down for the musical worship part of the service. I thought I was going to get away with sneaking in....but of course, by Divine Providence, there, leaning against the back wall was the pastor. He looked over at me with no hint of surprise that I had just come walking through the doors.... I hadn't seen him in about 3 1/2 years..... and he opened his arms to give me a hug said "Welcome home, Amanda". I am pretty sure he doesn't remember saying that, or have any idea the impact those three words would have on my life. It was like God slammed into my heart what I had for some reason been trying to keep out for 4 months....this was where He wanted me to be, to call "home", to serve, to be challenged, to feast, to have community, and to live life.

I sat on the back row and wept the entire service. I was "home".

That was two years ago. I am more in love than ever with my church home. I have the amazing opportunity to serve in several different capacities, I have the honor of leading the most amazing girls on the planet who teach me far more than I could teach them, I have the joy of being part of a powerful intercessory ministry, and I have more community than I could ever hope to repay!

My life has been changed and is continuing to change as I begin to understand sanctification for the first time, as I learn how to think for myself and ask the challenging questions of my soul, as I have freedom to wrestle with God and the areas of life that have never quite fit in the traditional mold that I was brought up in.

My spirit rejoices as I am surrounded by people who love me, and who continually pour into me the truth that is ok to not be ok, it is just not ok to stay there. I have the unbelievable blessing of being led by a staff and elders that are real and humble and honest when they fail, that explain their struggles. Pastors that at one time walked in darkness as agnostics and continue to question all that God is and does, yet their faith pervades through those questionings and leads back to the throne of Grace.

My pastor always says that we are going to do the next 40 years together....well I have 2 down...38 more to go.

Random thots

2008-12-03T10:19:00.003-06:00

#1. I looked at my beside table in my clean room last night and saw 4 water bottles in some stage of fullness or lack thereof. I will finish all of these, but seem to have the need to keep several open at the same time...why is this?

#2. I was working the product table at the Michael W. Smith concert last night and this guy walks up and we make eye contact that says "we know each other". So I walk over, and I say, "I HAVE to know who you are" to which he replies "you do, huh? why?" I said, "well for one thing I have seen you at ever concert I have been at this year and you look so familiar". THEN something else clicked into my brain..."OH, AND you are friends with Stan Whitmire!" To which his look of skeptical questioning turned to a wondering demeanor...and he says "yes I am". So he offers a hand for shaking and says "I am Craig O'dell". FLASH! I say "WAIT! Are you related to Julie O'Dell?" "yes" "Did you go to BBC?" (insert look of incredulity here) "YES!" "Craig we were in school together, I am Amanda Workman!" "WHAT! Yes I recognize you now! That is so hilarious...." follow up conversation where are you, what are you doing, exchange of phone numbers, blah blah....
Once again my world, tiny.

#3. I saw an opossum walking across the parking lot when I pulled into work today. This of course made me think of my brother Derek.

#4. an addition to this blog ....Melinda Doolittle's voice.

#5. an addition to this blog ....point to ponder "Do my relationships bring me more of Him? If not, does that person belong in my life? If so, how do I get more of that person in my life?"

#6. I hate the song "I want a hippopotamus for Christmas" and would like to NOT thank my mother for putting it in my head.

#7. I leave you with a photo of my girl, Melinda, and I being silly last night!

24 days and counting....

2008-11-23T22:18:00.002-06:00

Tonight was the season premier of 24...as I have never seen an episode...I sadly did not care as much as the rest of my friends.

But today 24 is a huge number. It is the number of days till I feel the gravitational pull from the tarmac of Dallas, TX, and begin the journey to the place that my heart equates with "home".

The dark continent. Deepest darkest Africa.

Just the thought of being there makes my soul yearn....yet there is also a pulling back from that yearning.

As the plane hits the tarmac in Africa, and the pilot slams on the brakes....the piece of my heart that dwells there slams back into my chest. I feel a wholeness I never quite feel anywhere else on the planet. I step off the plane and breath deeply the rugged, dirty, and pungent smells of a continent that is still yet untamed. I close my eyes and memories of the happiest days of my life come flooding back and the desire to make a thousand more surges through me.

These feelings will last as I spend time with my family and meet the people that they hold dear. They will pierce my soul as I worship among African believers and make new friends that I may only see on the other side of heaven. And they will make me tear up in awe as I try to capture a glimpse of his majestic creatures through the viewfinder. But I am whole for a short time...till once again I take my last breath of African night air, till the wheels once again come off the ground, the earth fades beneath and Africa once again claims from within me what is rightfully hers. My tears will flow as they are now, and my soul will long for the day when upon His return I can be with all I love, in one place at one time.

24 days and counting........

Most hilarious things I heard this week...

2008-11-22T07:04:00.002-06:00

"Excuse me Jr. High called and wants its drama back" - JMF

"Amanda, I've thought about it and I am physically incapable of getting up and letting you take my photo" - my boss this was followed by "You are a mean assistant" When I made her get up and let me take her headshot anyway!

"You looked like a cross between a fish and a seal" - said by my friend Penny after a demonstration of how my mom sucks in all the air in the car when she thinks we are going to crash with the car that is 100 miles in front of us! At this point, mom's vicious inhale would have been relevant though, because we were laughing so hard I could just barely see the road.

"Are you thinking what I am thinking?...."I don't know are you thinking 'holy crap holy crap a swordfish almost impaled my head?' if so then yes" - Get Smart

Laughter...so the best medicine in life!

Things on my desk

2008-11-14T09:21:00.005-06:00

So my blogs have had a bit of depth to them lately, and this will not be one of those I assure you.....

I was looking around my desk while sitting here at work and realized the odd assortment of things that are on it. How exactly does one collect this stuff and why is it so difficult to get rid of it to just have a clean desk.

Things on my desk:

Two empty water bottles (ok I just recycled those I feel better now)

Two stress balls, that I never use (perhaps the reason for my hypertension)

A wooden box with nothing in it

A fake lemon that sits on a marble block that says "when life gives you lemons...." (can someone finish this thought please?????)

next to the lemon...a freakish highlighter man with green shoes and orange and white feather hair sticking out of a plastic ball with a face. (he doesn't even have a name, maybe it would be better if he had a name...nameless highlighter guy...yeah, no)
A boyds bear dressed as a bumble bee sitting in a basket that says "bee happy!" (I think he actually belongs to my mom and have no idea how he got to work with me....)

A Sponge-Bob Square Pants etch-a-sketch (again where did this come from and how did it get to work with me...)

Dark chocolate from Paris (the city in France, not Hilton)

Dice (two sets - one normal every day, and one in fancy leather)

My name written in chinese (incorrectly I might add...since it looks nothing like my name looks in all the other versions of chinese that I have it in)

There is a fan under my desk, and a pair of shoes from this summer (why?)

I have a pink radio clock that does not have the correct time on it at all....not because it doesn't keep time, but because I have never set it correctly....(I will do this now)

A huge vase with two leaves in it, trying desperately to take root.

Photos in frames - me with brothers, my family, a waterfall, railroad tracks

Photos not in frames - Alex Modesitt (friend's son with cancer), Cousin Zach's football pic, pic of me and Brittany (MK director), Paddington in Glenrose

Random things on wall: buttons with photos of me and Jeff, Shana, Vera and Darlene from work parties....and one letting the world know "I survived sinister sessions 2008 - Transfatsylvania"

a wire girraffe

a lamp - with a beaded necklace

a paper bracelet made by my boss's daughter

business card sized "words of inspiration"

This is just the random stuff and does not include the things that help me work and get my job done, ie. phone, cup full of pens, computer, file folders, etc.

I think it is time to declutter....

Rescuers vs Mentors

2008-11-08T14:00:00.007-06:00

Last night I was sitting with a group of friends that over this past year and half I have grown to know and love and have the honor of calling "friends." As we laughed and talked and shared life together...I realized that for the first time in a very long time I have healthy friendships!

I have friendships where I am safe to laugh and cry and share my heart and my fears and joys and dreams and every single one of those things are either shared, calmed or supported! How incredibly blessed am I? THIS is what it means to "do life together."

You see for years I was in the "fixing" game. Not really by conscious choice, but it just seemed that I got sucked in to helping everyone else and not ever having the opportunity to have time for me. Then about a year and half ago I heard a very wise man say "Rescuers attract victims, and Mentors attract survivors" who do you want to be? Wow, wow, WOW!!! This statement while seemingly so simple took me a while to process, to understand exactly what it mean and what it looked like.

I began to take stock of all of my friendships and realized that the people that completely sucked the life out of me without ever giving back and when I was emotionally finished moved on to others they could latch onto for similar purposes....far outweighed the friendships that I truly enjoyed. The ones I truly enjoyed were full of laughter and some tears, there were times of struggle, but struggles were shared and when I was there for them, they turned around and were there for me right back. These same people enrich my life and make me want to pursue my hopes and dreams knowing that we are going to realize our dreams together. They pursue my heart, and I get to pursue theirs right back. They are not in the friendship to see what emotional baggage they can unload on me before moving on, rather we bear each others burdens.

So after taking stock of this...I made a silent decision and began to edge out those who were simply victims of life. Those who chose to wallow in their self pity and did not do anything recommended to them to get out of their present circumstance no longer were going to get a place in my life. No more late night phone calls to cry to me about all the things they were "struggling" with only to in the same breath explain why it was they were not going to do anything to change their current situation. No more dragging their dead weight along; trying my best to believe in them when they were choosing not believe in themselves.

This decision was not easy and meant having to say 'we can't be friends anymore' to several people in my life.

I, of course, was called all sorts of things for this, selfish, self righteous, judgmental and legalistic...all of the words that they knew would wound were the ones they chose to use. I was blamed for our friendship being the way it was and in one case even told that we weren't as close as I thought we were. (Funny how close we were every time this person needed me in the middle of a crisis.) I only wish they understood the pain it took to purge them from my life. Recently a couple have tried to come back, and within the first phone call were already right back to being victims. To you I say...um, No thank you!

Unfortunately for me, this process is not over yet. I have a couple of others that are proving to walk the victim road. They call only when they need something, and are not there when I in turn might need them. There is never a time where in we can celebrate life together because they are too busy wallowing in why they are victims of circumstances that they can control. Choosing to not be there for them is hard for me. Instinct wants too, but wisdom finally outweighs that, knowing that neither they nor I will be better for my intervening once again. When they choose to change their life circumstance by making the decisions they know to be right and begin to walk as survivors rather than victims....I will happily call them friend again. However, I am not sure that time will ever come, and when it does I will no longer be needed.

This past year, on more than one occasion I also heard something that I have found too be true...you are most like the 5 people with whom you choose to surround yourself. These words are so so so true. I once walked as a victim of circumstances I could control. I chose to stare in the face of wisdom and make the choices I knew in my heart to be wrong.

However, I decided with God's help to change that status quo...I AM a survivor. I, like everyone else I know, have suffered hurtful words, cruelty at the hands of those who should love me most, I've had disagreements with family, and have had broken relationships, I have made choices that were wrong and have suffered the consequences for them even when I did not feel it was "fair". In the midst of that, I choose to hold my head up with pride, put on a smile, ask for help when I struggle with sadness and feelings that overwhelm... and then take that help and follow the recommendations made for healing. I choose to forgive those that have hurt me most, including myself, rather than fall victim to bitterness that only consumes and harms the one harboring it.

I want to surround myself with these same people. I want to be surrounded by mentally stable, loving, God fearing people who have dreams, who pursue those dreams passionately, who know that is perfectly ok to not be ok, but it is not ok to stay there. As I looked around the table last night, I saw those people. I saw people who loved themselves, not in a prideful way, but in a healthy one....they loved themselves enough to in turn share that love with me. We laughed about silly things and were comfortable in each other's presence. Tonight, we will all head over to the Village Church, the place we have the joy of calling "home". We will have the honor of worshiping together the great God and King who sacrificed so that we might have this amazing life. I look forward to however long God gives me to doing life with these people. They are my mentors and I want to be theirs in return.

Things that move me

2008-10-15T16:22:00.000-05:00

My Pastor recently wrote about things that inspire him and how they have changed over the years. I read it thought it was nice and moved on...or so I thought...

My subconscious must have taken up the string of thought and began to work out the things that inspire me and how my life has been changed and affected by them. The past couple of days, the information gathered has slowly made its way back to the forefront of my mind.

So here are things that move and inspire me....not a completely comprehensive list...but a start.
..... Seeing anyone come to Christ and their world turned upside down uncontrollably by the gospel.
.... Realizing that my Savior did not just die for the middle class white republican man, he died for the poverty stricken and the wealthy, the derelict that society gives up on, just as much as he died for the Mother Teresas and Billy Grahams of the world. What HOPE!
.... A song that "makes my DNA remember Eden and my Heart long for HOME."
....The pure laughter of good friends...the kind that makes your stomach hurt for hours afterwards!
....Those that love their God so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives, the comforts of the suburbs and time away from their family to serve Him.
....Those that love their nation so much that they are willing to sacrifice their lives and time away from their family to serve it.
....Church leadership that preach the gospel not traditional moral retoric, and who live out what they preach. Who are willing to go and sacrifice time away from those they love to further the message of the Father they Love!
....Friends that are aware of the sinful depravity of my soul and make the choice to love me anyway.
....The purity of a child's laughter
....Beauty that can be captured within a viewfinder.
....The face of an African baby
....a cool, quiet morning on the patio with a rich cup of coffee
....a full moon
....the roar of the ocean
....that moment just before dawn when the birds first wake up and start to stir

What stirs your affections for Him?

Interesting Day

2008-10-05T16:08:00.003-05:00

I am always humbled and amazed by how much God chooses to love me. I have a friend who does not believe that God cares about the "little things." He believes that we were created (by evolution) and then placed on earth and into orbit and God only should be "bothered" by the big things.
Praise the Lord my life is contrary proof of this thought process! What an amazing week this has been! Last Sunday I blogged saying I was packing. Well three days later I was still packing. Why is it that you get this incredible amount of packing done and then sometime in the wee small hours of the morning while you are fast asleep, little elves creep out and take things out of boxes...and create never ending piles of stuff! People I do not have that much stuff, i just couldn't seem to get it all in the box. I also love how packing starts out very organized. Books go in book boxes, lamps go in lamp boxes, all the kitchen goes in a box, then all of the bathroom stuff in a bathroom box, however, by the end of the packing you have boxes with mustard and ketchup in with curtain rods! All sorts of spiritual examples spring to mind with this!

Moving day came on Tuesday, and even though Lisa and I had stayed up till late in the night there was STILL packing to be done. One of those "little details" that God is so good at comes into play here. My sweet former roommate Lisa, (we have only been apart 5 days it is miserable), works for a moving company, and because they were already moving her for free (all the way to Austin. sad.) They offered to load up my stuff and move it across town for free too! What a blessing! We got boxes for free and movers for free. God certainly took care of those tiny details.
Some other details I'll show you later with photos of my new place, but this apartment fulfills not only my basic need for shelter, but my some of my selfish little wants that bring me joy as well.

Other things that were happening on Tuesday....In Mary Kay, I had the production finished, but needed two more of my 6 team members active to be on target for the first level of car! I had been working towards this goal all month long, and the production had been done for weeks. My director had done interview after interview, I had new team members, but only 3 of them were in active status at the time. I woke up on Tuesday, knowing that I absolutely could not think about it. I prayed as I got up and gave it over to the Lord, if it was going to be done, He was going to have to do it. One of my team members called as I was waiting at my new place for my AT&T guy to get the internet installed and needed to get an order placed and wanted some advice on holiday gifts. I was able to talk her through that and sure enough, she placed her order and was active. Praise the Lord! Only one more was needed......

Before I could even give thought to that, the next moment Lisa called and said she couldn't find picasso (my cat) anywhere.
I left the AT&T guy at the house and off I drove back to the old apartment. We searched for 5 hours, but no kitty to be found. Finally we had to leave...both of us were so tired and sore and depressed we were leaving each other. Lisa compared it to the last episode of Friends where they turn out the lights in Monica's apartment for the last time. We stood at our island were we'd had so many conversations, most of our meals, laughed, cried, discussed life, God and boys, and we prayed with each other. Thanking God for the year and a half we had lived in that place, for the laughter and the tears, for the lack of even one argument, for the provision of unexpected needs, and provision of desired wants, for warm beds and shelter when so many don't have that security. We thanked him for letting us find each other, bring us together as roommates and building a lasting friendship between us. We also prayed for the people that would live there next. I don't know who they are, but I hope they find Jesus in that place, or if they already know Him..grow deeper with Him. We cried a moment longer and prayed for Picasso, and then left.

As I pulled into the parking garage of my new apartment building, I got a phone call...one of my team members called to say that she decided to come back active in her business and with that phone call at 10 pm...I was officially done with month one tracking for my 1st free car! I just sat exhausted and overwhelmed in my car and cried!

Picasso was found on Friday, after an exhaustive search. My friend, B, was walking her dog and found him just hanging out at the Lofts across the street! He was unharmed, quite a bit hungry, and has now taken over his rightful control of the new apartment.

God is in the details, he cares about the small things. Why did Picasso get lost, why did I have to wait till the very last second to wrap up month one car production...why did we have to go through that stress? I don't know, but I know that my faith is stronger today because of it. Mark Lowry says, that God shows up in the interruptions of our plans. We think we have things all figured out and that we know exactly which direction we are going in and how we are going to get there. Then God shows up and says, "Sweet child, I have such a better way. You may not like the direction at 1st, but if you don't resist, and you walk the path I have drawn up for you, you will have "joy unspeakable and full of glory".

2008-09-28T09:11:00.000-05:00

I am packing today. I move from this apartment home of a year and a half to a new one that will be all my own. Why when there is change do many of the old doubts and fears come to surface? Perhaps a stirring up of dust, an unsettling of what longs to just be settled and stay put.

I am struggling with the "be still and know". It is so hard for be to "be still", even harder somehow to have the faith to "know". Which brings to be the question...Why when He has proven faithful time and again do we continue to struggle with the things we know to be truth? He has proven faithful time and again with my finances and yet, as I sit here typing somewhere my subconscious brain takes over and I worry about things that are financially completely out of my control.

I suppose my moving every couple of years is actually stereotypical for a TCK. I suppose, it is something that must be done. To rummage through what is in my closet and evaluate if I need things I haven't used in years. To rid myself of things that simply weigh me down and hold me back. To start fresh in a new place, new smells, new sights, new sounds, new ways to see Jesus in the little things.

I am so in shock and awe right now I don't have words

2008-09-26T09:31:00.002-05:00

This from the associate press:
PETA asks Ben & Jerry's to use breast milk

MONTPELIER, Vt. (AP) — Ice cream made from breast milk? That's what the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals wants Ben & Jerry's Homemade Ice Cream to consider making.

The Virginia-based nonprofit group sent a letter to company co-founders Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield on Tuesday asking them to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk in their products.

PETA said the health of consumers and cows would benefit from the switch.

Ben & Jerry's spokesman Rob Michalak said the company applauds PETA's creative approach to bring attention to an issue, but believes that a mother's milk is best used by a child.

***************
Yes please, lets hook up HUMANS to machines, rather than allow those poor pitiful COWS to suffer any more indignaty! WHAT! There are so many words that are not appropriate for me to be thinking right now, much less put on a blog! Flaming Weirdos!

A re-thinking of life as I know it

2008-09-18T13:43:00.003-05:00

I recently got rid of my cable...yes I felt that intake of a gasp as those words were read....
But here is where the Lord is leading me right now.
Time spent alone in front of TV or with TV on each week = 3 hours a night 5 nights a week 15HRS
Time spent with Jesus = 1 hour a day 5 days a week - 5 hours (hmm that doesn't add up)
Time spent with friends pouring into each others lives - 2 hours (WHAT!)
Time spent in ministry helping change the lives of others - 4 hours
Ok so all of the other time together still does not add up to the amount of time I was wasting watching TV.

Then I began to add up some other things...
Cable per month $44
Sponsoring a child through Compassion international $32
Missionary friends that could use an extra $50 in support- numerous

So I got rid of cable. I won't miss anything but garbage for the most part anyway... almost every show out there compromises my walk in some way anyway.
Instead I get to use that money towards better things, that time towards the enriching of others lives....I don't know if this is a forever decision, but it is definately a for now decision....life is too short so spend hours alone watchin....

In the words of T.S. Elliot The remarkable thing about television is that it permits several million people to laugh at the same joke and still feel lonely.

What else will He change in me if I let Him? Oh the amazing possibilities!

2008-09-15T15:16:00.002-05:00

Some of the greatest leaders of worship, all of whom have impacted my life in one song or another...on stage together...amazing!

I am not the same.....

2008-09-12T23:36:00.001-05:00

for I have seen the moon from the other side of the world.

McCain's Daughter

2008-09-10T09:59:00.001-05:00

So far all I have seen is the epitome of class! :)
and she is a blogger!

Reasons why....

2008-09-06T13:37:00.003-05:00

Ok so I have written quite a bit late about "stay tuned for more news" and then in the last post shared that I was getting serious about my Mary Kay. Let me share a little about the reasons why so you can hear my heart and know more how to pray for me. My sweet faithful readers are such prayer warriors and every step of my journey the past few years, the smooth sailing and the bumps in the road have been bathed in prayer...something I can never hope to repay, and something for which I will be grateful for eternity.

Reasons why:
#1 and most dear to my heart...ministry opportunity.
Every year at seminar they bring in international directors from one of the 30 countries where Mary Kay is sold. This year the week I went the international guests were from all parts of Asia. Quietly in the depths of my heart the Lord spoke and said "You cannot walk freely into these places with a Bible, but you can walk right in with a starter kit....but you can't take a starter kit internationally without being a director." Can you imagine, as a director I can go anywhere in the world and teach women how to enrich their lives and walk into homes with some cleanser and moisturizer...and in the midst of that get to share Jesus! How powerful is that! Even I sit here and type it out to you I get tears in my eyes.
#2. Financial freedom. Working for myself and controlling my own life and time. This year at my church, we sent out several missionary families and as a church body will go on both international and domestic missional trips and opportunities. That is my heart beat, but I cannot take all the time I want off work to head over to Sudan, or to help develop the missions training manual or even to go spend 10 days in Kenya. Not to mention being able to head over and help my mom and dad in Botswana for a few weeks if I wanted to. I can with this business. It affords me the financial freedom to say, I am spending my time doing this and doing that.
#3. Right here in Dallas, TX I have the ability to do both of the things mentioned above. I have the opportunity to spend time and minister to women that in a normal day to day I might never even encounter, but through a skin care class, or a guest event, I get to meet them, make them feel better about themselves, and get to share the Lord with them. How powerful is that! This morning at a city wide guest event that we have every month in the Dallas area, a woman won highest sales for the month. When she found out she was #1 she started crying...her testimony was this. She said she always thought she was a nobody who did nothing, and after being in Mary Kay for 3 weeks she was a somebody. How incredible is that. Plus the name of Jesus was spoken freely and often among this group of incredible women...what a great place to take someone who is not a believer who would never darken the door of a church.

That is my heartbeat right now. I know this is a journey God has called me on. He has been calling me for a while and I have chosen to walk in the mediocre, however....no longer. So when you wonder if I have fallen off the face of the earth or why I choose to say no to some fun activity for a while. It is because I am choosing to take this time to build my business to where I know the Lord has called me to be. It will take a little bit of work (I have found that the Lord only blesses the work of your hands, if you are doing work...fancy that!), and a lot of prayer and encouragement. But (ok here it is on a public blog!) I will be a director by December of this year.

Thanks for loving me, for believing in me, for helping me reach my dream. Please continue to pray as I walk in obedience towards what He is drawing out in me to do!

Of newsy notes

2008-08-28T14:24:00.002-05:00

I am at work....trying desperately to stay awake. I have not been sleeping well for the past couple of weeks...this often happens when I am stressed and/or change is happening. (with that criteria it is amazing that I sleep at all!)

So here is what's happening in the life of Amanda:
September 20th, I will be moving to a new abode. After a year and a half of living 20 minutes from work and 30 minutes from church, I have decided to make a move to an apartment that is much closer to both.
Sadly, my roommate will not be moving with me. Her current employment is in the opposite direction from mine, so my moving closer is her moving farther. Also her brother is moving to town and will be her new roommmate.
So, P&P and I will be setting into a new place that is all our own. One of the best features...it is no where near Cowboys! traffic!!!!

I have been asking God for some very direct answers regarding my future. Specifically within my Mary Kay. I had made the decision that I was going to quit being a consultant as a hobby. This meant one of two things. I was quitting altogether or getting serious. Due to some very specific things that the Lord revealed to me in the last part of July, I have decided to get serious. I am now working my business as a business. I am on a very systematic and structured path toward directorship. You can help here by praying for this business, that it would be used for His glory. Refer friends, host a spa pampering session (if you are out of town that is ok you can host a web party! just ask how!), or if you know someone who is looking for an amazing opportunity in a company that puts God first, Family second and Career third (in word and in deed), then please send them my way.

Many of you have asked about my holiday plans. I am so excited to say that I am going to get to go to Botswana for Christmas. An adopted home of sorts as Kenya is HOME, but Botswana is where mom and dad live! I will be leaving December 17th and don't return until January 5th. I will also have a few short days to spend in England a whirlwind tour of friends that I have not seen in 13 years! I am so excited! Definitely not long enough, but will be a start.

God continues to move in my life daily. He is stretching my faith to new levels and building in me areas of trust I didn't even know I struggled with before. I am more in love with the Father than I have ever been. I am currently leading an incredible group of ladies in a home group style setting. This has been an adventure! For those who know me well, they know my lack of desire to even have girls as friends, much less lead a group of them. Yet these girls have rocked my world. I have never had friendships as sweet and as deep as these and I am so excited for it to keep going!

At church I have taken on leadership within the intercessory ministry. Something that I told God I wouldn't do...He just smiles when we say stuff like that. It is an old journey with a new vision and the Lord is teaching me so much about prayer and the power of it.

Many of you have asked about my sweet friend Karen and her son Alex. He is smack in the middle of chemo therapy and now has a website you can visit and keep track of praying for him. http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/alexmodesitt Head over and leave a note of encouragement.

Lastly, as I have been packing, I have run across some fun memories...and one was a book that I just started writing sayings, lyrics, and poems I enjoyed. I now do that by blogging I suppose, but I came across this poem by Emily Dickinson and it just made me smile.

A thought went up my mind to-day
That I have had before,
But did not finish,--some way back,
I could not fix the year,

Nor where it went, nor why it came
The second time to me,
Nor definitely what it was,
Have I the art to say.

But somewhere in my soul, I know
I've met the thing before;
It just reminded me--'t was all--
And came my way no more.

Blessings!

Enough

2008-08-24T17:17:00.004-05:00

Sometimes things are just too deep and painful, sometimes just to deep and joyful to write out or process all at once. The past few months have been that for me. I am still processing, but today as I was spending time in the Word, I began to write this prayer of sorts. What I have come to know is that in sadness, pain or blissful joy...He alone is enough.

Through loss of one, pain strikes
Through rejection a deepening wound
Confusion riddles the mind
Sleepless sadness turns to slumbering escape.

Desire for tomorrow
Robs the joy of today.
Pride shows its promises yet unfulfilled
While in the corner humility quietly waits
Redemption offered up in open hands

Turn to the left, turn to the right
Life spinning, seemingly out of control.
Searching for fantasies just out of reach
When He alone is enough.

"Child, do you trust me?"
"No, Lord" is my cry
Honesty, He desires,
Brokenness, He treasures.

Your name...brings restoration.
Your name...today's joy.
Your name...tomorrow's glory.
Your honor...my pleasure.
Your renown...my gain.
Your majesty...my treasure.
You...Hope Found!!

TAGGED!

2008-08-20T10:32:00.002-05:00

My friend Becky tagged me...Enjoy!

8 Things I am Passionate About:
Jesus
The Village Church
My family
Mary Kay
Ministering to women
Adult Third Culture Kids
Praying for others
Travel

8 Books I Have Read and Enjoyed:
To hold me to 8 here is almost cruel..
All of “In Death” Series by J.D. Robb (that in itself is more than 8)
Anne of Green Gables
Speechless
Fresh Faith
A Woman’s call to prayer
The Hour Game
A Year of Living Bibilically
Bobo’s in Paradise

8 Words/Phrases I Say Often:
Praise the Lord!
That’s HI-La-rI-ous!
Paddington, NO!
Do you have a quick minute?
Can I ask you a crazy question?
Thank you, Mary Kay!
I need coffee
Meighan Girgus’ office this is Amanda

8 Things I Want to do Before I Die… (In no particular order):
See my lifelong friends come to know Jesus
Become a MK director (ok this before Nov. 30)
Publish something
Sell a photography book
Take a photography class
Sky Dive
Return to Africa to live
See all 7 continents (4 down, 3 to go)

8 Things I Learned This Past Year:
Mentors attract survivors….rescuers attract victims
Sometimes losing a friend is the best thing for both of you.
Sometimes you have to say “no” to good things, to get the best.
RUN from negativity (people, news, etc)
The difference between a worthless uncut diamond and priceless beauty is “work”
You are known by your past, or your possibilities….it is your choice.
The great things about dreams is they have no time or language barriers.
Success is the sum of small efforts repeated.
You cannot stuff a great life into a small dream. In order to dream and have a great life, you must be motivated by the possibility of the not yet reality, and motivated by the future.

Eight People I want to Tag:
Shital
MC
K
Natalie
Amy
Pamelamb
DRC
Kate

Promises

2008-08-19T07:15:00.002-05:00

Not one single promise has failed. How powerful those words. His word is filled to the brim with promises and not one has failed. How silly and shallow I am to even attempt to walk in doubt and fear. I have a promise of hope and a future, a promise of life and that more abundant. The ups and the downs they are part of the promise. He promises He will hold my hand, he will direct my path, he will give wisdom without resentment....not one single promise has failed.

Joshua 23:14 - "Now behold, today I am going the way of all the earth, and you know in all your hearts and in all your souls that not one word of all the promises which the LORD your God spoke concerning you has failed; all have been fulfilled for you, not one of them has failed."

I am on the fast track

2008-08-18T22:33:00.002-05:00

To directorship that is....
Be prepared to hear a lot about Mary Kay in the next couple of months.

The Lord has taken me on quite a journey the past few months, some I will share as I feel that I can, some will just stay with me, but you will see it as it beings to manifest itself in me.

More soon...for now...bedtime.

Ball-FOUR

2008-08-15T23:24:00.002-05:00

I just got home from the most boring baseball game in my life! But it was fun! Thanks Nathan!
Sat right next to the rival bull pen....so question of the evening. If your last name is Balfour are you destined to be a major league pitcher?

Great Quotes

2008-08-07T10:53:00.003-05:00

One of my very favorite people turned 50 this past month:
My memories of Mark Lowry go farther back than he would want to know! Some of my very favorite memories are road trips through the amazing scenery of Kenya with Mark in the the cassette (that's right cassette) player. It doesn't matter how many times I hear his stories they still make me laugh till I cry. One time I even went to his concert on back to back nights!
In the midst of his humor is a heart that is deeply in love with the Father and with that love comes words of wisdom that move me and bless me.
He recently posted a list of his favorite quotes over the past few years...some of them are funny some are just great...read and enjoy.
Mark Lowry Quotes:

“Happiness is a roller-coaster ride, contentment is falling backwards into Grandma’s feather bed."

“We don't help people by showing them our trophies, we help them by showing them our scars."

“When you see a stranger you must change the way you view him. Instead of seeing a school teacher, a mother, an ax murderer or a priest, see who they really are, the image of God on legs.”

"Love the sinner, hate the sin? How about: Love the sinner, hate your own sin! I don't have time to hate your sin. There are too many of you!"

“I would hate to be an atheist. They have no one to thank.”

“Hoe your row. But not too deeply or it will become a rut.”

"God is crazy about you!"

"You work... so you can play."

"It's not a great song unless it makes your DNA remember Eden and your spirit long for Home."

“Before you plant your seed you better check out the soil.”

“God thinks you’re worth loving and you don’t get a vote.”

"I hate puns. And, I'm tired of pardoning them."

"The things you're crying about today, you might be laughing about in ten years ... and then again ... maybe not."

"When you wrap a flag around the Cross, you make both impotent."

"Politics trims the shrub, the Gospel cuts the root."

"If you have ADD, you shouldn't learn to ride a motorcycle until you learn to drive a wheelchair."

"Life is a series of recoveries."

"The self-righteous have their fig leaves so tightly bound that they have forgotten the seeping wounds beneath the foliage."

"Broken pots spill more water."

“Take the high road, there’s less traffic.”

“Time has shown me that what may feel like a brick wall is just a speed bump on the journey.”

It has simply been a long week....

2008-08-06T09:30:00.003-05:00

....and it is only Wednesday.

First off I would like to request prayer for this sweet boy...

The son of a friend of mine. Alex is undergoing chemo this week for a cancerous tumor found on his hip. At 18 he is pretty resilient as most of the young are, but he is still scared and still in need of the Father's arms around Him.

I lost a friend this week. Sometimes that is the consequence of doing what you know is right. Doesn't hurt any less.

Sometimes being sad is just ok.....

In Love

2008-08-02T11:37:00.003-05:00

with my new camera.... :)
My first shot was quite spectacular, however, you will have to wait on that one as my generic memory card corrupted and I am working on getting those pictures set free. However, I have had opportunity to get a new card and play some more..last night I played in monochrome mode....see below....
Paddington

Self Portrait

My toes

Picasso (wishing I would stop!)

I am the proud owner!

2008-07-23T14:45:00.003-05:00

Of a new Canon 30D! :)

Ok so I took this with my camera phone.

I'll upload Canon 30D photos soon.

Who?

2008-07-19T22:01:00.002-05:00

do you talk to...when you are not talking to the person you talk to?
SIGH!!

Quote of the week:
"It is the story of life....Boy meets girl....boy gets stupid...boy and girl lives stupidly ever after."

Speak Softly

2008-07-15T11:04:00.001-05:00

"Speak tenderly to them. Let there be kindness in your face, in your eyes, in your smile, in the warmth of your greeting. always have a cheerful smile. Don't only give your care, but give your heart as well."
--Mother Teresa

Today I choose

2008-07-10T09:26:00.002-05:00

It is going to be a GREAT day!
I am going to live in His Promises
His Truth
His Word....
Others and cirumstances will not control my happiness, will not rob me of my joy!

Psalm 145:13
Your kingdom is an everlasting kingdom, and your dominion endures through all generations. The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made.

Much Joy! Happy Memories

2008-07-09T16:39:00.003-05:00

Thank you Starr
for these happy memories. They have brought much joy and laughter...especially the years '98 to '03 years!

The Music in My Head

2008-06-30T09:10:00.003-05:00

Flat out, no competition, KSBJ, is my radio station. Truely...well it's God's, but He lets me claim it as mine.

This year for the 4th year in a row I participated in KSBJ's Sharathon. This is an amazing 3 days of the year when the radio station raises money for operations for the entire year (meaning absolutely NO commercials) and for all sorts of incredible special projects that further the work of the kingdom around the globe. I have had the honor of supporting this radio station for five years and working at Sharathon for four.

Even though I live in Dallas I continue to volunteer as my hope is one day the signal will be strong enough to reach all the way here. Until then I listed by webcast!

Every year, simply gets better.
This year, I was up at 4am to make the drive from The Woodlands to Humble, and start my shift at 5 am. This year, rather than answering phones I volunteered to fill into areas that might need the help of some of the more experienced volunteers. So I started by checking in the phone volunteers and it was fun to see those from previous years, and see how their year had gone. Each year there are a lot of new faces and people to meet and learn about. However, there are also friends from years gone by, and Sharathon is simply a reunion to share all that God has done in our lives!
At around 8 am, I moved into phone central where all the action happens! :) Phone answerers were at every table taking pledges and the DJ's were floating around talking to the audience and the volunteers. I worked at the verifiying table...verifying the pledges that came in and making changes where necessary. Later in the afternoon I was able to do a bit of floating, answering questions of volunteers and spending time with Sharathon friends!
Also, thanks to a webcam set up in Phone central, my parents were able to see me from across the water in Botswana. Everyone got into the fun waving at them and saying "hi mom and dad!" When my dad called my friend Coop (KSBJ's summer intern) waved with me and his mom happened to be watching at the same time. So she texted him "how did you know to wave right then?" We haven't told her that he wasn't waving at her!
Also I started to wonder later what others watching the webcam right at that moment might be thinking...(who is this crazy girl talking on the phone and waving and turning round and round.) ha ha ha
I found myself in some of the photos of the day...they are horrible! I was so exhuausted by the time they got around to capturing my face.
The highlight of my day was my time spent in the Prayer room with the women of Pray the Word Ministries. I have had the honor of praying with and being prayed for by these amazing women. I cannot even begin to express my gratitude for the time spent with me on Friday...praying the words of Jesus over me and reminding me of His unending faithful promises to me and my life. Also teaching me how to pray these things for myself. Thank you Lord for this ministry and the work that you do through them.
The second highlight of my day was getting meet Becky Kankelfritz, I have had the pleasure of getting to know her via her blog and a mutual love of photography this past year. I have also had the distinct honor of getting to pray for her and her sweet family as the Lord walks us through similar lessons on different paths. Becky, I am so excited to continue to develop our friendship!
Our on time God helped us meet our Sharathon goals this year right at the closing minute of this pledge time. I am so thankful for His faithful work in this ministry year after year! I am honored to get to be a part of it!

I can't wait till next year to see what all God has done, in this year of "New Beginnings"

Jesus YOU be lifted High

2008-06-25T10:32:00.003-05:00

I think sometimes the greatest thing that comes from God working in my life is not necessarily the process.
When he has to dig out roots of weeds of doubt, fear, bitterness, and anger that have had years to grow deep, it does not feel good. When I have to face feelings of being unloved, and abandoned and simply unworthy...I also have to face the reasons behind those. Some of those are memories that I don't really care to dredge back up but have to be brought out so they can be purged and burned up in the Refiner's fire.
That weeding, purging and burning up, is not comfortable. Sometimes it is more painful than I imagine that I can bear. However, what I am finding is the beauty of the joy that is within that pain. There is Hope, Restoration, Joy, Peace that goes far beyond what can be explained or imagined.
My desire is to go deeper, to know Him more intimately, to lift Him high as I am brought low.
The words of the song Be Lifted High by Michael W. Smith have resonated over and over and over again in my heart this week.

Sin and its ways grow old
All of my heart turns to stone
And I'm left with no strength to arise
How You need to be lifted high

Sin and its ways lead to pain
Left here with hurt and with shame
So no longer will I leave your side
Jesus, you be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you be lifted high

And even now that I'm inside your hands
Help me not to grow prideful again
Don't let me forsake sacrifice
Jesus you be lifted high

And if I'm blessed with the riches of kings
How could I ever think that it was me
For you brought me from darkness to light
Jesus, you be lifted high

You be lifted high
You be lifted high
You be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you'll be lifted high

Oh Jesus, you be lifted high
Oh you be lifted high
Oh you be lifted high in my life
Oh God
And I fall to my knees
So it's you that they see
Not I
Jesus, you be lifted high

Do not stop dreaming!

2008-06-23T16:58:00.002-05:00

One day your world-peace-dream will inundate the whole world.

Building things

2008-06-15T17:25:00.005-05:00

The beauty of it all is the foundation of godly friendship, the question is what kind of house needs to be built on it. Working with the Master Builder comes with the promise that no matter what the design, it will have walls of love, joy, and hope. Processing, Patience, Time....

Habakkuk 2:1-3
"I will climb up into my watchtower now and wait to see what the Lord will say to me and how he will answer my complaint. Then the Lord said to me, "Write my answer in large, clear letters on a tablet, so that a runner can read it and tell everyone else. But these things I plan won't happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow, wait patiently, for it will surely take place.It will not be delayed"

God is doing a work

2008-06-13T12:08:00.000-05:00

**Editor's note***
I just found where I started a post on 5/29/08 that looks a lot like a recent one! LOL Decided to post it anyway.

So I looked back over the past month or so and all of my post seem sad. Let me assure you that I am not sad. God is doing a work....I'll write more on it...or maybe I won't...still processing and thinking. But I know that through every step of learning, going back to the basics, there is hope in Him, and that is everlasting!

Now for some random thot's......

So here is where I fell in love with the person that Chris Daughtry

I am afraid, that here is where I did a bit of cheating and fell in love with David Cook....and then continued on pretty much through the entire season...especially with this.

But neither one mind, they understand and I have made room for both in my heart.

Though never been one to not miss an episode of anything...I did not miss one episode of this year's Idol thanks to DVR. Congratulations David Cook!

I found out that a medication that is keeping me from having a stroke is what is causing the cough I thought was allergies. So I'll be weaning myself off of that...and onto something else.

This morning I woke up craving Mexican food....and God provided it for free! LOVE that!

Paddington is 5 months old and makes me laugh out loud daily. He has been asking to write a new blog so I may let him on the computer a bit later.

RANT WARNING* Just being real here

2008-06-10T11:06:00.004-05:00

If you have read my blog for any amount of time you are well aware of my passion and deep love for Jesus Christ. My desire to know Him better and deeper and intimately. So please remember that in the next few words I am about to write.

I am working very hard on the flip side of judgmentalism. I grew up in a very legalistic/judgmental environment. Not necessarily within my home, but definitely with in the denomination that I grew up in. So having encountered on a very real and personal level legalistic judgements on my own life and my own person, I often find myself reversing those same legalistic values back on those who pushed them onto me.

So again...the Lord is dealing in my heart with this. I am learning that He loves the legalistic/judgemental people that are out there as much as He loves me...and they are on the same journey I am and they- not I - will be accountable for their actions one day, as I will be for mine.

With all of that I am about to go off in a RANT!
Why do people come home from missions trips and spout off the number of salvations as if they alone were the accomplishment? "We just got back from Timbuktu and we took our white selves with all of our American evangelism tactics and gathered in a crowd of poor people who culturally will agree with most anything we will say, preached to them and at the end had them raise their had if they said an incantation (ahem..excuse me prayer). We counted those hands and Praise the Lord 500 people were "saved. We won all of those people to the Lord. "
There are no words to tell you how disgusted and purely nauseated I am right at this moment.
What you have just done is completely discount and discredit all of the amazing work of the Lord that has been done long before you even knew where the place was.
When your white American selves go down to a land and are the novelty item for the week that you are there...of course crowds are going to come and see you. Most 3rd world cultures are different than our self-centered selfish selves in that they will agree to or do whatever it is that you are asking them to do with very little understanding as to why it is that you are doing it!
Please do not come back to the good ol' US of A to your middle class bible belt churches where for the most part church is a hobby one does on Sunday and count off your totals and consider your job done.
Seriously it hurts my heart!!!!

Billy Graham used to say that it took 40 people to lead someone to the cross of Christ, the 1st one didn't believe he did anything and the last one believed he did it all.

Here is what I wish I would hear when people come home from these short journeys of their lives.
"Man, we went down and were able to present the gospel in a unique way to a lot of people. They showed up because we were a novelty and that is OK, we're glad they came. We know that our missionaries that are on the field work hand in hand with these people so our coming was simply a bonus (for lack of another term at this time) to the work that the Lord is already doing. During our time there we were able to share the message of Christ and his deep love for us with fairly large crowds and as we presented the opportunity to follow Him, hundreds raised their hands in response. What we do know is that some of them were just raising their hands because we asked them too, or praying a prayer because we asked them too...but what our hearts cry is that lives there will be changed. For those who did understand and truly came to know Christ we are thrilled, we don't know the exact count because first of all that is not what matters here and second of all only God sees the heart. But we are excited to touch base and continue to support our missionary who lives among those people and hear back stories of those whose lives are changed and who are maturing and showing fruit. Plus we are excited to, God willing, go back next year and continue to establish relationship with these people. We would also ask you to pray for those who raised their hands or said a prayer just because the American said so....we know there were lots of those in that crowd, but we are praying that they will have heard something that wets their appetites to go back to the other activities of our missionary there and that one day they will understand truly come to know Him."

Maybe that is what you are saying when you come home and say "We lead such and such a total to Christ." But know that is very rarely what is communcated or heard.

I would love to apologize for this and say that my anger is not justified, but I am having to deal with that on my own. And may print some sort of retraction or addendum to this at some point. For now, I am just being real. Why can't we stop taking credit for God's work? Why must we put a number of "success" up in order to feel that our work is validated? I don't know the answers to these...I am simply wrestling and hurt and embarrased by actions and words of those who are supposed to be a representation of our mutual faith.

Today we are thinking Happy Thoughts

2008-06-09T10:17:00.002-05:00

I am still in the midst of some interesting wrestling with the Father. Mostly He has stripped me down to the basics of my faith again and I am rebuilding His way. (which FYI, is pretty much the best way to build.)
However, because I am still processing a lot and am not sure how to articulate my current thought patterns, I think it best to move on past the heavier issues of spirituallity and tell some tales of fun!

So will do a random thot's list for you:
- Being computerless at home is not as bad as I thought it was going to be. There are moments it is inconvienient but I am getting so much more done, reading books, organizing, working my Mary Kay! Yep, not bad at all.
- I miss my camera. I am on the for sure side that is gone for good. It makes me sad...we had a lot of great adventures that camera and I.
- At the end of July I will officially have 5 people in my life whose diapers I changed...who are now engaged and will be married. I have a lot of confused feelings about this.
- Everyday with my homegroup girls in my life, is sweeter than the day before.
- Every time I see politicians on the news I am thankful that I do not have children to bring up in this world...it is just getting scarier.
- Summer fruit is amazing!
- Dogs just make the world a better place.
- Sometimes Hypothyroid symptoms are just a pain.
- Spending rare face to face time with long time friends is a treasure very hard to equal.

the end.
Tig

My Heart is Sad

2008-05-22T09:44:00.002-05:00

Maria Sue Chapman (2003-2008)

Please be in prayer for the Chapman family, especially their son.

My toes in the ocean

2008-05-14T11:09:00.000-05:00

Wrestling

2008-05-13T11:51:00.003-05:00

So, I went away for 5 days. I'll post stories of adventures later.
I went away to study, spend time with the Father without distractions and seek His face.

I heard from Him when I got back at 1:30 in the morning in my own bed. I supposed I could have saved cost of plane ticket.

He asked if I trusted Him. At that moment in that situation I did not and told Him so. I am thankful that #1. He loves honesty from his children. #2. He is helping me learn to trust. #3. as mentioned in previous post...He never gets tired of me being broken.

Words that just Pierced my soul

2008-04-29T14:09:00.001-05:00

"Jesus never gets tired of me being broken. He loves that about me even!"

How amazing!

Tunnel

2008-04-28T10:45:00.001-05:00

Tunnel
Originally uploaded by Tigpan

You changed my world, When You came to me.
You drove a passion, In my soul down deep,
Lord, to follow You in everything.

I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,Be a million miles from home,
Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don't want to go.

So come whatever, I'll stick with You.
I'll walk You'll lead me, Call me crazy or a fool,
For forever I promise You...

That I don't want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there,
'Cause I know that me without You is a lie.
And I don't want to walk that road,
Be a million miles from home,
'Cause my heart needs to be where You are.
So I don't want to go

Without Your touch
Without Your love
Filling me like an ocean.
For Your grace is enough
Enough for me.

Never want to go somewhere
If I know that You're not there..

Cause my heart needs to be where You are.

-words and music by Avalon

Sometimes....

2008-04-25T09:13:00.003-05:00

.....I hate that the perfect answer is wait...having faith that "He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it." Trust in another and know that God's timing (not my timing) is perfect.

...the warrior is a child who just needs a place to hide for a little while. (thank you Twila Paris!)

...those you believe are worth fighting for don't believe it of themselves, so everything you can do is pray that God will give the the vision to see.

...even though it is blazingly obvious that other people's struggles are much bigger, yours feel insurmountable.

...tomorrow doesn't bring sun but rainstorms.

....you justhave to get away and let God move in you from a different vantage point....so I last night I booked a flight here....I leave May 7 and will chronicle my journey here.

Isn't it wonderful that
Always....
His promises are faithful and true!

Totally Random Thoughts

2008-04-17T13:33:00.005-05:00

Do not expect this blog to have any rhyme, reason or flow....

I love the person of my boss! I learn from her daily and cannot even begin to express how thankful I am that God brought her into my life! She inspires me, makes me laugh out loud, and teaches me daily.

I filed my taxes on April 15th. I have never waited (read procrastinated) this long. I sat in a mile long line at the post office at 10:30 that night and handed my envelop to a postal worker who was lined up at the curb to take it. Hope that was really a postal worker. By the way, another GREAT advantage to Mary Kay...my tax deductions....my return will be NICE!

I miss my family in Bots. It is high time that I saw them so if anyone can figure how to make the Atlantic shrink for a day or so I am very open to suggestions.

I love soccer! Go Badgers! We lose, but we lose pretty! You girls are great!

I cannot imagine how in the world I went through life with the women in my home group. I did not know the joys of being a part of a community of young women! Had I known before I would have definitely not waited a year to find them!

I have the coolest kinesilogist/chiropractor on the planet. Not sure I ever want to go to any other doctor ever. He knows so much it is amazing. Remedy for allergies. Soak feet in a very hot bath with dry mustard powder.....or vicks rub on feet with socks and go to sleep....also honey (made locally so it has local pollen allergins) and lemon. All three work like a charm.

Puppies just make the world better....

I think that all of current candidates for president of this here United States, need a spanking, their mouths washed out with soap, a time out (for a long time - till like November), and to stick their noses in the corner...in that order. or maybe we should just fire them and start over.

I am craving to get on a plane and go somewhere, take lots of pictures and sit by a beach...

Dallas is #2 worst city in the nation for allergies this year.....come visit!

Ok, I think that is all for now. So I will leave you with first ever Dumb Blond Man Joke!
An Irishman , a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde opened his lunch and said, " Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too." The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage and jumped to his death. The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito and jumped, too. The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well. At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife who said . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ."Don't look at me. The idiot made his own lunch."

Racism Personified

2008-04-05T17:37:00.004-05:00

My friend Tim and I used to start every story about events that happened to us by no fault of our own....by saying "There I was minding my own business...." The other person immediately knew that this story was going to be quite on the entertaining side of things and probably be a comedic tragedy of some sort.
So, there I was in the dermatologist office waiting room...minding my own business. I was flipping through Family Circle or some such "women's" magazine that I would only read if I was in a doctor's office...waiting for the nurse to call my name.
In the background I can hear CNN spinning and weaving its particular slant on the news stories that it decided were going to be the "top stories of the day". I am ignoring it as I often do because having worked in the media I know that most of the story line is simply reporter dribble anyway.
On comes the "TOP Story" about Obama's preacher. Now I am not one to discuss politics. Do I have my opinion...Yes...do I want to hear yours...not really...but if I have to that is ok. As long as you realize that it is YOURS, and do not spend the time telling me why mine is wrong. That being said, I am not here to give a long drawn out opinion of Obama and his campaign. Nor am I here to justify or crucify his pastor for comments made. That Obama and his preacher and the subject of racism was on TV, is simply the background information to this story.
In the waiting room with me is a woman of color and her husband. I would say "African American" but those who know me well...DO know my opinion on that particular phrase (which happens to be that it is a title only given to those who deserve it)...and this woman was about to find out the same!
****Also I want to take moment right here to say that I abhor racism and bigotry of all types, I have friends of every color and socio-economic background...and I am only racist towards "Trash" of all colors and socio-economic backgrounds...and towards bigots****
So this woman, who just so happens to have darker skin than mine begins to give her opinion re: the story on television to her husband. How that it is about time that racism was brought up as it has never gone away, and needs to be brought to light, and that "white" media was slanting this story (nevermind the FACT that the person reporting was also of black descent). She went on to say that if we really wanted to know what he said that we needed to listen to the entire sermon and not just the snippits that we were given on CNN..to that point and that point alone I was in agreement. I do believe that if one has to have an opinion especially on such a controversial topic, that the more educated one can be the better.
So on and on she goes talking to her husband and just bashing white people right and left. I am quietly sitting there pretending I am not listening to her.
Her husband gets called back to the office leaving just her and me in the waiting room. I put down the magazine and accidentally catch her eye as I lean over to put it back on the table. She says, "So what do you think of all of this." Having not listened to the sermon and in truth not really paid attention to the media storm around it I let her know that I really could not give her an educated opinion on the subject. That was, in her mind, the wrong answer. Actually I think any answer I would have given her would have been the wrong one to tell the truth.
So she says "You know as a young WHITE woman you need to take note of this, racism is strong and active in our country. People are judged by their color of skin and their socio-economic status and are forced down by WHITE conservatives to stay right where they are. Civil rights are just a theory that our government would like us to believe exists. Then she goes on to tell me that why she clings to the title "African-american" because "her people" were stripped of their culture when they were taken from the shores of Africa. And how down through history their titles have changed from Nigger, to Negro, to Colored, to Black to finally something they could live with...African American!
Now at this point, I have just about had it. Because she has just done to me exactly what she accuses White people of doing to her. So I say, "I am not trying to be disrespectful to you at all. But I have a couple of questions for you, first of all why is it that I am 'white' and you are 'black' but Asians are called Asian and Mexicans are Mexicans. Why aren't they "yellow" and "brown"? " She thought that was a good question. Then I said and "Why is it that you looked at my age and the color of my skin and made an automatic judgement on me?"
I was just getting started...in a very calm voice I said...."Again, not meaning any disrespect at all...however, since you took the time to disrespect me I just thought I would set a couple of things straight. For your limited information, you looked at my skin, my clothes and my current location and made a judgement....I actually was raised in Africa...and though I hold an American passport, it is still the continent and culture that I call home. My family has lived there for over 25 years and we consider ourselves to be very "African American". Until I moved to this United States I had no idea what color my skin was or my socio-economic status. I have sat in the huts of those who have nothing more than the basic necessities of life, yet because of their love for Jesus have much more that the majority of the people who are too lazy to work so suck everything they can out of government help here in the US. I never thought of myself as better than them or more than them. They work hard and put most of there "descendents" in South Dallas and other parts of our fair land to absolute shame! If an adult in the village told me what to do I obeyed. They were my elders, my equals. I have sat in the home of the brother of the President of Kenya and because I was child I served the adults just as the other children did. I was given no special privileges because of skin color, I was their equal. My best friends were black and brown and I was white. That is what we called each other not in a degrading way, but simply because it was fact.
Ma'am, racism goes both ways. You looked at me and made a judgement call. However, let me explain to you about my "lost culture"...I am American born white girl, who descendants are native American, Irish, German and who knows what else - I spent all of the formative years of my life in Kenya, Africa where I left behind half of my heart - I have lived in several states and in Hong Kong - where another piece of my heart was left behind. Please tell me what culture to put in front of the name "American" to identify me. So I mean no disrespect at all when I tell you that I have much more African running through my veins than you ever will, and that I very seriously doubt you would last more than two days in most of the places I have spent my life..."
At this point, I have not raised my voice, or stopped for breath...and as I stop now the woman has nothing she can say. She sputters out something like "Well you are a mutt of cultures aren't you?" (please explain how that is not an insult)
At that exact moment the nurse, a beautiful African American woman graciously opened the door and called my name....

New Template

2008-03-30T12:08:00.000-05:00

Playing with my blog design...so patience while I perfect! :)

Through the waterfall

2008-03-27T23:34:00.001-05:00

Through the waterfall
Originally uploaded by Tigpan

I just wrote a long blog and then it deleted itself...par for the course today...I give up...I am going to bed!

Meet Paddington Workman

2008-02-27T17:03:00.005-06:00

Hi!
I am Paddington Workman. I am 8 1/2 weeks old and I love my mommy!

She picked me out of a line up when I was born to a stray that was being fostered in a rescue group in Houston. They are a really great group...they cared for my mama till my brothers and sisters and I were ok on our own and then they found her a forever home so she won't get "knocked up" any more...whatever that is.

(see that's me up at the top...my mommy says she picked me cause I look like my cat brother -Picasso- He's adopted too, but he is 2 years old now and is really smart and kinda jealous that came along. More on him later.)

So my forever mom, waited 8 long weeks, I had to grow so the doctor could make me neutral. I don't know what he did, but I went in and he made me take a nap and when I woke up I just didn't feel all there any more if you know what I mean. But that is ok, from what I understand if you are not neutral you get in trouble all the time (I think that is what happened to my birth mom!)

So, I now am learning all the tricks in my household. When I get up from a nap if I don't go outside I'd better go potty on the crinkly blue thing in the corner, or mom grabs me and takes me over to it. Then I think she wants to play so I jump up and down and lick her and she just walks away. I am so confused.

My house is at the top of this enormous building. My mommy carries me down the stairs cause they are too big for me to go down. Then we go for a long walk. It is lots of fun and I have met some new friends along the path. When I go potty in the grass my mom gives me a treat! Can you believe it! Natural body function that I can't help, I do it and mom gives me treat! What a life!! At the end of our long walk, I climb all the stairs to the house...I was scared at first but now I just climb right up them like a big boy. I am sooo tired when I get to the top.

I have to stay in my crate when mommy leaves for work, but then my nanny comes over...she is so pretty and so sweet. She smells like a german shepherd, but she doesn't look like one (I think maybe her kid does though). She loves me so much..she made me a tag that has my name on it and mommy's phone number in case I get lost. and yesterday she brought me a new bag of treats! She takes me for long walks and plays with me till naptime and then I got back in my crate. I don't really mind, but I cry for a while to make them feel bad.

My cat brother - Picasso - he doesn't have to go in a crate and sometimes he comes and laughs at me while I am sleeping, but he mostly sleeps all day too...he is kinda lazy!

He didn't like it when I first got there...he just growled all the time and said bad words...but I didn't care I had new toys to play with. Mommy says I am a bit ADD when it comes to toys....I am not! I just love my squishy bone..I like to chew it and carry it and walk with it (*spies rattle ball)...OOOOOO rattle ball...I LOVE my rattle ball, (*drops squishy bone) how do I play with both...oh decisions decisions....look at my rattle ball I love my rattle ball, I like to chew it and carry it and walk with it (*spies squeaky toy) - OOOOOOOOOO squeaky tooy!!!!” But I digress my apologies.

So the other day I was just playing with my toys like a good boy and that ol' cat was watching me from the couch. Sometimes I think he thinks I am a rat. I am NOT a rat, I am a rat TERRIER two totally different things. Anyway, I decided I wanted a drink of water so I went to the kitchen to get one (mama keeps a bowl just for me there...cept sometimes I share with Picasso cause he is bigger and says so). I guess that Picasso was mad cause I was ignoring him, so he jumped off the couch onto the counter (he is not supposed to be up there but he is disobedient all the time!) ...then he jumped down on bar stool....then under bar stool....the carefully stalks around the corner...sees me..waits for right second and POP!! slaps me! Then the coward takes off! I was not going to let him get away with it so I tried to chase him, but he just got on top of the couch again.

I was mad so I went over to see mom and she did not yell at him at all! She was laughing! I was so hurt...I just went and got my squishy bone and shook it hard!

After my long walk at night mom makes me play with all of my toys. I am so tired I just lay down and she makes me chase the rattle ball or squeaks my toy bone so I wake up again. Finally I just can't take it any more so I crawl in her lap and lay my head down and fall asleep. When I wake up I am soft and warm in my crate...but I don't mind..I just roll over and go back to sleep.

So that is me....welcome to my world! I am sure I'll update more...I am hilarious and have some GREAT stories. Ta ta for now....

Now where is that rattle ball....oh...squishy bone! yes!

Continued prayer

2008-02-25T14:05:00.002-06:00

Dear Loved Ones,

It is hard to believe we are into the last week of February.

Thank you for praying for Devin this week. The medication seemed to not bother his system and he has seemed to have a little more energy this week. He has another day on the meds and then we see the doctor next month again. We thank the Lord for what he did this week.

for more of this update go to http://mtuwakazi.blogspot.com/

Next...news of my new puppy! :)
AW

The Results are In!!

2008-02-19T09:07:00.001-06:00

Dear Loved Ones,

Not many people rejoice over a positive blood test but today we did. We heard from the doctor in Johannesburg where the microbiologist was successful in finding something in Devin’s bloodwork that has defied all other tests. In fact, they found 3 types of bacterial infections.
Q-fever, mycroplasma and rickettsia. There is no indication of how long these have been at work in Devin, but we know that he has been sick off and on for at least three years. There is a treatment prescribed that has been successful in other patients.

Devin will begin tomorrow on a course of two antibiotics along with three other medications. These should work on the bacteria and make him feel pretty miserable. We will see the doctor again in a month and he will tell us what to do from there. From what we are reading, treatment can be anywhere from three months to two years, with most people being treated for eight months. Pray with us that Devin’s body will respond to this treatment. We would, of course, like to see the minimal timing on this, but we will trust the Lord for His direction.

Thank you for praying with us. We had a good week and Sunday 90 people were present to hear a message on God’s love. Please continue to pray with us that Spencer will be saved. He is drawn to the message of Christ and has already brought a friend to church with him.

Reaching the Unreached,

Steve, Pam, Amanda, Derek and Devin